


Operation KFOR

by yongon



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23884183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yongon/pseuds/yongon
Summary: Clarke and Lexa shared a beautiful relationship. Everything changes after the death of Clarke's dad. Both of them separate their ways.After some years Clarke becomes a doctor, she lives in an apartment with her bestfriends Raven and Octavia.Everything in her life is good, except this part of her that she tries to hide. The regret and sadness.Lexa in the other hand, followed a completely different path from what she intended to and joined the military.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 102
Kudos: 279





	1. I will never love again

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my primary language so I apologize in advance if there is any mistake.  
> I hope you enjoy reading this fanfiction as much as I am enjoying writing it.  
> I just have to say, I am taking this fanfiction seriously and have all the notes about what's going to happen each chapter.  
> I intend to go to the end with it, I don't know how many chapters it will have but it will probably be kind of a long story.  
> I've been wanting to write one for a while and I just finished the first chapter after writing for a whole day. (You can expect updates 2 in 2 days mostly).  
> I am trying to keep it as realistic as possible. I really hope you enjoy it.

**I Chapter – Clarke’s P.O.V**

It’s a beautiful Thursday morning, the sun is shining and for a moment I forget about the twenty four hour shift I just did. I have been working since 8 a.m of yesterday and until now, I barely had a minute to rest. The hospital has been pretty busy and I can’t wait to go home. I am not trying to complain about my job, being a primary care doctor is something I always wanted to do but it can still be very tiring.

I’m finally on my way to my car in the parking lot to get home and fall on my bed and sleep for seven straight hours.

‘’Where’s my damn keys?’’ I whisper to myself while holding my bag with one hand and searching for my keys with the other.

‘’Clarke!’’ Suddenly, I hear my mom calling out my name and I turn my back to see her giving a slow run towards me.

‘’Mom…Is everything okay?’’ I ask with a concern voice.

‘’Yes sweety, everything is okay’’ She says giving me a small and sweet smile while approaching me. ‘’I just wanted to talk to you about something’’ I can’t help but notice she has this nervous and uncomfortable posture which makes me frown.

‘’Okay, what do you want to talk about mom?’’ I ask when I finally find my keys on my bag. ‘’Thank God, here it is.’’

‘’You had a twenty four hour shift, I’ll let you head home and rest, we could talk over dinner maybe?’’ She gives me a shy smile and gently caress my arm. I get this feeling that she is somehow relieved to postpone whatever she wanted to talk for later.

‘’That sounds good…But are you sure everything is okay?’’ If only I wasn’t too tired, I would insist until she told me the exact topic of the conversation but right now I just want to get home and take some sleep, I can barely feel my legs at this point.

‘’Yes sweetheart, don’t worry really, everything is okay, we can talk over dinner tonight’’ She says before giving me a hug. ‘’Drive safe, I will call you around 6:30 p.m.’’

‘’Okay.’’ I pull back from the hug and give her a kiss. ‘’I love you, see you later mom’’. I say while unlocking my car.

‘’I love you too. Bye’’. She waves at me while I’m taking my seat and I smile.

I’m sitting in my car and I watch my mom slowly entering the hospital again. I briefly remember when I got the opportunity to work in the same hospital as her and how excited we both were to work together. My thoughts are shaken by the sound of an incoming message and I grab my phone to check it. I realize it’s a text from Finn.

_‘’Wanna grab lunch today ? :)_ _’’_

I was about to reply when I see the three dots indicating that he is typing again and I decide to wait for his next text.

_‘’Or maybe dinner I don’t know…Wanna hang out today?’’_

I stare at my phone for a little bit but honestly, I’m not thinking about anything. I immediatly start typing a response before I fall asleep on my car seat because I feel my eyes getting heavier each second.

_‘’I am sorry, I am just done with a 24 hour shift and I really could use sleep right now…And I’m going to have dinner later with my mom.’’_

After pressing the send button, I lock my phone and start the engine. I hear the sound of another incoming message but there is no way I am delaying my way home again. I make my exit from the parking lot and I start heading to my apartment.

***

I finally step out of the elevator, since I live in the 7th floor, and I grab my keys to unlock the door. I can hear giggles from the outside and it made me smile.

‘’Raven, stop mocking me, I am serious!’’ Octavia shouts while giving a small punch on Raven’s arm.

‘’Outch!’’ Raven faked being hurt and started laughing. ‘’I just find this pretty amusing’’.

‘’Girls, what is going on here?’’ I asked while approaching them whit a curious smile on my face. They were sitting on the couch eating their breakfast while watching something on Netflix. I can’t help but feeling jealous. I wish I had a start of the morning like that.

‘’Octavia here is ready to have babies with Linc!’’ Raven says giving a mischievous smile to our friend then she let a loud laugh that filled the room. Raven is the life of the party, always been. Besides being a beautiful, with an amazing smile and white teeth latina, she is funny and she doesn’t lose an opportunity to mock her friends.

‘’Shut up, Raven!’’ Octavia shouts while blushing. She isn’t angry, in fact I think she is finding it funny despite being embarassed.

‘’What do you mean, O is ready to have kids with Lincoln?’’ I ask and giggle. Even with this huge desire to just lay down in my bed, I love to catch up with these two a little. We have been roomates for years, their presence gives me life. I couldn’t imagine myself without them.

‘’Raven is being stupid! I never said that…’’ Octavia explains while getting up from the couch. ‘’You know how she is…Always adding something to a story to make it more interesting’’ She adds and rolls her eyes to our friend.

‘’Hey! I hope you’re not lowkey calling me a liar.’’ Raven fakes a pounting and then she looks at me amused. ‘’Seriously, our friend is currently in her love train and she is not coming back.’’

‘’That is not a bad thing.’’ I say following the shy expression on Octavia’s face and give her a smile. ‘’I am happy that O found someone to share her love with.’’ After saying this, Octavia looks at me with a full smile and her blue eyes are shining. God she truly caught herself in the love train. I have never saw her like this. Not in a ten year friendship we share with each other.

Raven looks at both of us and makes this funny expression that she always does when she thinks somebody is saying something really stupid. ‘’Jesus, aren’t you two cheesy…’’ She says. Octavia sticks her tongue out for her and Raven repeats the gesture back at her. That makes me laugh.

‘’Okay guys, stop acting like childs now and explain me better this whole conversation about O and Linc’s kids please’’ Honestly, I just want to finish this conversation and go to bed because my body is screaming for a huge nap.

‘’Octavia and I were watching this TV show and there was this scene where a woman appeared holding her baby and giving him kisses and O just said she didn’t mind to have that soon with Linc’’ Raven explains looking at Octavia while rubbing her belly pretending to be pregnant.

‘’It was a dog Raven!’’ Octavia says and she lifts both her arms. Raven just giggles and throws a pillow at her.

‘’Now that this whole thing is finally explained, I am going to bed.’’ I say while approaching them to give them a hug. ‘’As much as I love to catch up with you, I need to sleep _badly_ ’’.

‘’Yes doc, you need your beauty sleep, you look like shit’’ Raven says and my first instinct is throw a punch on her shoulder. ‘’Another one?’’

‘’You deserved it, you rude bitch’’ Octavia says and laughs.

‘’Okay, okay, but are you still having babies with Linc when he comes back?’’ Raven teases Octavia and gives her a funny face. Ocatvia quickly grabs the pillow Raven threw her earlier and throws it back at her. At this time I am on my way to my room but I can still hear them.

‘’What is it with you two that haven’t stop bullying me today and it’s barely 9 a.m.’’ I hear Raven complain before closing my room door.

Finally, I change into more comfortable clothes and lay down on my bed. It feels heavenly, I have been waiting so long for this moment. I didn’t need a minute to fall into a deep sleep.

***

I wake up and reach for my phone on the bedside table to check the time and it’s 4:48 p.m. I put my phone away and let my head fall again to my pillow. I am facing the ceiling and I start wondering what is it that my mom wants to talk about. The way she was acting earlier was strange. Now that I rested, I get this endless curiosity I can’t control. I am trying to figure out the possibilities when this thought suddenly comes up. Did she find someone?

I get up after spending ten more minutes on my bed and I leave the room. I am heading to the kitchen and I spot Raven eating a sandwich. She gives me a smile.

‘’You look way better now’’ She manages to say with her mouth full. I needed a second to realize what she was saying.

‘’Thank you.’’ I say while opening the refrigerator to grab some orange juice.

‘’Is everything okay with you Clarke? Or are you just still tired?’’ She asks. I can see the concern on her face. We have been friends for so long that we don’t need to say if something is bothering us or not. We just know it.

I give her a little smile. ‘’I don’t even know honestly.’’ I say while grabbing a cup and start filling it with orange juice.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ She puts her sandwich back on the plate and waits for me to answer. But I don’t say anything for some time.’’Did something happened at the hospital?’’ She adds trying to make me talk.

‘’No, everything went well at the hospital.’’ I say and take a sip of juice. ‘’My mom came to me earlier today when I was leaving the hospital with this weird talk.’’

‘’What weird talk?’’ She asks and raises her eyebrow.

‘’Well she only said she wanted to talk to me about something, she didn’t say what…’’ I start explaining and my voice shows signs of nervousness. ‘’Now that I think about the way she was acting, nervous and strange, I can’t help myself but wonder if she founds someone.’’

‘’What are your thoughts on that?’’ Raven asks me. I turn my back and start doing the dishes that are in the sink with hope that will distract me from thinking too much about the topic. My friend, patiently, waits for an answer but I still don’t know what to say. We spend probably a whole minute in silence. ‘’Clarke…’’

I drop the plate I was washing in the sink and turn to face her. ‘’I don’t know Ray…’’ I say while putting my right hand on my forehead. I am feeling somehow really anxious about this conversation. ‘’I never saw my mom with anyone else besides my dad. I know it’s been some years since he died but this is new territory for me.’’

Raven gets up from the chair and approaches me resting her left hand on my shoulder. ‘’I understand. I know that you might be anxious and even scared because this would be a new thing for you seeing your mom with someone else. But you have to see it’s been 8 years and she is such a wonderful woman that deserves happiness.’’

She is right, my mom deserves all the happiness in this world. She needs someone to be with her so she doesn’t feel so alone anymore. This is just…All so new for me. It’s funny I don’t know what she wants to talk about but I am already making assumptions and suffering over anticipation. What I am really trying to do is mentally preparing myself. I wouldn’t want to have an unexpected and bad reaction later.

‘’I know Ray…I really don’t want to be selfish. I want her to be happy…It’s all just new.’’ I say and she nods before going to sit on the chair again and eat the rest of the sandwich. I turn my back again so I can finish doing the dishes.

‘’So tell me Princess…’’ Raven begins to speak and I shake my head when I hear the nickname my friends decided to give me back in High school. ‘’What about your love life? Any progress with Finn?’’

This is typical Raven. She is the kind of person that loves to know about her friends’ love lives. Honestly, she likes to know about everything but I don’t see it in a bad way. Raven is a really good friend. I was blessed with her friendship ten years ago. She has been my support system through all those years. Ever since we met, Octavia too, it’s always been us three together, everywhere. We share such a special connection and our friendship is like a priceless treasure to me.

‘’He sent me a text this morning asking if I wanted to hang out today but I said I couldn’t.’’ I answer while cleaning my hands that were wet from doing the dishes.

‘’And why couldn’t you?’’ Raven asks with a confusion look.

‘’I had a twenty four hour shift, I had to come home and sleep…’’ I begin to explain. ‘’And I am having dinner with my mom today because she wants to talk.’’

‘’Hm…’’ Raven doesn’t say anything more. I sit on the chair in front of her and I start scrolling on my social media. ‘’Can I ask you a question?’’ She adds after a while and I take my eyes off of my phone to look at my friend and find her staring at me with a serious look.

‘’Huh, yes?’’ I give her permission to go head and I get a feeling that she is going to ask me something that will make me feel uncomfortable.

‘’Even if you had free time today, you wouldn’t hang out with him, would you?’’ Raven asks.

I knew some question like that would come up. Raven can read my mind way too well. Sometimes it pisses me off that she knows exactly how I think. It becomes impossible to hide something from her. Things I don’t really want to talk about.

‘’Probably not…’’ I say looking away from her and grabbing my phone starting checking my social media again. I hope she doesn’t push this any further.

‘’Why?’’ She asks. I knew she wasn’t going to let me escape without an answer. I am trying to ignore her question by pretending I am too distracted with my social media. I hear Raven letting out a sigh. ‘’Clarke, don’t pretend you didn’t hear what I just asked you…Why?’’

‘’I don’t have a reason.’’ I respond without looking away from my phone.

‘’You do, you just don’t want to say.’’ Raven says while getting up from the chair grabbing her plate and putting in the sink.

‘’For the record, I just did the dishes and you’re totally washing your own plate now.’’ I say as an attempt to avoid the conversation we were having. I watch her crossing her arms on her chest and fixing her eyes on me like she’s waiting for an answer. ‘’Ray, stop.’’

‘’What? I am not doing anything…’’ She shakes her head still looking at me. ‘’I am just waiting to hear the reason you don’t want to hang out with someone who’s been really nice to you…’’

She is right. Finn has been really nice with me. We met at a party three months ago. We have been hanging out with each other, maybe, twice a week ever since. He works in a construction company. He has a good personality, I can’t deny that. He gives me attention, respect, listens to me complaining about my tiring days at the hospital. He is also a very attractive man. Having his company feels good sometimes. We did share some intimate moments already as well. We first kissed the second time we hung out.

‘’I didn’t say I didn’t want to hang out with him…’’ I explain locking my phone and getting up. ‘’I just said I didn’t want to hang out with him today, there’s a difference.’’ I add while dragging the chair under the table.

‘’Yeah, okay.’’ Raven shrugs and picks her phone that was on top of the table. She doesn’t sound convinced about the answer I just gave her but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t like to have this deep conversations about my feelings. ‘’You know I am this angel that God sent you from above to certify you’re doing what is right for you.’’ She gives me an amused smile and laughs right after I stick my tongue out for her. I laugh too.

‘’You have to always add some Raven sauce to every conversation, don’t you?’’ I say and giggle. Raven always manage to say or make something funny during every serious conversation. That is one thing I love about her. The way she is able to clear the air and amuse everybody around her. Honestly, her energy is contagious.

‘’You already know.’’ She winks at me and smiles. ‘’I am heading out now to pick up Octavia from work and then we’re going grocery shopping. Text me if you need anything from the store.’’ She picks her jacket that was hanging on the back of the chair she was preivous sitting.

‘’Okay, will do.’’ I nod and she reaches my cheek to give me a kiss. ‘’Don’t buy too much chocolates.’’

She laughs while leaving the kitchen. ‘’I can’t promise that!’’ She shouts from the living room.

Some seconds after I hear the door close. I grab my phone to check the time and the clock shows it’s 5:37 p.m. It’s time to take a shower, dress and wait for my mom to call me.

***

I took a shower and got dressed. I put a dark blue blouse, skinny black jeans and, after debating whether I should go for a more comfortable black boots or black heels, I decided to choose the heels. Even if it’s a casual dinner with my mom, it always feels good to feel pretty. Even more after wearing a doctor uniform for twenty four straight hours.

I check myself on the mirror after I put some make up. I decided to go light on it. I feel good about my outfit and how I look.

I grab my phone and take a mirror selfie to send to the group chat I share with my bestfriends. It doesn’t take long after I hear a notification and open it.

 _‘’Wow Griffin, are you going on a date?’’_ Octavia replied and added two flame emojis.

I smile at her message and start typing a message but I got interupted by an incoming call of my mom.

‘’Hey mom.’’ I greet her.

‘’Hi sweety. Are you ready?’’ She asks from the other side of the line.

‘’Yes, I just finished. Are we going to have dinner out or at your house?’’ I ask.

‘’I was thinking about having a dinner here, at home.’’ She says. ‘’I made the lasagna you love so much.’’ She adds and I giggle. I can picture her smiling from the other line.

‘’That sounds so good mom!’’ I say and I can’t hide the excitement in my voice. It is always perfect to eat mom’s food. She is an amazing cooker.

‘’Someone’s really excited for a lasagna.’’ My mom says and giggles.

‘’Well I am famished, so…’’ I add and roll my eyes with an amused smile on my face.

‘’Do you want me to pick you up sweetheart?’’ She asks.

‘’Oh no, I can drive. I will be there soon.’’ I say while walking out of my room.

‘’Okay, see you soon. Love you sweety.’’ My mom says.

‘’Love you too.’’ I say before hanging up.

I grab my jacket, my bag and my car keys and I head to the parking lot of our apartment.

I unlock my car and I feel excited because I am going to eat lasagna. It’s true what people say, food can really put you in a good mood, especially if it is one of your favourite ones. No one can blame me, I didn’t eat anything since I left the hospital. I only drank an orange juice.

To match my excitement, I connect my phone to my car so I can listen to my favourite songs. I bought my new car after a year of working. It was an accomplishment. It is a black Audi A3 Sportback with the latest technology. After connecting my phone to my car, I start my engine and make my way to my mom’s home jamming to Blinding Lights by The Weeknd.

***

After driving for around twenty minutes I arrive my mom’s house. I open the gate with the remote I still keep and drive inside the property. My mom’s house is beautiful and modern. It has a big garden and a pool on the back. It’s a house with only one floor but it’s still an extensive one. I know I could’ve stay here and live with her, in this amazing house. But I decided to move out because it kept so many memories of my dad. My mom understood and let me have my time even though she was sad by my decision. I feel bad that I left her here, alone, dealing with all the memories by herself, but let’s just say I wasn’t in a good position mentally to deal with it and my mom understood that. My dad died when I was on the first year of college. I was almost nineteen years old. He was on his way home from work and a drunk driver lost control of his car and crashed into my dad’s. He died instantly. The impact was too violent. When my mom told me what happened there was this big mixture of feelings inside me. It was a mixture between anger, sadness, rebellion and confusion. I didn’t deal well with it at all. All these feelings consumed me and I made so many mistakes because I refused to grief and accept my dad’s death. I spent one year avoiding the topic and denying that I needed to face what happened to him. When I did, I spent endless nights crying with all the pain I was feeling inside. I was crying about the things I lost in such a short time. I thought I was going to drown on my own tears. I decided to do therapy and it helped me. I spent the last years that was left of college doing therapy and still managing to study medicine. I won’t deny, there were times I felt like giving up because it was too overwhelming. But I kept going, those years made me stronger. When I graduated by the age of twenty four I decided I was going to focus on my career and remember him as the man who taught me how to ride a bike, how to count…That taught me so many things that I know now. After graduating, I started working in the same hospital as my mom and we were both really happy. Me and my mom have a wonderful relationship. I distanced myself from her the first two years after my dad died but the therapy was showing so many good results and proving to be effective that I started letting the memories of my dad in and being grateful that I was able to share all those good times with him. The process of acceptance was rough, but I made huge efforts. So did my mom. I can’t imagine what she’s been through alone. I realized that we are stronger together and as years went by, we found our beautiful connection again and it’s been growing every time. I smile looking at the tree that is in front of her house, it reminds me the Sundays me and my dad used to go there and sit for hours. He would read and I would draw. Today I am able to come home and be okay with remembering. Raven and Octavia often asked me why I never returned home if I am now comfortable with the memories it brings me. I think I am so used with living with them that I can’t imagine it in another way. But I visit my mom’s house often, in fact I already threw here some pool parties with my closest friends. If someone asked me eight years ago if I could be able to return home, I would say never. I guess time heals everything…Almost everything. I immediatly shake my thoughts and I make my way to the door when I see it opens and shows my mom. She looks amazing. She is wearing light blue jeans with a black blouse and white sneakers. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun. I can’t help but smile everytime I see her. I am so proud of this woman. The strongest woman I know.

‘’Hello sweetie! I heard your car.’’ She says and gives me a full smile.

‘’Hi mom, I just arrived. I came in a flash, I can’t wait to eat your lasagna.’’ I say and I rub my belly. She giggles.

‘’Come, I just finished. It’s ready to be eaten.’’ She says and we both walk inside the house and make our way to the dining room.

We are walking towards the dining room and I can smell the lasagna. God, I could have an orgasm by just smelling that. When we arrive I see she put a really nice table for us both.

I sit down and I stare outside of the big glassy doors. The dining room has a view to the pool and the garden. I missed having dinner here.

My mom grabs my plate and serves me some lasagna. ‘’Do you want more?’’ She asks while showing me the amount of lasagna she put on my plate.

‘’No, that’s good.’’ I say and I grab my plate placing it in front of me. I inhale the smell that is coming from it. ‘’Hmmm…This smells heavenly mom.’’

She giggles. ‘’I hope it tastes good too.’’ She says while serving some lasagna for herself too.

‘’There is no way your food tastes bad mom.’’ I say while serving both of us wine. My mom and I prefer white and rosé wine over the red one. So she chose the wine we usually drink when we have dinner together. A bottle of Waitrose Provence Rosé.

‘’Thank you.’’ She says after I fill half of her cup with wine.

After I fill both of our cups, I grab the fork and the knife that was on the side of the plate and I taste the lasagna.

‘’Hmm, wow it tastes even better.’’ I say closing my eyes and enjoying the taste of the perfectly cooked lasagna.

My mom laughs looking at my facial expression of pure delight. ‘’I am glad you like it sweetie. I bet you didn’t eat anything today.’’

‘’You’re right, I barely had time today.’’ I say while taking another piece of lasagna to my mouth. ‘’I mean, I had time when I get home but I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep. And by the time I woke up it was better to wait for dinner with you.’’

My mom nods and gives me a sweet smile. ‘’How’s Raven and Octavia?’’ She asks before taking a sip of wine.

‘’They are good.’’ I answer and take a sip of wine too. ‘’When I came home today I found Raven mocking Octavia because O apparently caught herself in the love train.’’ I let out a giggle and put the cup back on the table. My mom is smiling.

‘’That sounds like Raven.’’ She laughs a little and I can see that this topic made her nervous. Oh mom, I know you too well, so I already understand what is going on. ‘’This guy, Lincoln, he seems to be a great man.’’ She adds.

‘’He is.’’ I nod. ‘’Just the fact that he treats our Octavia well is already a good thing. I think they are great for each other. I have never seen her so happy with someone before.’’

‘’If I remember correctly, he is a soldier, right?’’ She asks and grabs her cup to drink more wine.

‘’Yes, he is.’’ I confirm. ‘’In fact, he is overseas right now, doing a mission. But I think he will come back for good after.’’

‘’That must be hard for Octavia…’’ She says while pouring some wine to both of our cups. ‘’Being here, missing him and thinking he is in a very dangerous place.’’

‘’That’s true. It is hard for her to deal with all that.’’ I agree. By this time I take the last slice of my lasagna. ‘’When they both met a year ago, he wasn’t doing any more dangerous missions like he used to. He spent six months back at home and he was called for a final mission for a month in a half in Kosovo.’’

My mom is finishing her dinner too and she rests both of her fork and knife on the plate. ‘’I admire the braveness of those people who do such risky missions. They leave their loved ones at home wondering if they will come back or not…If they are safe or not…’’ She says and I notice a little sadness in her voice. Probably because it reminded her of my dad. Not that he was in the military, but still…

‘’Me too…’’ I say. I watch my mom getting up and grabbing both of our plates. ‘’Now, can we go to the conversation you wanted to have with me mom?’’ I ask and I am relaxed. Whatever she is about to say, I am ready. I trust my mom and being with her brings me peace.

‘’Yes…’’ She says and sits back again on her chair. She is looking at me and probably she is figuring out how to tell me what I already know…Or I think I know. I am patiently waiting for her to continue and I raise my eyebrow because she is taking what it feels like an eternity. She laughs a little at my expression. ‘’Okay…Clarke, sweetheart, I met someone.’’ She finally says and looks at me trying to decifer my mood after hearing that and I simply give her an reasurance smile.

‘’I figure that out, I just needed the confirmation.’’ I say and she looks confused. ‘’I know you way too well, and honestly, sooner or later you would end up meeting someone. As long as you are happy, I am happy for you.’’ I grab her hand that is resting on the table and she smiles. I can see by the look on her face that she is relieved by my reaction.

‘’You have no idea how much that means to me.’’ She grabs my hand and then caress my cheek.

I turn my head a little to press a soft kiss on the palm of her hand. ‘’I kind of mentally prepared myself before this dinner even happened. I realized that maybe this was the topic of the conversation you wanted to have with me and I talked to Raven about it.’’ My mom is looking at me waiting for me to continue with a very curious expression. ‘’At first I was scared to even hear you saying what you just said, that you found someone new...And anxious…But then Ray told me the biggest truth of all time. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy and I don’t want you to feel alone.’’

My mom reaches me for a hug. I can sense she is way more relaxed and comfortable. ‘’I never felt alone, you were always with me Clarke.’’

I pull back from the hug and I give her a smile. ‘’I will always be with you, mom. Always. There was this time I was lost but I found an important part of myself when you embraced me in a hug after a long time. I want your happiness. You’re a smart woman and whoever he is, I know you chose well.’’

‘’He is a really nice man…I would like you to meet him some time.’’ She is toothy smiling. She seems really happy and I love seeing her this way. This is what she deserves, nothing less than this.

‘’I would like that.’’ I nod and smile at her. ‘’He is a lucky man for dating the wonderful Abby Griffin.’’ We both laugh.

‘’What about my daughter?’’ Oh no, here it comes, the question I hate to answer. ‘’Have you been seeing anyone?’’

I hate this kind of questions. I don’t know how to explain, they are just…Painful. I don’t know why. I mean, I do know why and that is probably why it hurts. I look outside trying to think about what I am going to answer, I could say I am still talking with Finn but for three months things have been still going really slow. No progress. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. Maybe I should relax a little more and go with the flow. Thing is, when I try to give a little of myself to someone, it feels wrong.

‘’Clarke…’’ My mom calls me back to earth. I didn’t realize I was paralyzed on my thoughts for a good amount of time. I look at her and she is giving me a sympathetic smile. ‘’You can’t, can you?’’

I only manage to shake my head and stare at the table trying to refuse and avoiding so many thoughts that are eager to come out. ‘’Is there dessert?’’ I ask as an attempt to stop this conversation from going any further. It is the second time of the day that someone tries to make me talk about this and I am way too stubborn to give in.

‘’There is but it can wait.’’ My mom says and she gives me a serious look.

‘’What?’’ I ask trying to act surprised with her expression. I wish we were talking about her love life instead of mine for a moment. I would rather be spending the whole evening knowing details about this new guy in her life than having this talk.

‘’Trying to ignore this issue won’t make it go away.’’ She gets up and walks to the kitchen. My mom comes back with the dessert and two plates. I smile seeing what she made. A chocolate cake that I adore. She places a small plate and a fork in front of me and she sits back on her chair. ‘’You should talk about your thoughts, you are bottling them up and it won’t do any good to you sweetheart.’’

I look at my mom studying what I am going to say while she is cutting a piece of cake for me. ‘’I know but I really don’t want to talk about it…’’ I say while she puts the piece of cake on my little plate. ‘’Thank you.’’

She takes a piece of cake for herself too and we both taste it at the same time. ‘’Your chocolate cake is so good, I wouldn’t mind eating it every day.’’ I say and she giggles.

‘’Thank you sweetie.’’ She gives me a smile. ‘’You know I am always here if you want to talk, about anything. I don’t like to see you being consumed by your thoughts. You are strong, no doubt of that, but it’s okay to show fragilities sometimes. It’s human.’’

‘’I know.’’ I nod and I stare at my plate. I can feel her eyes on me. ‘’I am just afraid if I talk I will not be able to control the sadness I feel about it.’’

‘’You have to let it out in order to heal, Clarke.’’ My mom’s voice now describes concern and I hate that she is worried. I don’t like worrying people about the feelings I have been hiding inside. It feels everybody is afraid that I will go through a huge mental breakdown again.

I let out a sigh and I look at her. ‘’I can’t heal, not from that mom.’’

My mom rests her hand on my shoulder. ‘’You will find your happiness one day, again. Even if you think you won’t.’’

I wish my mom was right. I wish I was able to be happy again. Not just happy but…Whole. There’s this place inside me that is empty. It’s been empty ever since I realized what I lost. Not only I lost my father I also lost…Her. I lost the love of my life due to my mistakes, my bad decisions. I lost my safe place and I realized it too late. She was already gone. I have to shake this thoughts of my head quickly before I start crying.

I stay at my mom’s for an hour more, mostly talking about the hospital and random stuff before I decided to leave.

***

I arrive home and Raven and Octavia are sitting on the couch watching a movie and drinking beer.

‘’Hey Princess, how was the dinner with momma G?’’ Raven asks me while I take a seat next to them. ‘’Is it official that she is dating?’’

‘’What?’’ Octavia asks in complete surprise. She looks to both of us confused. ‘’Your mom has a boyfriend now?’’ She gives me an amused smile.

‘’Yes you can say that.’’ I giggle. My voice is low and trembling a little. This is the effect of the last conversation I had with my mom. I hope that they don’t notice my mood.

Raven raises her eyebrow at me. ‘’Are you okay with that? You don’t seem totally fine though…’’

Of course I would not be able to hide my mood to Raven. Or even Octavia to be honest. They know me way too well and could sense something is up with me from a mile away. All of a sudden I feel tired again. I feel tired of trying hard to hide my thoughts and preventing them from coming out. I almost lost control at my mom’s and I feel like if someone pushes me way too hard I’m going to fall apart today.

‘’Clarke are you okay?’’ I hear Octavia ask bringing me back from the trip I just made into my head. I didn’t realize I was too distracted.

‘’Yes I am okay.’’ Somehow I find a way to speak. Just speaking makes me lose energy. I don’t know what is going on with me today but it’s been a really hard day. Physically and mentally.

Raven frowns and shakes her index finger. ‘’No, no. You’re not okay. What is wrong with you Clarke? Did the conversation between you and your mom went wrong?’’

I lift my head to face them and I see my friends are looking steadly at me waiting for an answer. Great I worried my mom, now I am worrying my friends. I really don’t want to talk about what has been in my head but I want to give them an answer that will satisfy them without pushing the conversation any further. I can’t take it.

I am staring at my hands that are resting on my legs trying to compose my next words. I sigh. ‘’The conversation between me and my mom went perfectly fine, I like the fact that she is happy. I am just tired.’’

They are clearly not buying what I am saying. I could have given them already an answer that would satisfy them but I am preparing myself for what’s coming. I am just delaying and enjoying being on my safe zone for a while longer.

‘’You slept all day since you came back from the hospital.’’ Octavia makes an observation which is in fact true. I am not physically tired anymore. More like mentally.

I sigh again and it’s now or never. ‘’You guys know what is wrong when I am in this mood. I don’t have to say it. You are just making me talk about it, when I clearly don’t want to.’’ My voice was a little higher than normal. I didn’t mean to be rude with them. I am just so tired that it’s how the words came out.

‘’We know.’’ Raven begins. I stare at both of them and I can feel all the concern coming from their eyes. ‘’We are just worried you’re keeping everything to yourself. You don’t talk, Clarke, and that is a really bad thing for you.’’

Octavia leans, still sitting on the couch, closer to me so she can reach for my hand. That simple gesture makes me tremble. I am looking at my friends and I can feel the tears coming to my eyes. I try to fight the urge I have to cry but it seems worthless. I don’t want to break down, I don’t want to break down in front of them. I take my hand off of Octavia’s and I go to my room and close the door.

I let myself fall in my bed and I start crying. The tears I have been holding since the conversation with my mom are coming out. Endlessly. This was not supposed to happen. I didn’t want this to happen. My regret is consuming me. I will never be happy with someone else. It’s been almost eight years and I can’t get over it. I am hopeless. Where’s the warmth of my dad’s arms when I need it the most? I miss him so much and I just cry even more. How did I become this mess?

After crying hard for around ten minutes straight I hear my door opening and I watch both Raven and Octavia laying down with me.

‘’Want to help us choosing a name for Linctavia babies?’’ Raven asks and Octavia gives her a little slap on the back of Raven’s head. I laugh. Only them to make me laugh right now.


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get some information about Lexa's life at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter in an introdution to Lexa. There are still way more details to come.  
> Also, this might be the shortest one. I intend to have between 8k to 10k words for each upcoming chapter.  
> Thank you, I hope you enjoy it.

**II Chapter – Lexa’s P.O.V**   
_I hear the sounds of gunfires everywhere. We need to evacuate this operation quickly._

_‘’Lincoln, can you hear me?’’ I ask while holding the walkie-talkie that is attached to my uniform next to my chest. My voice is shaking. Everything is going wrong. I had to hide because the rebels keep opening fire. I lost sight of some of my comrades. Fuck, fuck, fuck. ‘’Lincoln!’’ I reach my walkie talkie again but still no answer from the other side._

_I look around and I see dust, destroyed furniture, some smoke and wooden slats falling from the ceiling. I try to study the place and my next move. The exit from this building is around three meters away which is a long distance in this situation and plus, I don’t know what is waiting for me outside. My unit entered together but we separated ourslves in a matter of seconds looking for places to hide. I try to relax and take deep breaths. I need to think…Fast._

_I try to remember the teachings of a very good friend of mine that used to be a soldier, Sir Paul Kerry. He fought in Israel in 1967 when the Israel Defense Forces attacked a U.S Navy Technical Research Ship and a U.S base. Sir Kerry once told me ‘’You start winning a battle before stepping into the warzone.’’ Which means, in order to be a great soldier you don’t just need to know how to fire a gun. You need to be strategic, observant and intelligent. You need to study the possibilities._

_I am sitting on the floor hiding behind a desk and I take a peek from the left side of it. I have to do something about this situation. Suddenly, I feel this outburst of determination running through my veins._

_‘’Heda calls for Yongon.’’ My voice is low but firm and confident. Artigas stayed outside camping and supervise the building from there. I need him with me now._

_‘’Heda, I’m here. What is going on there?’’ Artigas sounded concerned._

_‘’What are you seeing from the outside?’’ I asked still analyzing my surroundings._

_‘’Everything seems OK and calm here, Heda.’’ He replies._

_‘’You can’t spot enemies on the ouside?’’ There was a mixture between confusion and surprise in my voice._

_‘’No, Heda. All clear.’’ He confirms._

_Something is not right. How is it possible that this rebel group know they have American soldiers inside in order to take them down and they haven’t take position outside the building to trap us in here? We would clearly be in disadvantage._

_I spend not more than a minute thinking. I can’t stop thinking about what is going on. I am trying to think like the enemy would. Why are they acting like this? The answer comes right after a second. They know we have a soldier camping outside with a sniper rifle. They want to take him down first and then come for the rest of our unit._

_‘’Yongon, do you think you can make your way to the main entrance?’’ Being inside this building is not safe but, for him, being outside alone is way worse. He is being hunted. I am sure of it._

_‘’I think I can, Heda.’’ He answers._

_‘’You have to come inside. You are being hunted. They know we have a camper outside.’’ I sound commanding. We can’t show fear in these situations. We can’t let fear control us._

_‘’Head East after you enter the building. You are not allowed to die.’’_

_‘’Copy that. Moving.’’ Artigas says with a solid voice._

_I wait for Artigas for what it feels like forever. I check the watch on my wrist and it’s been a minute and thirty three seconds since our last communication. I don’t know if it will be risky to communicate with him but in military operations, communication is a must._

_‘’Yongon, check your position.’’ I try to reach him out._

_‘’Entering the building in ten seconds, Heda.’’ He says._

_‘’Copy that.’’ I tell back._

_I take a peek to the left side of the desk again and my eyes are fixed to the main entrance three meters away from me. I count to five and that’s when Artigas shows holding his assault rifle. He starts heading East, to where I am located, and he spots me. I am on my knees behind the desk giving him cover._

_He arrives to my hiding spot and he kneels down in front of me. ‘’Heda, what is our next move?’’_

_‘’We have to search for the rest of our unit and evacuate the operation.’’ I respond while covering my face with the black mask that is part of our military uniform. ‘’We should start checking downstairs first and then follow upstairs.’’_

_‘’Roger that.’’ We both get up slowly and start heading west._

_We walk past the entrance and we enter a room that is almost completely destroyed. I can only spot an old TV and a red couch on top of a red and yellow carpet. I look at Artigas and make a gesture with both my hand and arm ordering him to check the left side of the room while I check the right side._

_I am walking through the right side of the room taking a look on every places that could be used for hiding when I spot a black boot like the ones I am wearing behind the couch. The more I walk, the more it’s revealing. Then I see a leg, then a gun and then Lincoln sitting on the floor with his back against the couch. I notice some blood too._

_‘’Lincoln!’’ I call his attention as I kneel down in front of him. ‘’What happened?’’_

_He has his right hand pressed to a gunshot wound next to his collarbone. ‘’I got shot when I was entering this room.’’ His voice is low and raspy._

_The wound looks bad and he keeps losing blood. ‘’Artigas, come here.’’ I call for my comrade. I need his help with Lincoln._

_Artigas joins us on the floor and quickly takes off his uniform jacket and rips his shirt in order to make a band-aid around Lincoln’s chest to apply pressure to the gunshot wound._

_‘’GRD Unit calls for backup to proceed with the evacuation.’’ I grab my walkie-talkie and start communicating with the platoon._

_‘’Copy that. SKR and TSH Unit moving to your location.’’ I hear a response from the other line._

_We still don’t have sight on the other three members of our unit. Before entering the building we decided to seperate in two teams to take a better control of the place. Me and Lincoln would stay with the first floor and Anya, Luna and Nyko would search upstairs._

_I stand up and start walking to the room’s door. I begin to analyze which move we should take next after the reinforcement arrives. Some of us need to take Lincoln to a safe place and the others need to help rescue the rest of my unit upstairs._

_‘’We’re two minutes away from your location.’’ I hear a voice coming from the walkie-talkie._

_‘’Copy.’’ I say and I return to Lincoln and Artigas._

_‘’Reinforcement is two minutes away from us. Hold on a little more Linc.’’ I inform them._

_‘’Ansar al-Islam tricked us badly huh.’’ I hear Lincoln say and he shares a little smile._

_Artigas sighs. ‘’Fucking bastards.’’_

_We stay in silence, hearing Lincoln coughing every now and then, waiting for our backup arrival. I look at my watch and it’s showing 4:32 p.m. Then I start hearing footsteps and I run, carefully, to the door. I spot eight members of our platoon entering the building. I walk towards them._

_‘’One of my men is shot and three members of my unit are upstairs.’’ I begin to say to them. ‘’We need to separate in two teams. First one have to take Lincoln to a safe place and the second one have to help the rest of my unit upstairs evacuate.’’_

_We form two teams. Six of them will join Artigas and go upstairs and me plus the remaining two will try to take Lincoln out._

_I walk towards the room with the other two platoon members that will help me with Lincoln. ‘’Yongon, the reinforcement are here. We separated in two teams. Me and them will get Linc out.’’ I say gesturing to the two soldiers on my side and they nod. ‘’You will join the other comrades and rescue our unit.’’_

_Artigas nods. ‘’Roger that, Heda.’’ He heads out of the room._

_‘’Help me out with him.’’ I give one of the soldiers an order. He quickly helps me lift Lincoln from the floor. ‘’You, cover us.’’ I say to the other one and he nods._

_We are walking outside the room and Lincoln’s arms are resting on our shoulders. ‘’Four comrades stayed outside to supervise the place. One of them can help me taking your man to a safe place if you feel like going back inside.’’ I hear the soldier that is helping me carrying Lincoln._

_I nod. ‘’Thank you.’’_

_He walk outside and I see four of our soldiers in strategic positions. ‘’Where is your vehicle?’’ I ask to the soldier next to me._

_‘’Our vehicle is parked right around the corner.’’ He responds as we walk a little more towards our fellow soldiers. ‘’Zoran, help me carry our companion to the vehicle.’’ The young man leaves his position and takes Lincoln’s arm on his shoulder._

_‘’I am following you to the vehicle and then I will head back to the building to help the other team out.’’ I tell them._

_We walk around ten minutes when I spot the vehicle. Lincoln is halfway safe. All of a sudden, I start hearing intensive gunfires back in the place I just left and we share a concern look with each other._

_‘’I will head back, you take him out of here. Safe. That’s the order.’’ I tell them and I run towards the building._

_The more I get closer, the clearer I hear the gunfires. My body is tense, not because I fear a warzone I am way too used to it by now, but because I fear what is going on with my people up there. I can’t lose my men. I run faster._

_I arrive the spot outside where my fellow soldiers are. ‘’You and me are going in.’’ I point to one of them and he quickly moves next to me. ‘’You two stay here and supervise.’’ I tell the others and they nod._

_We enter the building fast and we start heading upstairs. There is so much dust, I can barely see anything. We follow the sound of gunshots on the left and enter a room. I lay my eyes on Anya, Luna, Nyko immediatly and I join them._

_‘’How many enemies inside the building?’’ I ask them._

_‘’We took six down, we don’t know how many more.’’ Luna replies._

_We start moving to the next room where we can hear the shots. We walk through the door and I instantly lay my eyes on an enemy pointing a gun at Anya and I take him down without blinking._

_I spot the other fellow soldiers and Artigas. ‘’Let’s evacuate together!’’ I shout. Everybody reunites and, carefully, start evacuating._

_We enter the room that I previously found Anya, Luna and Nyko in and we hear grenades dropping on the floor. ‘’Everybody take cover!’’ I shout again and we start hiding behind furnitures letting all the bombs explode first before heading to the staircase._

_I am on the right corner of the room with Anya and Nyko and I try to locate the rest of my unit. I see Luna with four comrades around a metre away on my left and Artigas with two fellow soldiers around three meters on my front._

_As soon as the bombs stop exploding, we wait a while longer. ‘’Let’s go!’’ I get up and start heading to the exit of the room. Me and Anya stay by the door giving cover to Artigas and the others since they are further from the exit._

_I, attentive, follow each step my comrades make towards us when I, suddenly, realize what is on the floor. A land mine. ‘’Stop!’’ I yell. But it was too late. One of our soldiers stepped in the mine and it automatically exploded. I run towards them and Anya follows me._   
_***_

I wake up feeling really disturbed. These dreams don’t stop. They keep coming every day. Sometimes worse, sometimes less…worse. I get up, sit by the bed and I look outside our  
military tent. It’s still dark. I could use some fresh air right now to relax. I put my boots on, grab my uniform jacket and I leave the tent.

Our camp is located in the suburbs of Ferizaj in Kosovo. There’s nothing much outside the camp besides numerous fields. The closest village is around ten minutes away by vehicle. But I still like to walk around at night when I can’t sleep. Being alone with all this silence under the stars is pure magic. The truth is, when you join the army you start appreciating many things that once felt so small. The night sky is a good example. It helps me think and reflect about my life. The first year after joining the army, it was a rough one because it’s such a different reality from what I was used to. The adaptation process was the worst part in the beginning, but everything became more bearable after I made really good friends here. Lincoln, Anya, Luna, Artigas and Nyko. I smile just thinking about our good memories together. We connected immediatly and soon became family to each other. We started off as mere soldiers and two years after we were operating in the most dangerous missions of our army as an elite unit. We call ourselves the Grounders Unit. The last five years as a unit, we went to crazy places, we saw our lives flash before our eyes more times than I can count. One thing we promised to each other was, we will stick together no matter what. It’s true the army gave me so many physical and mental scars but it also brought me to them and honestly, I couldn’t be more grateful and proud of our friendship. We’re family.

I have been walking for some minutes now and I decide to sit on top of a rock admiring the numerous camp fields in front of me. I close my eyes and feel the wind breeze hitting my face. I stay like that for a while, just focusing on my breathing.

‘’Couldn’t sleep huh?’’ I hear the sweet voice of Lincoln behind me.

‘’No.’’ I simply say and I make space for him to sit next to me. He smiles. ‘’The night is so beautiful today that I can’t complain.’’  
He chuckles. ‘’I guess so.’’

We stay quiet for some time. One thing I absolutely love about my friendship with Lincoln is the ability of being comfortable in the presence of each other and the way we can understand each other without sharing a word. He is the most loyal and caring person I have ever met. It’s safe to say out of anyone here, he is my bestfriend. Him and Anya are the closest to me. We usually go on vocation together when we’re off duty for a couple of months. We do roadtrips, we go explore other nations, we play videogames…

‘’So, have you thought about retirement Lex?’’ His question brings me back from my thoughts.

‘’Yes, I have.’’ I answer quietly. We’re both staring at the fields in front of us. ‘’But I don’t have much waiting for me back home.’’ I add after a while. My voice probably came off sad but that would be no lie. It is sad.

‘’That’s not true.’’ He looks at me. Lincoln probably has one of the most sincere eyes I have ever seen. He could make you believe in anything he say. He could be a wonderful liar if he wasn’t so genuine. ‘’You have your family, your brother especially.’’

That’s true, I do miss my brother and I do have him. Aden and I were adopted together. I used to take care of him at the orphanage when he was a baby. He was two and I was 14 years old. Even if we don’t share the same blood, I always did and always will look at him as my brother. At first, when I joined the army, he got really sad and hurt…He felt like I was leaving him behind, but fortunately, he got over it and we have a strong relationship as before. Relatively to my adoptive parents, I do care and owe them a lot. Indra and Gustus will always be mom and dad for me.

‘’I know.’’ My thoughts are screaming but my voice is low. Sometimes I wish I could speak more and be more confident about sharing my feelings as I am when I’m being my soldier self. But feelings scare me more than a warzone. ‘’I will visit and try to decide if it’s the right time for me to return.’’

Lincoln nods. ‘’Would you like to visit town with me after this operation?’’

The offer is tempting. There’s just these thoughts and feelings inside me that I can’t ignore. Whenever I go back town, it’s like I am stepping into land mines everywhere I go. I usually don’t stay longer than two days. I just managed to stay a whole weekend there once. Too many memories I would like to avoid.

‘’Sounds good. But I don’t know.’’ I respond quietly.

‘’Well, do think about it. I would love kick your ass in Call of Duty.’’ He giggles. ‘’As always.’’ Lincoln adds with an amusing tone.

I look at him and laugh quietly before I push him in a playful way with my left elbow. ‘’You wish.’’

‘’How’s Costia doing?’’ He asks me and I turn my head to face the landscape again.

Costia and I started dating after we met in a bar in New York last year. She is a sweet girl, supportive and loving. Sometimes I wish I could give her more than I do. I do try hard but it doesn’t seem enough. I changed a lot. Everything that has been happening in my life have been changing me. It’s hard to find myself most of the time. I pushed her away way too many times but she never gave up. She is a truly wonderful person, but I know I can’t give my heart to her and I think, somehow, she knows that too.

I sigh. ‘’She is good. How is your girlfriend?’’

I can’t help but notice the full smile and the hearteyes on Lincoln’s face. I smile at his happiness. ‘’She is great. Missing me of course…Who wouldn’t?’’ He jokes and we both laugh.

‘’Always so funny, Linc.’’ I roll my eyes while toothy-smiling.

‘’No but seriously…’’ He begins to say and there’s this excitement in his voice that I find dorky but cute in some way. ‘’I think this is it. It feels right. I think she is perfect for me. I would love if you’d meet her one day.’’

The first time Lincoln told me about this new girl I got a feeling that this one was different. He didn’t give us much details because Lincoln doesn’t like to jump into things too soon. I get that since I am exactly the same. He spent six months at home preparing his retirement and now he has an even better reason to do it. I am happy for him. I am happy to hear this is progressing.

‘’I am happy for you.’’ I tell him and we smile to each other. When I look at him, I see an older brother. An older brother I would give my life for. ‘’How come I still don’t know the name of this lady who stole Linc’s heart?’’ I give him a playful smirk.

He chuckles. ‘’Octavia. Pretty weird name huh?’’

What? My bestfriend is dating…No. I mean, there can be other Octavias in Polis right? I refuse to believe I am thinking about the same person he is talking about. I shouldn’t be freaking out but I am. Inside. I try to shake this thoughts off of my head.

‘’We should head back to the tent.’’ I say trying my best not to sound weird. I stand up and I wait for him to do the same. Which he does.

‘’You rule, Commander.’’ He jokes but I can only force a smile.

We arrive to our tent and I head straightly to my bed. I know that if I couldn’t sleep earlier, now it will be even more impossible. What are the odds?  
***

I didn’t manage to sleep after returning to the tent last night. Tried closing my eyes so many times but it wasn’t possible. After a couple of hours, everybody was awake so I didn’t wait too long to start the day. We put our uniforms and we headed to our vehicle since we’re visiting a village today like we do mostly every day.

Today we are heading to Muhadžer Talinovac, the closest village to our camp. Lincoln is driving the jeep and I am on the passenger. On the back there is Anya, Luna and Nyko. We spent the biggest part of the trip quiet. But it wasn’t weird at all. We all like to be alone with our thoughts on most mornings, that’s something we share in common. Honestly, we have way too much in common and that is probably why we are such a good team.

After driving for five more minutes, we arrive the village. The kids start running towards our vehicle to greet us. This is one of the best part of these operations. Connecting with the most simple human beings on the planet. If you give them a rock, they will appreciate it like it is a videogame and will keep it forever. We always bring them food because that’s what they need the most. They love, especially, the chocolate cookies. Sometimes we play soccer with them, sometimes we even play hide and seek…There’s this kid I believe I have a special connection with. His name is Adi and he is five years old. We don’t share the same language but we still have a lot of fun together. We play a lot.

We give them some cookies and play a little bit with them. All of a sudden, I hear loud music. Of course it had to be him. Lincoln had this idea of turning up the music in our vehicle so the kids could learn some songs. They are so happy. The smiles and laughs are contagious. The kids pushed us to dance with them. For quite some time, I haven’t been able to let out such genuine laughs as now. It feels good. For a moment I forget that there are problems.

‘’Group photo guys!’’ I hear Luna shout trying to make herself heard.

She asks for an older woman on the village to take a picture of my unit. We place ourselves in front of a dirty beige wall. Lincoln is on my right and Anya on my left. Luna is right between Anya and Nyko. We have our uniforms but we are not wearing any helmets this time or holding guns.

‘’Are you sure the lady knows how to take the picture, Luna?’’ Lincoln says and we all let a loud laugh.

After a couple of seconds I spot Adi running towards me and I pick him up so he can be in the picture as well.

I guess all the kids felt jealous and wanted to be in the picture just like Adi as I see them all running to our spot.


	3. Open scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Clarke finally decided to do something with her life some old wounds open up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the delay. I had some family business going on.  
> I hope you like this chapter, I am trying to improve each chapter I write.  
> Let me know what you think. :)

**III Chapter – Clarke’s P.O.V**

Here I am, on a Saturday night, looking at a menu with a great guy keeping me company. Two days ago I was debating whether to keep hanging out with Finn or not but earlier today I just decided to give this a chance. Sometimes I think it’s unfair, it feels almost like I am using him to stop thinking about stuff from the past. Stuff I don’t think I will ever be able to let go. My mom or even my friends keep telling me time heals everything and I find myself wishing that was true. Everybody should know there are wounds that don’t disappear…You only get used to the pain it causes. I have mine and I think about it every day. It’s weird that even after so many years, nothing could make it stop hurting. I have a good job, wonderful people around me, I have so many things to feel blessed about in the present, which I do, but there’s a part of me that is still trapped in the past. I am trying to move on that’s why I am sitting in a fancy restaurant with a man I’ve been seeing for months, but the guilt I feel about losing the key to my happiness is too strong.

''Have you chosen yet?’’ I hear Finn asking.

I slowly put the menu away and I find him smiling at me and I reciprocate the gesture. ''Yes, I have.’’ I answer while placing my arms on the table and crossing them. ''I will go with the steak and asparagus.’’

''Good choice.’’ He nods and smiles. ''I think I will have the same. Is red wine alright for you?

I simply nod and watch Finn calling for the waitress’ attention with his finger. He is wearing a dark blue shirt I gifted him on his 28th birthday some weeks ago. I think the colour suits him. This dinner is feeling nice even if we’ve been quiet for most time. I enjoy his presence, I see Finn as someone I can vent about my rough days. We never really shared a deep conversation about our life before we met or our feelings towards each other. It is odd because when you meet someone new in your life those are topics that will eventually come, especially when we’ve known each other for three months. Maybe it’s time for me to jump out of this bubble I created around me and at least try to let someone in.

''I am sorry for slowing our thing so much.’’ I say quietly and we both look at each other. Finn seems surprised by my approach. ''I mean, we’ve been hanging out for three months and it’s like nothing develops.’’ I explain with a really insecure tone. I didn’t mean to have this conversation today but I have to do something for my sake.

''Are you trying to say…’’ He suddenly stops speaking like he’s processing the words that will come out next. I notice that he looks concerned. ''You don’t want to hang out anymore because nothing is…developing?’’

I shake my head in disagreement. ''No, Finn.’’ I try to find his eyes. I wish I could feel butterflies on my stomach just by making eye contact with him but it doesn’t happen. At least not yet. ''I am apologizing for not letting you in, for not giving a chance to go further and perhaps have a relationship.’’

''Oh…’’ He lows his head and chuckles.

Before he gets the chance to say anything more, the waitress approaches our table. I thank God for this pause because while Finn is ordering our food and wine, I can study what I am going to say next. I don’t want to be officially in a relationship, I just want him to know that I want to try, slowly. The fact that I am trying is already a big step for me and to be honest, I am not sure if I will make it. I am ready to find out…I think I am.

After ordering our food I see him smiling at me. I can sense some relief and happiness on his expression. I am still not sure what to say yet so I just wait for him to return to our conversation.

''I thought for a second that you wanted to stop hanging out.’’ He looks like a kid that just received a chocolate. I wonder if he has been waiting for this conversation for a long time or not. Maybe he has.

I give him a small smile before speaking. ''You’ve probably been waiting for this conversation, _patiently_ …’’ I emphasize the word and we both laugh. ''I am sorry about that, but I still want to take things slow.’’

He nods without taking his eyes off of me. ''Okay, I understand that.’’ He says with low voice. But Finn doesn’t sound annoyed or sad more like…Apprehensive about what, maybe, he wants to say next? ''Can I just ask what is the difference between slowing things before and slowing things now?’’

''The difference is…’’ I begin to explain when I get interrupted by the waitress that came with the wine ready to serve us.

''Who’s going to wine tasting?’’ She asks with a gentle voice.

Finn points at my direction. ''The lady, please.’’

The waitress approaches my side and she serves me a bit of wine so I can taste it first. I bring the cup to my lips and take a sip. ''That’s good.’’ I smile at her and she begins to serve both of us before leaving.

''The difference is that when we met the word relationship never crossed my mind and now I am willing to try…slowly.’’ I return to the conversation. My voice is low but secure even though there are still doubts in my mind that I try to ignore.

''Thank you, I understand it now.’’ We smile at each other. ''Why didn’t you think about the word relationship before? If you don’t mind me asking…’’

I feel my body getting really tense. I’m going to need a sip of wine for this. ''There is this person…I mean was…’’ I quickly correct myself after realizing I talked like she was still here. ''Long story short, I messed up our relationship after the death of my father and after realizing what I lost, I didn’t feel I could ever love again.’’

Finn looks curious and serious. We never had such talk, it’s the first time I am approaching this subject. I did talk to two persons before Finn, but it wasn’t anything too serious for me. The last year of college I talked to this guy named Macallan, he was nice but it didn’t go anywhere. We hung out only once, texted for a while but stopped. Then I met Nylah. I was already working at the hospital. She would bring me coffee during my shifts, surprise me with gifts some times…Nylah was very attentive and caring. We were almost dating for six months when I decided to break things off after having a mental breakdown when I found a sweatshirt that once belonged to…

I lower and shake my head preventing me from thinking about a name. ''And if I am being honest, I don’t think if I ever will.’’ I add after a while. I know this might not be something he would want to hear but I need to be truthful about my feelings.

I lift my head and I find Finn looking at me with what it seems sad but comprehensive eyes. ''Are you sure you want to try?’’ He asks.

''Yes.’’ I nod. That’s not completely true, I am not sure. But I have to.

We wait for the dinner and mostly talk about our work and other random stuff. The rest of the night is good and calm.

***

I thank Finn for driving me home and press a kiss on his cheek. I could have given him a peck kiss but I decided not to. I leave the car and start heading for the apartments’ elevator and press the 7 button. On my way up, I begin to wonder about my last conversation with Finn. I have no idea if I made the right decision. But I can’t be alone for the rest of my life. At least, I was honest with him about my feelings towards our situation. I never said I was certain I would be able to reach the relationship level. I can’t explain to myself what I feel inside but it’s too overwhelming sometimes. Love is the most powerful thing in life and it can change you, forever. I did change but not in a good way. I don’t enjoy physical affection as much, I don’t find a way to get emotionally attached to someone romantically. It’s so hard and exhausting. My mom tells me I don’t say out loud everything that is stuck in my head and that is stopping me from moving on. Little does she know I already did that and still do, every time I go visit my dad’s grave. It’s the place I feel connected with him the most. There and the tree at my mom’s house. He was the person that would understand me more because we are so alike.

I hear the elevator sound sinalyzing I arrived my floor and I leave after the door opens. I make my way to my apartment door and enter home when I find a very stressed Raven talking on the phone.

''Is that my fault?’’ She shouts. From what I know about her life, that is literally everything, there are just two persons that she could be talking to right now: her dad or her brother. ''I don’t care! This is not my business, I can’t keep lend money to him!’’

I walk to the couch to sit and wait for Raven to finish her conversation. She looks at me and rolls her eyes. Damn, she does look pissed. I know she will need to talk about this later, I can feel the tension coming from her.

''Qué!? No way I am going to do that! Never again!’’ Raven yells and hang up the phone.

''What’s wrong Ray?’’ I ask her.

I watch Raven put her hand to her forehead and wait for her reply. ''It’s the same problem as always…’’ She sighs and walks towards the couch where I am sitting. ''My brother have more problems with other gang and my dad called me asking for money.’’

Raven had a rough childhood. She grew up in a very dangerous neighborhood filled with gangs. She used to live with her parents and her brother Matias. Her parents had lots of fights at home and her dad was an alcoholic. I guess all of that made her younger brother really angry and revolted because he joined a gang when he was thirteen years old. My friend tried everything to take him off the streets but he made up his mind so hard that anyone managed to give him a reality check. Raven followed a better path and she went to college. She got a job to pay for all of her education. She got her degree in mechanical engineering and now she has a really good job. My bestfriend works as an automotive engineer and it pays well. Since she got this job that Raven has been helping her family a lot, especially her mother. Last year, Matias left jail after spending there six months. After his release, the gang he joined when he was younger has been chasing him asking for money. Raven did help him out a couple of times if he promised he would never join a gang again, but he didn’t keep his promise. Her family life is really complicated but I am really proud of everything she accomplished. She deserves everything for being so strong during her childhood and teenage time.

''Your brother needs to leave that neighborhood like your mom did.’’ I say following her movements. She’s walking in front of me from side to side pretty agitated. ''Ray why don’t you take a seat and talk a little bit with me?’’

She nods in agreement and sits next to me. ''I am sorry…’’ She places her elbows on her legs and rests her head on both hands. ''It’s so hard, he is my brother but I can’t keep helping him, I just can’t.’’

I start to caress her back with my hand hoping that will comfort and calm her down. ''I understand that, Ray.’’ I don’t know what else to say. She is right, even though it’s her brother. You can’t keep helping someone that won’t change or don’t want to be helped. ''I know it hurts because he is your family but there’s nothing much you can do if he doesn’t change.’’ I add trying to make her feel better.

She lifts her head and her eyes are teary. ''Oh Ray, don’t cry.’’ I lean closer to hold her on a hug. ''Matias will eventually understand and change…But that needs to be him realizing the wrongs.’’

At this moment Raven is sobbing and I hold her tighter. ''I know…’’ She pauses and let’s out a gasp. ''I can’t stand watching him ruining his life like this.’’

''I am here Ray.’’ I say. She knows I am always here for her, always been. It breaks my heart seeing her like this. It’s so frustrating when you can’t, magically, press a button and solve your friends’ problems straight away. Life is so frustrating sometimes.

We stay in the same position for some time until she calms down. I know that crying can be really tiring but it is also relieving. God, how well I know that. It’s our body responding to the pain our mind and our heart are causing. When I see Raven crying, I know something bad happened because she is not the kind of person that cries a lot or even shows too many emotions. I know my bestfriend for a decade and I also know for a fact that there’s this really sweet woman behind all the sarcasm and lack of emotion she often shows. I truly believe she deals with her pain with humor. It’s her way. Life taugh her to be like that. There are so many disappointments she had to deal with…Her family, some jobs, her love life…I can say, I haven’t seen Raven in a relationship with someone since her last boyfriend of two years. They started dating in college and one day, she came to my dorm with swollen eyes from crying because she discovered he was cheating on her. Raven got so heartbroken that she decided to close her heart and, like I am doing now, not letting anyone in. She has some casual hook ups and it doesn’t seem like she wants something serious at all. I think Raven is so used to be alone by now that the thought of letting someone in, scares the shit out of her.

''Thank you.’’ She finally breaks the silence and pulls back from the hug. ''Let’s talk about something else.’’

I smile at her and nod. ''Sure. Or do you want to watch a movie?’’ I grab the remote and open the Netflix app on the TV.

''Well, we can watch a movie after talking about your date with Finn.’’ I look at her and she is smirking.

I roll my eyes in amusement. ''There is nothing much to say…’’ I lie trying to avoid the topic, which is impossible when talking to Raven but I still try. It’s not really because I don’t want to talk about it, it’s more like a habit.

''Come on, Clarke.’’ She sighs and giggles. ''Are you going to make me insist until you finally say, which you always do by the way, or are you going straight to the point already?’’

I laugh. She can be really sassy sometimes. ''We might have talked about slowly getting to a relationship…’’ I say with a low voice.

''Oh!’’ She sounds excited to hear the news and turns her body to face me better. ''That’s some progress. Are you ready?’’ She asks and I know she’s just trying to make sure I don’t do anything that will get me in a bad place again.

I shake my head. ''I mean I don’t know.’’ I quickly add. ''I just told him we could try.’’

She nods and places her hand on my shoulder. ''I am here for you too, Clarke.’’ We both share a smile at each other. ''I am here for whatever you decide to do.’’

''That means a lot to me.’’ I grab her hand. ''I want to try but I don’t know if it’ll go somewhere.’’

I don’t always want to be so negative. Sometimes it even pisses me off how hopeless I can sound but after all these years I got used and accepted that I couldn’t love somebody else. Maybe I didn’t have the closure I needed, maybe I hope that someday I will find her again?

''Hey Clarke…’’ Raven calls for my attention with a concern voice. ''I know that it’s been hard for you but don’t think too much about it. It’s not a bad thing you haven’t given up on hope to find your happiness again…Just keep trying and carpe diem.’’

I nod. ''Do you want hot chocolate and a movie session?’’ I ask trying to relieve the air.

Raven gives me a toothy smile and I laugh. ''Is that even a question?’’

I get up and I head to the kitchen to prepare hot chocolate for both of us. This is kind of a traditional thing between me and my bestfriends. As much as we love to go out and party, this is our favourite kind of Saturday night. A very cozy and delicious one. It feels really good being home but it feels way better when you share a home with your bestfriends. Sometimes Raven can be really annoying with all her gadgets scattered on the floor and Octavia with her physical exercise’s equipments. They tell me I leave papers and pens everywhere, so I guess we’re even.

I am finishing the hot chocolates when I hear the door open and Octavia’s voice following. She must be done with work. I look at the kitchen clock and it shows 10:21 p.m. It’s late but it wouldn’t be surprising if she came back from work at this time. Sometimes she needs to finish some paperwork and stays later at the clinic. She is an amazing physiotherapist. After Raven got injured on her leg, it gave Octavia even more will to pursue this career and she’s been helping Raven since then. Three years ago, Raven didn’t have much mobility on her left leg because she got badly injured after a stray bullet hit her. All this due to gang fights and, of course, her brother involved. But she didn’t give up on therapy and to be honest, neither I or Octavia would let her.

I return to the living room and I see Raven and Octavia sitting on the couch. ''You arrived pretty late today, O.’’ I say walking towards them and giving two mugs with hot chocolate.

''Yes. Thank you.’’ She responds and grabs the mug I handed her. ''After work I went to visit my family.’’

''How’s Bellamy?’’ I ask while taking a seat on the smaller couch next to them.

''He’s good.’’ She answers and takes a sip of hot chocolate. ''Annoying as always.'' She jokes and rolls her eyes.

Both me and Raven laugh because we know it’s true. Bellamy is a bit annoying, but not in a bad way. He is one of the good friends I have and also a very protective one. Me and Raven met him through Octavia and we connected immediatly with him. His friends soon became our friends and our friends became his friends. We created a good group and we still join every month in a big dinner party.

''How’s Lincoln?’’ Raven asks while looking for something to watch on Netflix.

I can’t help but notice how excited Octavia looks when someone brings Lincoln to the conversation. She’s so in love. ''Great! I can’t wait for him to come back home. I miss him so much it’s ridiculous.’’ She responds with a big smile on her face.

''Actually, you’re so in love, it’s ridiculous.’’ Raven teases and laughs. She likes to drop her joke everytime but I know she feels happy and she doesn’t find it ridiculous. She’s just being Raven.

Octavia rolls her eyes amused like our friend’s comment didn’t bother her at all. ''We talked on the phone on my way home, he told me he was going to send me some pictures from his time in Kosovo.’’

''Can I see it too or will be there any nudes?’’ I laughed. There it is, Raven’s jokes.

Octavia fakes a laugh and grabs her phone that was on top of the room table. ''I will check it first and then will decide if it’s safe to share with both of you.’’

We share conversation for a little bit. It’s a mixture between gossiping, work related, family related. Our nights are pretty much like this. Sitting on the couch, talking or even watching TV shows. I notice that Octavia is always checking her phone to see if there’s any new message from Lincoln. I find it adorable, the way she is so committed and so happy about her relationship. I wish I had something like that. I miss being able to freely and fully love someone. I miss experiencing love. It can be so tricky but it can also be so beautiful.

Her phone finally buzzes and she quickly grab it. ''It’s Linc, he’s sending some pictures on whatsapp.’’

I don’t think anyone could take that smile off of her face. I smile watching her reactions at each new photo she receives. I get up and go to my room to quickly change to pajamas.

''Let me see what’s getting you to smile like that!’’ Raven leans to take a peek on Octavia’s phone but she covers the screen not letting our friend take a look at the pictures. ''Come on, let me see.’’

''Let the kid see.’’ I laugh and Raven stick her tongue out for me.

''No, can’t I see my man in peace first? Jesus.’’ Octavia laughs looking at the curious expression in Raven’s face. I giggle when Octavia move away from Raven holding the phone to her chest. Then when she feels she is in a safe distance she looks at her screen again. ''Oh my god.’’

Raven fakes a relief sound. ''Thank God I didn’t insist more, she totally just received a nude.’’

I lay my eyes on Octavia and she doesn’t react to Raven’s comment. Not a word, not a facial expression or even a small punch on her arm. Instead she is looking steadily at her screen. Her mouth is slightly open and I have no idea what caused such behaviour. Octavia lifts her head up and looks at me for a couple of seconds and then at her phone again. I have no idea what is happening.

''What’s wrong O?’’ I ask and I get this weird sensation on my stomach as my eyes keep staring at her completely indecipherable expression. I don’t know why but I get this feeling like someone’s about to drop a bomb right on top of this apartment.

Octavia still don’t say anything and Raven, that was previously laying down, sits and frowns. ''O, what is going on?’’ She asks and moves closer to her. Octavia lifts her head again and looks at me and then to Raven. Her eyes are showing confusion and something else I can’t describe. ''Can I see?’’ Raven asks another question pointing to her phone.

Octavia hands her phone to Raven and lets her take a look to what have gotten her so bothered. I am curiously watching both of them from my seat. I am completely blank about this situation. Raven is attentively scrolling the pictures and all of a sudden, she looks at me with the exact same expression as Octavia’s.

''Okay guys…’’ I get up from the couch and start walking towards them. ''What is going on here?’’

Raven and Octavia look at each other and it makes me even more confused. What did they see that they are now acting so goddamn weird? It’s actually scaring me at this point. I see they both nodding and I lift my eyebrow in confusion. ''Hello?’’ I wave with my hand, calling for their attention, and cross my arms on my chest.

''I am not sure if you want to see this…’’ Raven finally speaks and it makes me wonder what Lincoln possibly could have sent that would bother me so much?

''Give me the phone.’’ I reach out my hand so she can hand me the phone.

I look at the phone and I find a picture of a group of soldiers and I open it. My eyes are automatically drown to the woman standing next to Lincoln. Oh my god, it can’t be. I bring my hand to my mouth that is slightly open and I sit down next to Raven because I can’t feel my legs. I can’t find words to describe what I am feeling right now. I don’t know if it’s good or if it’s bad. There she is, the girl who stole my heart eight years ago, with a military outfit. There she is, next to my bestfriend’s boyfriend. It’s Lexa.

***

_I can feel the sweat and the heat all around this club. I have been dancing non-stop for three hours. I have been going out every weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I feel free from the feeling of loss that haunts me every day. I don’t know who’s this person that has been dancing with me for the past minutes but she seems like a nice girl and I don’t mind her company._

_I am moving my hips at the song’s rhythm when I feel a familiar hand on my shoulder. I turn my body to face my girlfriend standing next to me. ''What?’’ My voice came out a little bit rude but I can’t help myself whenever I see the concern face on my friends’, mom’s or even Lexa’s face. Can someone please stop for a second? ''Am I doing something wrong?’’_

_Lexa looks at the girl that was dancing with me and looks back at me confused. ''Can we head back home, please.’’ She asks and I roll my eyes._

_''I am having fun, Lexa.’’ I say with an annoyed tone on my voice. I hate that she is always trying to make me go to the dorm. ''Can’t I enjoy a good night with a few drinks and this new friend I just made?’’ I point to the girl next to me and I smile. ''By the way, what’s your name?’’_

_''Kara.’’ We both laugh. ''And who’s this?’’ She points to Lexa._

_''I’m her girlfriend.’’ Lexa gives her a fake smile and return her attention to me. ''What are you doing Clarke? Can we go back to our apartment?’’_

_''For real?’’ I turn my body to face her and cross my arms. ''Why do you always have to be like this?’’_

_Lexa is looking at me with sadness and intensity in her eyes. I don’t want to make her sad I just want to forget about everything that hurts. Having feelings hurt, a lot. I don’t want to remember I have them. I don’t want to remember what happened to my dad, I don’t want to accept it, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to grief…I just want to have fun because I deserve it._

_''Why do I always have to be like what, Clarke?’’ Her voice is calm and tired._

_I really don’t want to have this conversation in front of a whole club. ''Just go back to home and I’ll go back in a hour, okay?’’_

_''Clarke…’’ She steps closer to me, holds my hands and tries to make eye contact. Somehow I avoid it because I know I will give in. ''Why can’t you go back home with me? I miss falling asleep with you in my arms…’’_

_''Lexa, please just go…’’ I say abruptly. ''I don’t want to go back home with you, just go and I’ll be there in a hour, what’s so wrong with it?’’_

_This time I am looking into Lexa’s eyes. They’re teary. She’s hurt, maybe. But she’s being so pushy and insistent. I can’t handle that now. She hold our eye contact for a few more seconds, perhaps waiting for me to change my mind, but when she sees it’s not going to happen she nods, turns her back and walks away._

_I spend a couple more hours at the club and I let the girl I met at the dance floor walk me back to my apartment. I won’t deny, I am really drunk. I downed around five more shots after Lexa left the club, drank some more drinks and now I can barely walk straight. Somehow, I manage to walk up the stairs and get to my apartment’s door. I am trying to unlock it with my key and I start laughing because I am failing miserable. After many attempts, I enter my apartment and start walking towards our room. Lexa is sleeping, I don’t want to wake her up even more if she is going to see me like this. I try to take off my clothes and dress my pajamas and it’s probably the hardest task I have ever done. I laugh again. I leave our bedroom after getting into pajamas and head to the living room and let my body fall on the couch. Yes I am sleeping here._

_I was almost falling asleep when I feel Lexa kneeling in front of me. ''Come to bed…’’ Her voice is so calm and peaceful but I still don’t really want to go back to bed. I kind of want to sleep on the couch._

_''I am good here.’’ I say with my eyes still closed. I feel her presence for some more moments then she leaves._

_I am literally seconds away from falling asleep when I notice Lexa covering my body with a blanket and pressing a kiss on my forehead and I fall asleep right after._

_I wake up on Sunday afternoon with a huge headache. Probably shouldn’t have drank too much. I look at the room table and there’s two glasses, one with orange juice, one with water and two Advils. I stay for five more minutes on the couch until I am fully awake. I finally get up and take the two pills and drink both water and orange juice. I decide to take a shower right after and make my way to the bathroom. While I’m taking off my clothes I start thinking about last night. Maybe I was too harsh with Lexa, maybe I should apologize for the way I talked with her. Our relationship has been so weird ever since my dad died. It’s almost like I don’t want to have feelings anymore. Like I don’t want to care too deeply about someone anymore. I enter the shower and I let the water fall on my body. Perhaps I don’t want to be commited to someone right now…_

_After taking a shower I go watch some TV in the living room. I am not really paying attention to it because my head is running too many thoughts. Negative ones. This is why I hate being alone and rather be surrounded by people. It prevents me from thinking too much. Thinking about the emptiness I am feeling since my dad is not with me anymore, thinking about the relationship with my mother that has been almost inexistent…About Lexa and me… Suddenly, I hear the door open and it reveals my girlfriend. She is carrying a bag with food and she doesn’t seem happy…or angry…more like sad and really tired._

_''Are you hungry?’’ She asks taking a seat next to me. Lexa is trying not to look at me and I realize that she might be really bothered._

_I nod and grab the burguer she brought me. We stay silent for a while. It’s an awkward silence. I sense that there are so many things that Lexa might want to talk about but she doesn’t really know how._

_She sighs. ''Clarke…’’ She begins to talk and places the rest of her burguer on the room table. ''I know you’re hurt and you’re in pain but you need to let me help you.’’_

_I don’t take my eyes off the TV. I know where this conversation is going and I don’t want to have it. ''How many times I said I don’t want to have this conversation?’’ My voice is low and raspy and describes some annoyance._

_Lexa turns her body so she can face me better and I look at her. ''I know…I also know you think you’re doing what is right for you but you’re not…’’ She doesn’t sound demanding, she sounds concerned and gentle like always. ''I am always here for you but I keep watching you destroying yourself more day by day and you don’t let me do anything about it…And I can not obligate you.’’_

_''If you’re so bothered with the way I am now, you can always break up and leave me alone.’’ These words simply leave my mouth without warning._

_''I won’t leave you just because you’re a bit lost Clarke…’’ She places her hand on my knee. ''I want to be here for you and I’ll do anything for you.’’_

_I look away. I don’t want to look deep into those green intense eyes that are desperately in need for mine. I know that I will cry if I do and I can’t do it. I can’t be weak. ''Maybe the best thing for you to do is leave…’’_

_Lexa takes her hand off my knees and stays quiet for probably a whole two minutes. ''You can’t mean that…’’ Her voice is shaking and I know just by hearing that she is about to cry so I don’t say anything. ''Tell me you don’t mean that…I won’t leave you Clarke…’’_

_''Probably it’s the best thing for both of us.’’ I simply say with a cold tone._

_''It’s not the best thing for me…’’ She’s talking really low by now. There is so much sadness coming from her mouth but I have to get this done._

_I get up from the couch and I look at her. ''It’s the best thing for me Lexa…’’ I couldn’t imagine myselg saying such words to her, not in a million years. But I am. ''I can’t be with you anymore.’’_

_I don’t let her say anything and I walk fast to my room. I don’t want to be in this apartment anymore after this conversation. It feels so weird. I have no idea what I just said but I feel so broke at this moment that I am afraid of falling apart. I put on a pair of jeans, grab a sweatshirt and I walk out of the room to find Lexa in the same exact position she was when I walked away._

_''I am going to stay at my bestfriends’ today, don’t worry.’’ I inform her and wait for her response. Lexa doesn’t look at me or moves. She is just sitting and I spot some tears rolling down her cheeks. When I realize she is not going to say anything, I leave our apartment._

_I call for a cab and I take around five minutes to get to my bestfriends’. I am walking up the stairs and my tears start falling intensively. I try to calm myself a little bit before knocking on the door but it only gets worse so I just knock._

_Raven opens the door and freezes looking at me. It only makes me cry more. ''Clarke, what is going on?’’ She seems worried and confused. I don’t know what to tell her so I just hug her tight._

_We spend the rest of the evening in silence. Raven doesn’t ask any questions, she just lets me cry endlessly. I don’t feel like talking or to say out loud what I just did. I know that she won’t understand and she will try to give me a reality check. But what am I supposed to do? I am so lost and I can’t seem to find my way back. My life has been so hard since my dad’s accident._

_I wake up on Raven’s bed and I feel like I was hit by a truck. I cried all night and only stopped when I finally fell asleep. I am glad my friend didn’t insist to know what happened yesterday but I know she will want an explanation today. I get up and walk out of her room. She is not in the living room so I check in the kitchen._

_I spot my friend in the kitchen making breakfast. ''Where is O?’’ I ask while walking closer to her._

_''Octavia went to visit her family this weekend.’’ She responds and turns her body to analyze me. I move to the fridge to avoid her questioning eyes. ''Are you going to talk about what happened?’’_

_I grab a beer from the fridge and turn myself to her. ''What are you doing?’’ She frowns._

_''I’m drinking a beer…’’ I say like it’s the most obvious and normal thing in the world to drink a beer in the morning._

_Raven sighs and takes the beer out of my hands. ''Clarke, you’re not drinking this look at you!’’ She points in my direction and I begin to analyze myself. What? ''Just tell me what happened, why were you crying so much last night?’’_

_''Lexa and I broke up.’’ I lower my head and look at the floor._

_''You and Lexa what!?’’ Raven asks surprised and moves her hands to her hips. ''You’ve got to be kidding me.’’_

_I shake my head and try hard not to cry again. ''I broke up with her…’’ My voice is trembling at this point._

_I watch Raven covering her eyes with her hands. I know what’s coming next and I deserve it. I have no idea what I did too. Then she looks at me and shakes her head slowly. I feel like she is judging me mentally but I can’t really blame her. ''Do you have any idea what you did?’’_

_I only shake my head because I wouldn’t know how to speak. I feel so stupid. ''Raven please…’’_

_''Raven please nothing!’’ She yells and she looks really disappointed. ''I am so sorry about what happened to your father, I really am. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a parente but you distance yourself from your mom, from your bestfriends and now you break up with Lexa? Lexa, the person that is totally head over hills for you, that would do anything for you. You decide that is better for you to delay your grief for temporary and stupid pleasure like having drinks and go clubbing almost every single night?’’_

_I give her a death glare so she could be careful with what she might say next. ''No, no, no…’’ Raven says and shakes her head. ''Don’t look at me like that! Accept the reality! Cry, cry on our shoulders for hours, days, weeks or even months if you feel like doing. Just don’t ask me to be okay with seeing my bestfriend destroying her life in front of my eyes.’’_

_At this time I am trying hard not to let my tears out of my eyes. Raven never talked to me like this after the death of my father. Suddenly, is like I am getting a reality check and everything is starting to hit me. Yesterday I was so decided to break things off because I was afraid of letting someone in, so afraid of feelings. Today, I am realizing the mistake I just made. These last months since my dad died I began to believe that going out and having fun was the best thing for me but I am just doing crap. I am looking at my bestfriend, the disappointment in her eyes sends shivers down my spine. It’s crazy how a lot can change in a few hours. I start crying again._

_Raven walks closer to me and pulls me into a hug. ''Clarke, you have to understand you have to accept what happened and don’t pull away the people that care about you…’’ She pauses still hugging me. ''This is not what your father would’ve wanted for you. Your bestfriends are here for you, let Lexa be too.’’_

_I pull back from the hug and face her. She doesn’t have the same disappointed expression anymore. I nod. ''I don’t know what to do…I’m scared.’’_

_''You should go back to your apartment and talk to Lexa.’’ She tells me._

_That is what I do. I leave my bestfriends’ apartment and start heading to mine to talk with Lexa and apologize for everything. I have been acting so selfish. I hurt her a lot, I said so much harsh stuff and she always stayed. She doesn’t deserve this. I just want to let her know I am ready to face my feelings. I am ready to slowly go back to normal because I love her so much. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else._

_I finally arrive to my apartment and I open the door. Something is different, I can feel it. It’s a different kind of quiet. I start to analyze the living room and the kitchen. Something is not right. I make my way to our room and I don’t see Lexa’s books anywhere. I don’t see anything belonging to Lexa here. I go check her closet, absolutely no clothes of here. She left. This is all my fault. I start crying for the second time this morning and the pain I feel in my heart is so unbearable. I lost Lexa. I lost the love of my life._

_***_

I have been staring at Octavia’s phone for far too long. After that day I went back to what used to be our apartment and realized she was gone, I never got news from her. I only managed to talk to her mother once and she said she was out of town. I thought she just needed a break and she would eventually come back…But she never did. Lexa gave up on college. Lexa joined the army, she is a soldier. I never thought I was going to see that beautiful face again. That perfect light brown hair falling down her shoulders. The intensity from those green eyes that stole my universe away. Those lips that once wrote poetry with mine. The person I will always be in love with. Looking at her and realize how much I still love her. With all my heart. My body is aching.


	4. I miss you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets to know some more details about Lexa's life after Lincoln arrives town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of short, I know I am sorry. These last days have been difficult to write. I got recently injured but I am fine now :)  
> Is Lexa and Clarke close to meet each other? It will be intense, I will just say that.

**IV Chapter – Clarke’s P.O.V**

**_1 week later_ **

****

A very tiring morning at the hospital has passed and it’s finally lunch time. My mom sent me a message earlier asking if I wanted to eat with her so I am walking to the staff’s cafeteria to meet her. I can’t say I am really hungry, I haven’t been eating really well for the past week. It’s like I get sick every time the food reaches my stomach. It’s funny because I am a doctor I should be more than capable to take care of myself but lately I have been careless.

I make my way through the cafeteria’s entrance and find my mom sitting on a table talking on her phone with a ear to ear smile. She must be talking to her boyfriend. I can’t think of anyone else she knows that could bring such smile on her face. I walk closer and she looks at me. My mom says something to the other person on the line I wasn’t really able to listen, not that I was curious, and hungs up.

''Hi, sweetie.’’ She smiles greeting me while I take a seat in front of her.

''Hey mom.’’ I sound tiring, not going to lie. Very tired in fact…For a moment, I do hope that she doesn’t notice everything that my voice is hiding. For the past years I have been really good at hiding feelings and thoughts but it gets so tiring sometimes.

I see her frown and look away. ''You don’t sound good…’’ She says staring at me. ''And you don’t look good either.’’

I know I don’t look good. I have dark circles under my eyes that makes me look like a panda, I am paler than normal and it seems like I lost weight. I didn’t check my weight yet but I will when I get back to work. ''I know.’’ That’s all I managed to respond.

''Are you feeling sick?’’ My mom reaches my hand. She is concerned because she knows I am not well. Worse than the last time we had dinner. Way worse.

I nod. ''I will be fine, don’t worry.’’ I give her a reassuring smile trying to worry her less. ''Can you go grab me a soup and som fruit salad please?’’

My mom smiles and leaves the table after whispering an ‘’okay’’ in response. I place both elbows on the table and rest my head, covering my face, on my hands. How did my life become an even more mess than it was before? Sometimes I wonder if God is putting me through a resistance test. When something starts happening to me, there are hundreds more following. Isn’t it too much to happen to one single person? It’s unbelievable that something like this happened right after I decided to do something more with my life…

I lift my head up when I hear my mom placing a tray in front of me with soup and fruit salad. ''Thank you.’’ I say.

''Do you want to talk about it?’’ My mom asks me while she takes a seat. She always knows when there’s something more. For the first time, I feel like talking about it.

I sigh still studying the next words. ''I saw Lexa…’’ I don’t even know how I managed to say her name out loud. It’s been so much time. There is pain in my voice but something sweet too. I can’t explain what’s going on in my head this time, I still haven’t figure it out yet.

''You saw Lexa?’’ My body trembled. My mom sounded confused and curious which is normal. We never talked about Lexa. Mostly because I couldn’t even hear her name without crying before. ''Where?’’

I am playing with my soup, I can’t eat right now. Thinking about that makes me feel weird. ''It was in a picture…’’ I start explaining. I lift my head and find my mom staring at me waiting for me to continue. ''Lincoln sent a picture to Octavia of his time in Kosovo, Lexa was there.’’

My mom lifts her eyebrow, something she never really does, I think I might got her pretty surprised. I can’t blame her, I don’t know what to think about it too. ''What do you mean she was there, sweetie?’’

''She is a soldier too…’’ I explain and I fight the sudden urge to cry. She still affects me so much after all this time. Thing is, she never stopped affecting.

I see my mother slightly opening her mouth, the exact same reactions me and my friends had at home. ''I don’t know what to say honey…’’

I wouldn’t know what to say in her position too. She knows the kind of relationship me and Lexa had eight years ago. My mom loved her, she used to say Lexa was a perfect match for me. I was the storm and she was the calm sky to relax me. We had such a beautiful relationship, full of love and friendship. I hate that I destroyed it. I hate to think that Lexa left college and joined the army because I broke her heart. What would have happened if I realized sooner my mistake? I know we could still be together, the kind of love we had for each other was so genuine and pure.

''Are you okay?’’ My mom asks me after we’ve been silent for a while.

''Honestly…’’ I begin and I give up trying to eat my soup and grab the fruit salad. ''I am not.’’ I am being as honest as I can be.

''Do you hope to find her here in town again?’’ My mom’s question is really surprising. The truth is, I do. In fact, I always hoped to see her again one day.

''I do.’’ I nod. ''Lincoln arrived this morning, I couldn’t help but hope she comes too.’’

My mom nods and gives me a little smile. I know that she doesn’t want to push me too hard because I still have a couple more hours left to work before going home. I can’t lose the last drops of concentration I have left.

After having lunch with my mom I go back to work. It’s 1 p.m and my shift ends at 4 p.m. Just three more hours to go and then I can finally head home. Octavia told us that Lincoln would be coming over tonight and I wonder if it would be too weird if I asked something about Lexa. I am so curious about everything…I still love her so much.

***

I arrive home after my shift and the house is quiet. Raven and Octavia are probably still out working. We haven’t run into each other too much lately, I have been doing some late night shifts, Octavia been spending more time at the office so she could have more time when Lincoln came and Raven is trying to occupy herself with work so she doesn’t think too much about her brother’s problems. Everything got so much worse for the past days. I wish Matias could stop causing them so much problems, he has a good heart but it almost seems like he was brainwashed. It’s a shame…

I decide to take a nap before they arrive. I mean, if I am going to see Lincoln and imagine what him and Lexa been through together in the army, I need to have at least a bit of energy. I go to my room, lay down on my bed and fall asleep almost instantly.

I wake up with the sound of laughs and giggles coming from outside my room. I grab my phone from the bedside table and it shows 9:29 p.m. Damn, this was a huge nap. It felt so good and refreshing. I stand up and follow the amusement sounds.

I am walking to the kitchen and I see Lincoln, Octavia and Raven sitting at the table talking and laughing. Their vibes make me smile. They seem so relaxed and happy. ''Hi guys.’’ I greet them and they look at me smiling.

''Good morning, Princess.’’ Raven jokes and everybody laughs. ''Sit with us.’’

I take a seat next to Raven and in front of us are both Lincoln and Octavia staring at each other with hearteyes. It’s been a year and they still on the honeymoon phase. It reminds me when I had this type of love once. Such magic and intensity.

''Are you glad to be back?’’ I ask looking at Lincoln’s direction. This is a stupid question, I know. Of course he is, but I really want to know something more about their life in the army. This was the only way I found to bring up the conversation.

''Yes, I am really happy.’’ He answers and looks to Octavia giving her a peek kiss after. It was adorable. They are adorably cute.

''Can I ask you something Linc?’’ Raven asks and I hope she doesn’t start with her weird questions. She always goes straight to the point. Sometimes Raven is so straightforward that it scares me.

He nods. ''Of course.’’

Raven looks at me and my body tenses. I know she is thinking the same thing as I am. I think not just me but my friends too got curious about those pictures. Lexa used to be their friend too. Good friends actually. ''Who are that girl next to you on the picture you sent to Octavia when you were in Kosovo?’’

I lower my head and close my eyes. I can feel my heartbeating and it’s beating fast. I thank God Raven is asking those questions for me but I am so nervous. I don’t know what I am going to find out about her. What happened to her. How is she like now. I am so tense and scared.

''You are probably talking about Lexa…’’ He answers and I lift my head up. He is with a big smile on his face. ''She is my bestfriend and also our Commander.’’

Wait…Lexa is a Commander? ''Are you serious?’’ I ask with a huge surprise in my voice. Lincoln lift his eyebrow and Octavia is looking at me like she is giving me a warning. ''I mean, for a girl to be a Commander…That’s surprising.’’ I quickly add hoping that will justify my reaction.

He chuckles. ''She is tough. One of the best soldiers I ever worked with.’’ As much as I am surprised to hear all this about Lexa, I notice how Lincoln speaks about her. With so much sweetness and affection. I can see how close they can be. ''I owe her my life.’’

I think every one of us got curious about his last statement. Octavia immediately looked at him and frown like he was telling something new. ''What do you mean by that?’’ Her voice is low and calm.

I hear him sigh and look down before speaking. ''We went to very dangerous missions…’’ He begins to speak while lifting his head to look at us. ''As an elite Unit that’s what you prepare for. Danger and chaos. We had this mission in Iraq that didn’t go as planned but that’s part of our life as soldiers. Not everything goes well and we have to be prepared for that.’’

I know, at this point, I can fall apart at any moment. The thought of Lexa in such dangerous and bad places makes my body shake. She could’ve gotten really hurt…Or worse. Maybe she is hurt? All kinds of bad thoughts are crossing my mind. I have no idea what she has been through.

''What happened there?’’ I hear Raven asking and I watch Octavia placing her hand on top of Lincoln’s.

''Our Unit got surrounded by a terrorist group…’’ Lincoln starts explaining. His voice has a sad tone. I would’ve told him to not talk about it if he didn’t want to if I wasn’t so curious about this story. ''Other Units should’ve been there with us too but they got late. The terrorists tried to take us down but our fellow soldiers came to rescue us. One by one. Me and Lexa were the lasts ones to be saved. She insisted for me to go first because Lex always the commander have to make sure her men are safe and only after seek for her own safety…’’

I have no idea what to think about this. I feel sick to think about Lexa in such danger. I can’t believe she could’ve died so badly. Every time I wondered what she was doing these last years, something like this never crossed my imagination. I know by the looks on my bestfriends’ faces, neither were they expecting such revelation.

''Did something happened to her?’’ Octavia asks and this time I am too terrified of the answer. I am so scared to hear about it.

Lincoln stares to the ceiling like she is processing a really hard memory. I don’t think I am prepared to hear what is coming next. ''Two soldiers that were rescuing us got shot and she brought me to safety herself.’’ He says before staring at his own hands resting on his lap. ''She went back to get them but she got captured.’’

I cover my face with my hands and I try to focus on my breathing. I try to not imagine the whole thing but it’s too late. My face starts getting wet and this is it. I am breaking down in front of Lincoln and he has no idea what is going on. I destroyed our beautiful relationship and Lexa joined the army and went through such horrible things because of me. I feel Raven giving holding me into a hug but it doesn’t comfort me. I can only think about Lexa. That beautiful woman that has my heart and will always have. I think about those green eyes asking for help. Those eyes I could’ve been staring to right now if I wasn’t such a terrible person. I start crying because I can’t hold it anymore. I am sobbing and I won’t try to control it.

''Clarke, shh, it’s okay.’’ Raven says holding me tighter.

''I am sorry I didn’t mean to upset you with this story...’’ Lincoln says very concerned and agitated.

I pull back from the hug and I face him. He looks pale. I know Lincoln wasn’t expecting this reaction from me at all. He doesn’t know about my story with Lexa and it’s normal for him to be so confused. ''I am sorry.’’ I say.

He shakes his head. ''No, I know these kind of stories can upset people, I should’ve warned you before telling all this.’’

''Babe it’s not that…’’ Octavia looks at me like she is asking for my permission to say something. I manage to nod. ''They used to date some years ago.’’

Lincoln looks at me with a comprehensive expression. I can’t quite figure out what he might be thinking but he does look a bit surprised too. I mean, he just realized his bestfriend is her girlfriend’s bestfriend’s ex. The world is such a small place. Small and cruel place.

''We got surprised too’’ Raven breaks the silence and takes a seat after grabbing a glass of water for me. ''When we saw Lexa in the same picture as you.’’

''I imagine.’’ He says. I close my eyes and drink the water. ''I could’ve never guessed.’’

I finish my water and place the cup on top of the table. I know they are waiting for me to say something. ''Is she okay?’’ I ask and I feel my voice trembling.

He nods and smiles at me. ''She is fine now.’’

I know he is being honest. One thing I appreciate about him is his honesty. But I still care about Lexa even more now that I know she has been in very dangerous places. My heart hurts to think about it. I wish I could talk to her again. I wish I could see her and fall into her arms that have always been my safe place. These last days have been crazy. I hold every tear, every urge I had to talk about her and the feelings I still have for her to my friends and it’s all coming out at once. I still liked to know about what she is doing now but I never thought I would be hearing something like this. I always thought if one day I ended up hearing some news about Lexa, it would be something like she has a great career as a lawyer and a good relationship with someone that could take care of her when I didn’t.

After some moments of silence I hear Lincoln chuckling nervously. ''So it’s you.’’

I look at him curious and confused. ''It’s me what?’’ My tone is low and insecure.

''Lex once told me about a relationship she had in the past…’’ He says while resting both of his arms on the table. ''She never told me a name but I realize you’re that person now.’’

I don’t know what to say to that. Maybe Lexa thought about me all this time as much as I thought about her. ''Did she tell you how much I hurt her?’’

Lincoln gives me a pity face and I don’t need him to answer. I know it already. I face the glass in front of me avoiding every pair of eyes that are watching me right now. ''I am sorry if I upset you.’’

I shake my head without saying a word hoping that’s enough of an answer. He didn’t upset me. I upset myself every day thinking about how I let her go.

''Where is she now?’’ Raven asks him and places her hand on my leg. She knows me so well it’s crazy. Raven makes all the questions I am not capable to. It’s obvious I would want to know about that mostly because I have this hope in the back of my mind that we will meet again and hopefully talk.

''Hum…’’ I look at Lincoln and he feels a bit uncomfortable. ''She is in New York. Maybe she is coming next week to visit her family. That’s what she told me at least.’’

I get lost in my thoughts after Lincoln says Lexa might come to town next week. I feel a little excited despite all the sadness and regret. I shouldn’t make too much scenarios in my head but I can’t help myself. I would love to talk to her again, staring at those eyes again, admire that endless beauty. I would love to hear her saying my name again. I miss her so much. How could I ever love someone that is not her?


	5. Time to go home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa makes an important decision not only for herself but for her relationship as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, there's another chapter slowly aiming towards some action, probably.  
> By the way, there will be a description of Costia in this chapter and I made that description based in Berta Vazquez, a spanish actress that played one of my favourite characters in Vis a Vis. I don't know why but when I was writing some notes for the chapters, I thought of Costia physical appearance and I pictured Berta so...  
> I hope you like it and I can't wait to bring you some more!

**Chapter V – Lexa’s P.O.V**

The air of New York is so different. It’s crazy to compare places I’ve been since I joined the army with this big city. I don’t dislike it here but I always enjoyed a quieter place more. The decision of moving from Polis to New York wasn’t so hard because I couldn’t really find myself living there anymore. I only moved here when I met Costia, two years ago but before that, I never really went back to Polis even when I was off duty. After some missions overseas, my Unit and I would get a lay off up to, sometimes, six months. I saw every soldier returning home to their families but I could only manage to stay with mine not longer than three days. During the lay off, I would stay, sometimes, in Fort Benning where we had our militar training. The other times, I would travel and the best part of it, is that I traveled with my friends. I always saw the opportunity of creating new and good memories with people I care about as a good step towards my healing. Being with them does help me going through my hardest moments.

I live in a nice apartment with my girlfriend Costia and I can find comfort and wellness here. She is one of the persons that has given me more emotional support and I always want to try to be better for her and for our relationship. I wouldn’t want her to feel like I am not willing to do anything for us while she has been enduring so much. When we met, it was like most couples when they start knowing each other, it’s all good until problems start arriving. The first time I started talking to Costia, I thought she was this sweet and gentle woman that I could easily find myself having a relationship with but at the same time I was so used to be alone that the commitment scared me and by that time, I had already experienced some rough situations in the army. I pushed her away so many times and until this day I don’t know if it was because I was afraid to hurt her or because I was afraid of getting hurt. It was probably a mix of both things. The good thing is, I have been making a huge effort to stop doing that and I am proud of myself for getting better in certain situations…But there are some stuff that it’s still hard for me to ignore, for example, giving myself to her like she does with me.

I am in the kitchen at 4 a.m because I couldn’t sleep. Thinking that I am getting used to the time difference and vibes from Kosovo to New York is only a way to try to relax myself. I don’t really sleep much, wherever I am. I always wake up in the middle of the night, leave bed and enjoy the silence and then, when I feel satisfied, I go back to bed and try to sleep some more. I won’t deny, it’s exhausting sometimes not getting a full night of good sleep. If I was back in Polis I would go for a run, like I always did when I was there, but living almost downtown in a big city makes everything harder.

''Hey babe, you can’t sleep?’’ I hear the soft and sleepy voice of Costia coming from next to the kitchen entrance. ''Do you want me to make you some tea?’’

I am leaning against the kitchen counter and my eyes follow my girlfriend as she walks closer. She is wearing a blue rope on top of her white and pink pajamas. She is a beautiful half Ethiopian half American woman. Costia has dark eyes, brown skin and black, type 3C, curly hair. I feel her arms wrapping around my waist and her head leaning against my chest. I embrace her hug and enjoy the comfort of her arms. I do like physical contact with people I feel comfortable with and it feels good to have a hug in these moments. Costia seems to know exactly what to do or say when I am feeling melancholic.

''I already drank tea.’’ I say still hugging her. ''Thank you.’’ I give her a kiss on top of her head.

We stay in the same position for some more time. I keep thinking about home. I do miss it but I am not sure if I want to go back for a few days. Lincoln asked me if I wanted to go with him and I didn't think it was a bad idea at first but I still decided last minute I would return to New York instead. As a soldier, I had contact with so many terrible and scary scenarios and the thing I am most afraid of is returning home even if it’s for only a couple of days. I wish I could stay for some time and enjoy quality time with my family, I miss them. My brother is dying for me to go home and joke around like we used to…I can’t help but thinking I am disappointing them for returning to the country and not giving them a visit. We’ve been communicating through voice calls or video calls but there are times it doesn’t feel enough.

I pull Costia back from the hug to face her and she looks like she was almost falling asleep. I smile watching her pouting. ''I was thinking about returning home for a few days…’’ I say with a careful voice.

My girlfriend smiles widely and grabs my left hand. ''That is great.’’ She rests her head against my chest again while caressing my hand. ''Your family will be so happy Lexa.’’ I feel her voice against my skin.

''Yeah.’’ I simply say processing what I am going to ask next. Not sure if I am ready or if it’s a good idea to invite her to come with me. Maybe it will be a good idea. I sigh after gaining the courage I needed. ''Do you want to come with me?’’

Costia quickly stands in a straight position to face me and she looks happy and surprised. ''You want me to meet your family?’’ She smiles and raises her eyebrow.

I nod looking directly into her. Costia’s eyes are expressing happiness and so much love. She never told me anything but I knew she always wanted to meet my family like I met hers after four months in a relationship. She has a big family. I remember that I was so nervous before stepping into her parents’ house but they were so kind that the nervousness quickly faded. She has two younger brothers and two older sisters. They were all there to meet me and it was probably one of the biggest moments I faced in these last years. Sometimes I don’t deal really well with pressure and anxiety. I am really glad they were all as sweet as Costia is.

''Are you sure?’’ She reaches my cheek with her palm.

I nod again and she wraps her arms around my neck. I look down to find Costia’s gaze and I lean down to press my lips against hers. Our kiss is gentle and sweet. I can feel on her lips all the good feelings I brought when I invited to meet my family. Thinking about it makes me anxious but also I am glad I am giving something to us. This will be a good and important step further to develop our relationship. I know she’s been waiting for me to make a step like this since the beginning, Costia has been so patient that she deserves this. I want to be better.

''Let’s go to bed.’’ She says softly in between our kiss. I know she is tired. Costia likes to sleep a lot and being awake at this time is a nightmare for her so I grab her hand and I walk with her towards our bedroom.

We lay down on the bed and I cuddle her. Only sometimes she likes to be the big spoon but we both prefer when I am. She tries to get her back closer to my body but it’s impossible so I take that has a sign to hold her tighter and that’s what I do. I am really pleased that I could leave her happy like this, it feels peaceful. I couldn’t thank her enough for all the patience and support she has been giving me. Even when there’s this voice in the back of my head telling me to distance myself sometimes, I will try not to do it anymore. Maybe I don’t deserve all this but I am only a human being looking for something good in the middle of darkness. The biggest problem for me is keeping everything to myself…There are times that I feel suffocated with a huge need to speak but it’s not that easy. I am so thankful for meeting Costia and receive all the good things she is been giving me, no doubt of that but there are some stuff I can’t share still. This is when I think about my friends, especially Lincoln and Anya. They know pretty much all that happened to me because we spent months together 24/7 and sometimes the suffocation became unbearable. Perhaps it was easier to talk since I found them living the same dramas and war horrors as I did but still they are special friends for me. How couldn’t they be? We were ready to give our lives for each other and it says a lot.

I make a pause on my loud thoughts and concentrate on the sound of Costia’s breathing. I smile when I think how fast she falls asleep. If there’s something she loves besides gummy candy and her family is sleeping. I close my eyes and wait for my time to fall asleep too.

***

After taking a shower in our bedroom’s bathroom, I go grab my phone to call Lincoln. It’s 9 a.m he is surely awake. We get so used to wake up really early in the morning while we’re in the army that the habit stays with us and takes part of our lifestyle. It’s not a bad thing. Why do you stay asleep when you can enjoy every bit of the day? I dial Lincoln’s number and wait for him to pick up.

He picks up after the third beep. _''Hey Lex. What’s up?’’_ I hear his calm voice from the other side of the line.

''Hey Linc.’’ I greet him and I look outside the window to check the weather. ''I was wondering if you could pick me up at the airport when I get there?’’

_''You’re coming?’’_ I smile hearing the excitement in his voice. It’s normal since he’s been insisting for me to go back home with him for far too long.

I giggle. ''Yes.’’

_''When!?’’_ He asks euphorically just like a little kid.

''Actually…’’ I make my way out of the bedroom and walk towards the kitchen. ''I have to still buy the tickets with Costia since she is going too.’’

_''Oh, really?’’_ Lincoln doesn’t hide the surprise in his voice. I can’t blame him, it is surprising in my case.

I nod even though he can’t see me. ''Yes. I hope there are flights for tomorrow.’’ I say while grabbing an apple. ''Do you think you could pick us up?’’

_''Of course!’’_ I smile hearing his answer. Lincoln is such a nice and kind person and he doesn’t say no to anything. I know it’s a small favour but I am just way too thankful for having him in my life.

''Thank you.’’ I take a bite of my apple and I chew a few times. ''How’s everything back home?’’

I cognize him way too well already to know he is smiling. _''It feels so good. It’s great to be back and spend time with Octavia.’’_

There’s the name again. Is it actually possible to be the same person? I do have curiosity to know if she is who I think she is. Polis is a small city and that name is so uncommon that it has to be. It seems like they have already something serious going on with each other so one day or another I will end up meeting her. It’s just so weird that after eight years I am hearing a name that I never thought I would be hearing again. Life can be so strange sometimes…I spent all this years trying to heal from a heartbreak and to be honest, perhaps I already accepted it. But you can’t erase some stories from your mind even if you want to. Dealing with them does help you healing and accepting the results. You just have to trust the process. All that I know is, in order to survive such pain I completely changed my life. I don’t know what my life would’ve been if I kept walking in the same direction as I was before but, like every path we choose, I got so many good things along the way.

_''Lex, you there?’’_ Lincoln’s voice snap me out of my thoughts. I didn’t realize we were staying silent for this long.

‘’Huh, yeah sorry.’’ I say still composing myself.

_''Are you alright?’’_ He asks worriedly. 

''Yes.’’ I am not lying, I am alright but hearing his girlfriend’s name made me think too much. ''I will call or text you telling you when to pick us up?’’

_''Sounds good to me’’_ He says kindly. _''See you soon.’’_

_''See you.’’_ I say before hanging up.

I can’t think about this anymore. I have to focus on this trip with Costia or else I will regret it and end up cancelling it because I can’t make it. I would hate to disappoint her after giving so many hopes. I thought I was doing this mostly because of me because, somehow in my head, having Costia by my side in Polis would make me less tense and more comfortable…But I am doing this for both of us and I am realizing more and more that this is so important for our relationship. It’s been so hard for me to open up and now I am taking my girlfriend to the city I grew up and that saves so many memories. I don’t want to screw it up, I want to, slowly, find the comfort there that I lost. I want to connect with my family more. That’s probably all that is lacking in my life and preventing me from reaching a nice level of happiness. I don’t consider myself unhappy or happy. I could say I am neutral. The only thing important for me to feel is peace.

I am sitting on the couch, reading a book, when I hear the sound of keys unlocking the door. I look to my left and the door reveals a very amused Costia. She walks towards me and leans down to give me a peek.

''Guess what?’’ She says smiling against my lips.

I smile back confused. ''What?’’ I know this is the way she acts when she plans a surprise for me. Costia’s is all smiling and being mysterious and I find that, actually, really cute.

She stands in front of me and crosses her arms probably waiting for me to guess. Or maybe she is just enjoying my curious expression way too much. I stare at her for a little while, she is wearing a black shirt, light grey jeans and black sneakers. Costia’s body matches her personality. It’s beautiful. She is the kind of woman that could be dressing like a homeless that she’d still manage to make all of it look stunning. Her black hair has perfect curls and I adore it. It suits her.

''Come on.’’ She laughs. She has beautiful white teeth and her smile is amazing. ''Are you going to eat me with your eyes?’’ Costia smirks looking directly into my eyes.

I giggle. ''I don’t know if you are expecting me to guess something…’’ I explain. But she was right, I was staring at her and appreciating her body.

I see her reaching for her back pocket and hold in the air two plane tickets. She gives me a toothy smile. ''I got us the tickets to go see your family.’’ Costia voice expresses excitement and sweetness.

I want to be annoyed because she got the tickets instead of me since I was the one inviting her but I give her a genuine smile. I know she wanted to make a surprise and I would rather thanking her for it than reprimanding. She walks closer to me, not taking her eyes off of mine, and she sits on my lap with her legs next to mine. ''Thank you.’’ My voice is almost a whisper. ''But you didn’t hav…’’

''Shh.’’ She places her thumb on my lips to prevent me from finishing what I was going to say. ''I wanted to.’’ She says with a really calm tone.

I simply nod still staring at her eyes. ''When are we going?’’ I ask.

She smirks and kisses me. ''Tomorrow.’’ I hear her voice against my lips. Costia kisses me again and this time I feel her tongue seeking for mine. I open my mouth and embrace both of our tongues in a deep kiss. ''Wait…’’ She quickly interrupts our kiss and looks at me. I frown confused. ''Is that okay for you?’’

I chuckle looking at her concerned expression and unpredictability. ''Did it seem like it was not okay for me?’’ I joke and pull her closer. She smiles before kissing me.

***

We’re on our way to the airport at 11 a.m because we wanted to grab something to eat before our flight there. We ended up preparing our suitcases earlier this morning because last night Costia and I were busy watching movies and making out. Every time I asked her for us to prepare our suitcases she would just groan in response. I didn’t mind to leave it for the next morning even if I like to leave everything prepared in advance. I texted Lincoln yesterday that we would be arriving Polis around 6 p.m and he told me he would be there. It’s been almost only three days since the last time I saw Lincoln but I can tell that I miss him. We spent so much time together and it feels weird not having is presence. Sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep, he would join me and we would go for a run, a walk or even sit and talk. I can’t wait to hang out with my bestfriend again.

''How are you feeling?’’ I hear Costia asking holding my hand and smiling at me.

''I feel good.’’ I return the smile and reach for her lips to give her a light kiss.

Today I haven’t been too talkative and she understands I am processing what’s going to happen. I talked to my mom earlier this morning while we were packing and I told her we would be in Polis today. She was so happy to hear that I would be going home and that she’d finally meet Costia. My mom told me she wouldn’t say anything to my brother Aden though, it’s supposed to be a surprise. I know how happy and excited he gets when he knows I am coming home. I feel good about this, it makes me feel great that I am finally being brave enough to do something for the people I care about.

After arriving the airport, grabbing something to eat and walking through our gate, we’re finally sitting on the airplane. Costia is not the biggest fan of airplanes so I always take the seat next to the window. The first time we flied together on vacation to Puerto Rico, I could say by the looks on her face that she was terrified. It wasn’t her first time in an airplane but she was still very scared. By the third time we went on a vacation together, she was feeling more comfortable and less scared. She even took the window seat once but she didn’t enjoy it that much.

Costia got us the seat next to the wing because she knows that’s my favourite place. It’s wider and the view is amazing. The plane is actually filled with people which is completely normal…But I’d still rather those flights where you can see some empty seats because it’s less...stifling. There’s is something more important to think about now than how crowded the airplane is. The fact I am going home and I am taking Costia to meet my parents and my brother. Yesterday I wasn't feeling as anxious as I am feeling now. The truth is, this is happening and it’s going to be good for me, for us, for my family. I hear the airplane engines starting to warm up and I feel Costia’s hugging my arm tighter. Her head is resting on my shoulder and her eyes are closed. It’s time for us to take our relationship to a next level. It’s time to face some demons.


	6. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa returns to her hometown with her girlfriend Costia. Also, she hears about someone that used to be in her life eight years ago for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter. I am so excited to write the next following chapters and present it to you!  
> Thank you for reading my story and for being so kind. Let me know what you think about this one :)

**Chapter VI – Lexa’s P.O.V**

After a four hour flight, I can finally see from the airplane’s window our destination. I look at Costia and she is still sleeping with her head on my shoulder. Of course that after barely sleeping last night, she’d fall asleep here. I brought my book with me so I could read while admiring the view of the sky. I do love to step inside an airplane and to be honest, I lost count the amount of times I set food inside one. Most of those times, not for good reasons. I checked in some countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, Lybia and even Syria and the moment I landed there, I knew anything could be really dangerous. That’s just a third of the countries I have been while on duty. I thought that, after my first war intense experience, I would regret joining the military. Some places can be deadly hazardous and to think I have been in the most risky countries in the world, gives me something to think about. I am sitting on an airplane on my way home, my family is waiting for me in a cozy house with everything we need but there are people that don’t even have water to drink. I have never been the materialistic kind but I can say, I am even less now. With all the honesty, I am more at peace while enjoying the simple things in life.

I close my book when the pilot start informing we’re about to land and I look through the window. I can’t say which part is my favourite, the take-off or the landing. I can see Polis International Airport already and the feelings I get, are the same as the other times I came here, anxiety and a weird sensation on my stomach. This city saw me growing up and having fun with my friends, my first time being drunk, studying to enter the law college, making to law college, me and my brother playing at the park and it also saw me packing ready to leave.

I wake, carefully, Costia so she can assume a straight position on her seat for the landing. ''We’re about to land.’’ I inform giving her a smile.

She closes her eyes and smiles at me. The happiness Costia is showing, helps me calming down. She’s been waiting so long for this moment and it finally came. If someone told me I would be doing this a couple of years ago, I’d say that person is crazy…But it’s happening today. I can imagine my mom and dad preparing a nice table and dinner for us and my brother Aden completely confused not knowing the occasion. I can’t wait to surprise him. His reaction will probably be the best part of this visit.

''Thank you.’’ Costia says and looks at me with sincere eyes. I almost feel proud of myself for taking such step. I truly hope everything goes well and I don’t mess anything up because of the tricky mind I have. It comforts me to know that I have the most important people by my side, helping me through some barriers I set for myself.

We both share a smile and I give her a small kiss on the lips before laying my eyes on the view outside the window. Everything looks familiar. Polis has so much green spaces and that’s one of the things I love about the city. Going to the park for a morning run or even a walk was one of my favourite things to do. Hearing the birds singing, smelling the fresh air or simply looking at the threes…It’s so magic. The world is beautiful, it’s a shame humans destroy it for absolutely stupid causes.

We landed at 6:17 p.m and we’re walking to the baggage reclaim to pick our luggage. Meanwhile I grab my phone to text Lincoln to tell him we’ll be in the arrivals soon. I can’t wait to see him. We’ve been in so many places together but in our home town, never happened. I am going to stay for two weeks and I can feel that it will be challenging. I might be realizing now that I needed this to procceed with my life. I never really thought I was so stuck in the same mental state until I met Costia. It’s not something you can’t change over night, it takes time but, hopefully, this will help me. Perhaps I will start sharing some stuff from my past with her because keeping it inside will keep consuming me and I won’t be able to keep going. I look at where I am now…In Polis, with my girlfriend and ready to introduce her to my family. I am finally moving on from darkness.

After picking our luggage, we begin to walk towards the arrivals to meet Lincoln. I start focusing on my breathing and I feel Costia’s taking my hand trying to comfort me. Sometimes I think it’s stupid for feeling so overwhelmed to be back at home but, we can’t ignore what we feel, can we?

When we step in the arrivals, there’s a good amount of people waiting for other passengers but I can spot Lincoln instantly. There he is, my bestfriend leaning against a pillar smiling in my direction. I fight the urge I have to walk faster, nobody has an idea how he important he became. There are times I think that I couldn’t have endured so many bad moments if it wasn’t for him. All the late night talks we had, all the stories we shared with each other and all the friendship and respect we have. When I look at him, I see not only my bestfriend, but I see my brother too. After spending all this time away from my family, they didn’t have time to get used to my changes and to who I became so I can say, Lincoln knows me better than anyone.

As I walk closer, I see Lincoln opening his arms to embrace me in a hug. I accept it without hesitation. I missed this goofy bald man way too much.

''Did you miss me?’’ He asks with an amused tone hugging me tighter.

I laugh. It came from the heart because I feel happy, his presence makes me feel safe and protected. ''A little bit.’’ I joke without containing an ear to ear smile.

We both pull back from the hug and he walks closer to Costia to hug her too. It’s not the first time they’ve seen each other. They met already and, actually, we’ve been in vacation together a couple of times.

''Did you survive the fear, curly fry?’’ Lincoln always messes with Costia about her fear of flying. In fact, he will joke around with anything because he’s just like that. A dorky guy ready to put a smile on everyone’s face.

Costia laughs and punches his shoulder. ''Actually I spent the whole time sleeping.’’

Lincoln looks at me as if he is asking if what Costia is saying is true, so I nod smiling. She never sleeps inside the airplane because she gets too stressed and afraid but, I think, her sleepyhead got the best of her. It always does.

My bestfriend helps me taking the luggage to his car that is parked outside. After putting the suitcases in the trunk, I sit on the passenger seat. I appreciate the weather from Polis, it’s calm and serene. The sunset lights hitting the city gives it such a pleasant view. I almost forgot how it felt like to catch a sunset in my home city. I can hear the voice of Lincoln and Costia but I don’t pay attention to what they are saying. I am so focused processing every detail around me as Lincoln drives. Everything seems exactly as I remembered.

''Are you okay?’’ Lincoln’s voice brings me back to reality. He doesn’t sound concerned, I know he is just randomly checking up on me because I have been quiet.

I look at him and smile. ''Yeah.’’

''Have you met Lexa’s parents already, Linc?’’ Costia can’t hide the excitement and the little nervousness on her voice.

''I haven’t.’’ He chuckles and looks at the rearview mirror to watch Costia. ''Why? Are you worried?’’ Lincoln asks amused.

''I was just trying to get a second opinion about them.’’ My girlfriend answers calmly. I get what she is feeling, when I was going to meet her parents, I was wondering about how they were like too. It’s normal, everyone does that, I think.

''I’ve heard Indra is really serious and observative…’’ He starts joking trying to get a reaction from Costia. ''You might not survive tonight.’’

I hear Lincoln’s laughing when he checks the insecure and confused expression of Costia and I punch him on his shoulder making him laugh even more. ''He’s just messing with you.’’ I don’t use an angry or serious tone, I did find it funny as well. Lincoln doesn’t say anything to harm or to worry anyone on purpose, he’s just a really playful guy that likes to tease his friends.

Lincoln drove for, around, fifteen more minutes until getting to my parents’ house and it’s almost 7 p.m by now. I face the Victorian style house that I grew up in. The light of the dining room is already on. I can imagine my mom still checking up on dinner, my dad completely relaxed in the living room watching sports and Aden in his room playing video games. I look at Costia and she doesn’t look as relaxed as before. I walk closer to her to grab her hand hoping that will make her less anxious.

The three of us walk towards the front door with the luggage and I knock. I lay my eyes on my girlfriend again to see if she calmed down a bit but I think she looks even more nervous. I can’t blame her, meeting parents can be overwhelming in general and she’s also been waiting a long time for this.

The door opens and it reveals my mother. She looks at me with emotional eyes and hugs me right after. It feels good to be in her arms again, one of the persons that helped me having a better life. I wish I didn’t have so much emotional trouble to come back in town. Sometimes I feel ungrateful for being away from two amazing people that welcomed me and Aden into their lives. Despite not being our birth parents, they took care of us like they were. They gave us everything other kids had and we couldn’t have but most importantly, they gave us love and education.

My mom slowly pulls back from the hug and grabs my hands looking at me. ''I missed you.’’ Her voice is deep but sweet.

I smile at her. ''I missed you too.’’ I look in Costia’s direction and she’s observing attentively our mom-daughter scene with a shy smile on her face. ''This is Costia, mom.’’ I grab her right hand and she waves shyly with the other before leaning on my mom’s direction to greet her with two kisses on the cheeks.

''It’s nice to meet you, Miss Woods.’’ Costia’s voice is soft and polite.

''It’s very nice to meet you too, Costia.’’ My mom shares a smile with my girlfriend before looking at Lincoln’s direction. ''You must be Lincoln.’’ I told my mom about my bestfriend and even shared with her some pictures we took together. She always used to say that she had a good feeling about him. My mom’s instinct is so accurate, it’s mind blowing. I don’t remember one time she said something that wasn’t correct.

''Affirmative, ma’am.’’ Lincoln says while stepping closer to her to greet her. I bet he was only place two kisses on both of my mom’s cheeks, but she kissed one of his cheek before pulling him into a hug. Lincoln is a warm and loving person, he wouldn’t mind this at all, plus, he probably understand she is grateful for the friendship and support he always gave me. My mom is trying to thank him for everything he’s done for me.

''Will you stay with us for dinner, Lincoln?’’ I realize that she is really excited and happy, not only for having me back at home but also to meet to special persons in my life. This is perhaps the first time in so many years, that I am sharing such important piece of my life with her again.

''Will have to stay for another time…’’ He says and places his hand on her shoulder. ''I have plans with my girlfriend already, but thank you for inviting me.’’

Lincoln says goodbye and goes back to his car. My mom, Costia and I enter my home and take the suitcases with us. The smell inside is so familiar and I am not talking about my mom’s food. You could never forget the smell and the vibes of your home. All the frames and furniture are the same place I saw them last time. Sometimes my parents like to make some changes, but this time there’s no difference.

I see my mom and Costia talking while looking at some hanging picture frames. There are three pictures where they are standing, in the middle is a family picture and on both sides of it, is one of my young self and on the other me holding Aden when he was four. I still remember our parents’ visits to the orphanage before they adopted us. I was always next to Aden because, for the very first time I laid my eyes on him, I felt the need to protect him against everything. While I was at the orphanage, I never saw a baby with that age there and it made me feel so sad. Some months after his arrival, Indra and Gustus started making visits because they wanted to adopt a child. I knew that couples always rather adopt a baby instead of a fourteen year old kid and I couldn’t help but thinking they were going to separate us. On one side, I was happy he was going to have a family that would give him what the orphanage couldn’t but on the other, I was sad that I probably would never see him again. The second visit they did, I refused to let Aden go of my arms…I needed to go to that visit too, to make sure they were good people and would take good care of him. I think our parents got impressed by that connection, even though we weren’t siblings, and this situation had an unexpected turn. Instead of adopting only Aden, they adopted both of us. My mom always told me, it would be good for him to have a big sister to look after him. That’s what I always did but these last years, I can’t help but feeling that I failed. I haven’t been present enough and I know that makes my brother really sad. I need to, at least, be a better person for my family.

Little time after, we walk to the dining room. The table is set beautifully. It’s not a new because my mom always loved to prepare something like this just for the four of us, but today is more sophisticated than the other times, let’s just say that. After all, they are meeting my girlfriend, finally.

''Everything looks so beautiful.’’ Costia says with warmth and kindness in her voice. Her eyes are sparkling and it makes me relax a little bit more to see that she’s more comfortable.

''My wife does amazing stuff.’’ Suddenly, we hear my dad’s deep voice. A tall man with long beard is revealed by the entrance. He is wearing the smile that always gave me comfort when I felt afraid of something when I was younger.

He walk towards me and embraces me in a hug. My dad is very tall and strong but he can still give the most soft hugs ever. ''I missed you.’’ I whisper against his chest and he hugs me tighter before pulling back.

''You must be Costia.’’ My dad says and greets her with a kiss on her cheek. ''Lexa finally decided to bring you home.’’ He winks at me amused.

Costia chuckles. ''Yes, _finally_.’’ She emphasizes the word playfully and both my parents laugh. I can tell they already like her but that’s not surprising, Costia is a hard person to dislike.

''You three take a seat…’’ My mom says pointing at the table. ''I will drag Aden out of the room.’’ She says sarcastically and I giggle. My brother is really attached to his games and I know how hard it can be to convince him to go out of his room.

We take a seat on the table. My dad always takes the host’s seat and I sit next to him on his left. Costia sits on my left side too.

''How was your flight?’’ My dad asks to break the silence.

''It was a calm one, fortunately.’’ Costia answers while placing her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her hand.

''How could you possibly know that?’’ I ask smirking. ''You spent the whole flight sleeping.’’

Both of them laugh and before she could answer my question, I hear Aden’s groan from outside and it makes me smile. I am sitting facing the entrance and I, patiently, wait for it to reveal my brother. A second after, he enters the dining room and he stands still when he sees me. ''Lexa!’’ Aden doesn’t contain the happiness to see me.

I quickly get up and walk fast towards him. I feel Aden’s arms around my waist and his head resting on my chest. He is hugging me so tight that I almost feel like he is stronger than my dad. ''Hey champ.’’ I say with warmth.

''You could’ve told Lexa would come mom.’’ He says looking at her. ''I’d leave the room in a flash.’’

I laugh and look back at the table to find Costia’s smiling at our sibling moment. ''I have someone to introduce you to, Aden.’’ I look back at him and he faces the table confused and shy when he finds my girlfriend’s gaze. I walk back to my seat and my mom and my brother sit in front of me. ''This is Costia.’’ I say looking at her as she reaches out her hand, to the opposite side of the table, to greet him.

''I’m happy to finally meet you, Aden.’’ Costia says when my brother shakes her hand and nods shyly. Aden is always shy at first but then, he can be way too talkative.

My mom serves us the dinner. She made paella with sea food which is a recipe she makes that I absolutely love. She is an amazing cook and one of the things that I missed the most when I was in the army, was her food.

''It’s delicious.’’ Costia says between chews. I grin at the comfort she quickly found next to my parents. All the anxiety she felt before coming is not showing anymore. I am glad she feels welcomed and happy at my home. If people stop to think about it, bringing someone home is an act of trust and intimacy. We don’t struggle in terms of physical intimacy but intimacy is not only a physical thing. In my point of view, letting someone in your head is way more intimate, important and, for many people, harder.

''I love the dinners Indra makes, but the breakfasts are the best.’’ My dad closes his eyes and fakes a sound as if he was tasting the most incredible food in the world and everyone laughs lightly. He is right though, my mom’s breakfasts are the best ones. She used to say it was a great incentive to wake up me and Aden early during weekends when we were younger. ''So Costia, what do you do?’’ He asks softly.

''I am a financial advisor.’’ She says proudly. Costia is really good at what she does. She is young but already has a great career. I never heard about a client that wasn’t satisfied with her work and I am glad that she is successful. ''It’s a good career to pursue when you find yourself living in a city like New York.’’ My girlfriend adds. Her voice is calm and secure. I know she feels comfortable talking about her job.

Me and Aden didn’t say much for the whole dinner. We shared smirks and funny gestures with each other frequently. I have never been the most talkative person in the world but I can say I am even less now, especially when I find myself in places that I don’t feel comfortable in. Not that I feel uncomfortable at home but, I usually take my time to process the events happening around me. I am afraid of having a bad reaction if something gets too stressful or overwhelming. They didn’t push me to talk too much during the dinner because they know how my mind works already. It’s better if they give me time and don’t pressure too much. It was good that Costia, easily, always found subjects to talk about and I didn’t have to intervene to avoid the awkward silence. She is easy going, very social and friendly and I really like that about her.

''Do you feel good, babe?’’ Costia asks almost whispering and grabs my hand that was resting on top of the table.

I nod with a reassuring smile and lean to give her a kiss on her cheek. I hear Aden giggle from across the table. ''What’s funny, Adi?’’ I tease him with a nickname he hates. I see his expression changing to an annoyed one and I laugh. ''Not so funny anymore huh?’’ I smirk and he fakes a death glare.

''Do you want to hear a funny story about Lexa?’’ My dad asks looking in Costia’s direction with a very entertained expression.

''Of course!’’ She says thrilled.

''What about permission?’’ I raise my eyebrow to express my disapproval although I don’t really mind that he shares a story of me to my girlfriend.

''No need for permission.’’ He gives me a dorky and defying look. ''When Lexa was a kid she wanted to be adventurous like Indiana Jones.’’ My dad begins his story and I know what’s about to come. My mom chuckling because she heard about this so many times too.

Costia is wearing a toothy smile clearly happy to hear about this story. ''I can totally imagine that.’’ She looks at me and winks.

My dad laughs lightly before continuing. ''On a rainy day, Lexa decided we should go to the park to play frisbee and, obviously, we would do it because she was a very demanding kid.’’ I roll my eyes with enjoyment. It is true, I was a very demanding kid that’s probably why it wasn’t so surprising for my parents when I told them I became the Commander of my Unit. ''She threw the frisbee a bit further from where I was standing and I went to pick it up. When I returned to the spot we were playing, she wasn’t there anymore. I called for her three times and she didn’t asnwer. When I called her name for the fourth time she revealed herself on top of a three. Lexa looked at me so proud and she raised her arms screaming _''Dad I did it.’’_ I see my dad trying to recreate my scene and I laugh. ''I told her to come down from that three before she got hurt and she did. But before she arrived the floor, one of her feet slipped and she fell in a puddle of mud. When I went to check up on her, she was all dirty, even her hair had some mud in it but the best part, was when she looked at me with her face covered with mud and when she smiled reassuring me she was fine and her front teeth were dirty too. I started laughing and Lexa got really annoyed and cried because I couldn’t stop laughing. I even took a picture of that scene and it seems like she was toothless.’’ I can hear everyone’s guffaws. I try to fake an annoyed expression but it’s impossible. Now looking back at what happened, it was funny. It’s even funnier if someone sees the picture after knowing about the story.

We chat a little more, mostly is my mom and dad telling Costia some stories about me when I was younger. Everything has been going good so far, my parents seem to like Costia and Costia seems to like my parents. They got comfortable with each others’ presence quickly. Every now and then, I feel my girlfriend taking my hand or even resting her hand on my leg. I notice that she is trying to understand if I am comfortable with everything they are sharing or if it’s getting too stressful for me. I appreciate her gesture, she is so attentive that it blows my mind sometimes.

After some more minutes talking I decide that is time for us to rest. ''I think I am feeling really tired and I could use some sleep.’’ I say calmly and yawn right after.

''You both can go upstairs to Lexa’s room.’’ My mom says smiling at both of us. ''I prepared the bed for you.’’

''Thank you mom.’’ I stand up and wait for Costia to do the same.

''Thank you for the hospitality…’’ My girlfriend says while standing up too. ''Everything was absolutely amazing.’’

I guide Costia to my room upstairs after we say goodbye to my family that are still in the dining room. As much as it was feeling so good, I needed to rest. I won’t lie, I have been dreaming about laying on my bed for so long. The apartment I share with Costia is great, our room and our bed is amazing but there are always some things you can’t forget. I could have never forgotten the comfort of my first bed after leaving the orphanage. I look around my room and I feel so grateful for everything I have and my parents gave me.

Costia wraps her arms around my neck. ''Thank you for this babe.’’ She says with sincerity on her eyes. ''I am so proud of you.’’

I smile at her and lean down to glue our lips together. ''Thank you for being here for me.’’ I find her gaze again and she smiles, amiably, at me.

We change to more comfortable clothes and go to bed. We’re both tired from the flight, even though Costia slept the whole time. Airplanes are not the most comfortable places to fall asleep and even if you manage to sleep the whole flight, you’ll always find yourself tired. There’s nothing like a very comfy bed, especially this one with good smelling sheets.

I lie on my left side and rest my right arm on Costia’s waist. ''Goodnight.’’ I whisper.

''Goodnight babe.’’ She whispers back with a sleepy voice.

I take some time to fall asleep like usual. I can always hear Costia breathing, peacefully, completely lost in her sleep. There are nights I take more time to fall asleep and sometimes, there are ones I can’t fall asleep at all. But tonight is not really one of those kinds, I feel emotionally tired and my head is begging for some good rest. Not longer than five minutes after, I am already asleep too.

***

_Here I am, standing in front of my parents’ house, after spending almost spending two years barely seeing them. My family visited me a couple of times in Georgia since I have my military training in Fort Benning. This is my first time visiting them after leaving town, I decided not to say anything in case I decided to give up on this idea. One day or another, I would end up coming here again because they live here. At first, I decided to stay for the weekend but getting all these vibes and some memories flashing back on my mind again, I don’t even know if I can stay for a day straight. Now, I am here standing on my home’s porch ready to knock the door. Two years ago, I would simply unlock it and come in but right now, it feels weird doing it._

_The door opens some seconds after I knock to reveal the tall figure of my dad. ''Hey kiddo.’’ He doesn’t contain the surprise on his voice. He hugs me right after and it gives me mixed feelings. It’s comforting but at the same time, it’s painful too. It only reminds me what I have been missing since I decided to join the army. We talk every day but it’s not the same thing. It could never be. I wasn’t living with them on my first year of college and it didn’t feel like this. When I went to college, I was planning my future and then I would return home. When I went to the army, I was trying to escape the emptiness I felt inside me every time I inhaled the air of this town. ''I am so happy that you’re here. Mom and Aden are inside in the kitchen. Come on in.’’ I follow my dad inside._

_I fight the sudden urge I feel to cry every step I take inside my home. All the beautiful and funny stories we shared inside these walls. I almost lose control when I walk inside the kitchen and I spot Aden on top of a bench to help my mom preparing a cake. They were sharing giggles and my brother’s clothes were filled with flour._

_''Look who’s here.’’ My dad calls for my Aden’s and my mom’s attention._

_They look to our direction and my mom’s eyes described surprise, affection and so much happiness. Happier than I found her some moments ago._

_''Lexa!’’ She embraces me on a hug and I look at Aden that is standing behind our mom. When he finds my gaze, my brother gives me a very sad and angry look and runs out of the kitchen. ''Aden where are you going?’’ My mom steps back and looks at the kitchen entrance._

_''It’s okay mom…’’ I tell her and I can’t hide the sadness in my voice. I know my brother is revolted with my absence. We’ve always been so close, playing video games every night, going on walks at the park, playing sports together and now, I ran away because my heart breaks a little more every second I am in town. I knew Aden would probably not have the reaction I wanted from him, my parents literally had to make him talk on the phone with me because he didn’t want to, but I still hoped that he’d be so happy to see me at home again that he would forget about all this. ''I know Aden is hurt and he is right to be.’’_

_''Your brother just misses having you home…’’ My mom says with a deep but soft tone. ''In fact we miss having you home.’’ I watch my dad placing a kiss on top of my mom’s head and rest his arm on top of her shoulder._

_''I know that.’’ I say and face the floor avoiding the two pair of eyes looking at me._

_''You could come more.’’ She carefully says probably afraid of my reaction to her statement._

_I stay silent for a while not knowing what to say. I hate that my life got so complicated and it affected my relationship with my family. I didn’t mean this to happen. I want to be in their lives as much but it overwhelms me being in town again._

_''How’s the army, kiddo?’’ I hear my dad asking to break the uncomfortable silence that I created around us._

_''It’s alright.’’ I answer and lift my head up to look at them. ''We are training now as an elite Unit to do some missions overseas…’’ I inform them carefully. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell them I was going to start making some dangerous missions overseas but they have the right to know. It would be so selfish of me if I kept that for myself._

_My mom, suddenly, looks sad and concerned. ''You know how dangerous that is for you Lexa. How will I handle those days where I don’t get any news from you?’’ She says with teary eyes._

_''Indra, they are training to be the best…’’ My dad tries to calm her down. ''I am sure Lexa will be fine and will always return home to us.’’_

_My father is the rock in this house, he is the one that always tries to calm down when someone is feeling stressful or too sad. I know he feels the exact same way, but he stays strong to help someone getting through it. He always puts everyone else first, that’s how much of a good person he is._

_''I have the best men with me, mom.’’ I use a calm tone to help her relax a little more. I don’t want to worry her too much, mostly because I don’t know what is going to happen next._

_My mom lets out a heavy breath. ''Don’t you feel alone there?’’_

_I shake my head. It’s not completely true, I do feel alone sometimes. ''I made a really good friend, Lincoln.’’ I say and I give her a half smile. ''We met during our training to get in the army and, actually, we ended up learning we came from the same town.’’_

_''Seriously?’’ My mom looks a little more relaxed to know this._

_''Yes. He is part of my Unit.’’ I tell them. ''Everything is going to be fine, I will always call you and give you news.’’_

_For the next couple of minutes, my mom mostly charges me with questions about how these missions overseas work. I try to hide some details that will get her too stressed again because I would hate to leave her more worried than she already is. What I really want now, is to talk to my brother._

_''I am going to check up on Aden.’’ I tell them before leaving the kitchen and going upstairs._

_His room door is closed. It’s not really usual because he always leaves his door ajar. I could easily open it and enter, but I decide to respect his privacy and I knock instead._

_''If this is Lexa, go away.’’ He yells from inside the room. His voice sounds hurt and revolted. It gives me anxiety but I need to have this conversation with him._

_I think a little bit more about what to do and after some moments, I decide to enter without his permission._

_''I told you to go away.’’ He doesn’t look at me. He is playing with some cars on the floor._

_I sigh. How is it that talking to offended kids is way harder than to talk with offended adults? ''Aden, I am sorry for being away for too long.’’ I finally say while assuming a squatting position in front of him._

_''Why are you sorry if you keep doing it?’’ His question catches me off guard. I almost forgot how intelligent this kid can be. Aden can almost argue with you like an adult._

_''It’s hard for me to come back even if I want to so much.’’ I tell him and he finally looks at me. Aden has such sadness stamped on his face that makes my heart tremble._

_''Why is it hard for you to come back?’’ He asks with a low voice, returning to face his toys again._

_I don’t really know how to answer that or to explain to a kid that my heart is broken and being here just makes everything worse. ''It’s just…’’ I pause not knowing how to continue. ''Things you wouldn’t understand now.’’_

_''Are you angry with your girlfriend?’’ The question sends shivers down my spine. I know it was an innocent question but I wasn’t expecting it at all._

_I take a couple of seconds to compose an answer and I finally sit on the floor with him. ''I don’t have a girlfriend anymore Aden, that is probably why it’s hard for me to come back buddy.’’_

_''She was here once.’’ He says while rolling his car back and forth._

_I don’t know how to react to what my brother said. I just freeze thinking about his words. I don’t know if I want to find out what he is talking about but I am curious. Suddenly, I start to feel like I am about to get lost in my thoughts that I closed two years ago. I close my eyes with all the strenght I have trying not to focus on that. I don’t want to think about it, not anymore._

_''Lexa?’’ My brother calls for my attention with a low voice clearly concerned about my silence and my reaction._

_I open my eyes again and try to fake a relaxed smile. ''I am here champ.’’ I do my best effort to stay calm and sound chill._

_''Do you still care about Clar…_

_***_

I wake up quickly and sit on my bed. Being home always triggers these kind of dreams. My brain starts processing everything around and it reaches my memories. This is not fair for a weak human being that is simply trying to live her life the best way she can. I will never say I deserve the best the world can offer, but at least I should be able to bury some stuff from the past to find peace.

I grab my phone to check the time and it’s 4:18 a.m. It’s not a new for me to wake up by this time after having bad dreams, but dreams like these are the worse. It leaves me anxious and melancholic. I start questioning myself if I should call Lincoln and ask if he wants to go for a run. I do feel bad because he is probably asleep, but I really want the comfort his company brings me.

I leave my bed slowly and, without making any noise, I leave my room to call my bestfriend.

_''Let me guess…’’_ He says with a sleepy voice after picking at the fourth beep. _''You want to go for a run with your amazing bestfriend?’’_ Lincoln jokes. He knows me way too well already and I appreciate the fact he is not bothered that I woke him up at 4 in the morning.

I chuckle. ''Yeah, I am sorry. You don’t have to.’’ I say feeling guilty that I perturbed his sleep.

_''I will meet you outside the Nopar Park in a few.’’_ I can hear him getting up from his bed from the other side of the line.

''Thank you.’’ I say before hanging up.

I go back to my room to change into one of my tracksuits I always use to run. I decide to go with my full black Adidas one. I try to be as silent as possible so I don’t get Costia awake. It’s not a big problem since she has a heavy sleep, but I still like to be quiet.

After changing into my black tracksuit, I leave home and start running in the Nopar Park’s direction. We have some parks around town, but this one is the best for a meeting point because it’s located in the middle of Polis. Lots of people go there every day, to play, to walk, to run, to read or to walk their dogs. It is one of my favourite places here. I used to go there a lot when I was still living here. Me, dad and Aden played a lot there. It was actually where I fell from the tree and got covered with mug.

While I am running, I am watching everything around me, the houses, the parked cars…Every detail. This is so different from New York, more calm and quiet. I would be lying if I said I enjoy New York’s vibes better than Polis’, this environment here is way more my style. I missed going out at night and run in a peaceful place and breath fresh air. It’s one of my best and efficient therapies.

I run for five minutes more when I realize I can already see the park’s entrance. There’s still no sign of Lincoln but I am sure he will be there in a minute. I run faster and I am finally next in our meeting point.

Not long after, I catch Lincoln’s running in my direction. He is wearing black basketball shorts and a black jacket. I smile warmly at the sight of my bestfriend.

''Only me to do these things for you.’’ He says entertained as he moves closer to me.

I grin. ''I won’t say no to that.’’

''I was expecting this call to be honest.’’ I hear Lincoln’s teasing tone and I raise my eyebrow. ''What? You’ll get clearly overwhelmed by coming back town and who else better to cheer you up than me?’’

''You have no shame.’’ We both laugh.

We start running around the park from outside because it’s still closed. It would sound weird if I told someone me and Lincoln meet at crazy hours to go running because we feel stressed about something. This turned to be a habit in our friendship. Sometimes, we don’t even talk about whatever that made us feel bad, we just stay silent and appreciate the comfort from each other.

The night is beautiful and calm. There’s no wind or it isn’t too cold, it’s just perfect. Me and Lincoln already done the full lap and we’re back at where we started. It didn’t take us long.

''Want to go for another lap?’’ I ask him.

''Actually…’’ He takes a seat on the bench next to the park’s gate. ''Let’s sit for a little bit.’’

''Don’t tell me you’re already tired, we barely ran.’’ I tease him and he chuckles.

''No, I just thought we could talk for a little bit.’’ He says slowly and carefully.

I take a seat on his left and we’re both facing the street. ''What did you do yesterday?’’ I ask him to break the silence.

''I grabbed dinner with Octavia and then we watched a movie at home.’’ He answers as he leans backwards to rest his body on the bench’s back.

''Watched a movie huh?’’ I joke using a playful tone and he laughs.

We fall into comfortable silence again. I am not sure why since he told we should talk for a little bit, but I don’t question him.

''Actually…’’ I hear is voice suddenly. ''There’s something I want to tell you but I am not sure how.’’ Lincoln sounds confused and a bit nervous and it makes me anxious about what he is going to tell me next. When he uses this kind of tone, something is up and it’s not good.

I turn my body a little bit to face him and he leans forward without looking at me. ''What’s up Linc?’’ I ask him a bit scared and curious.

I hear him letting out a very heavy breath. ''I really don’t want to stress you out but I have to tell you this.’’

''Go on.’’ I simply say.

''So…’’ He pauses and I realize he might be afraid of his next words. A few seconds after, he looks at me ''I met Clarke.’’

I look away from him and I look at nowhere. My mind feels like a rollercoaster out of control. Honestly, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this at all. The moment he told me his girlfriend’s name, I immediatly thought it could be Octavia I was once friends with. But I wasn’t expecting to hear _her_ name. I could have never expected because I always stopped myself from thinking of it. The first reaction I get is freezing. I freeze because I wasn’t mentally prepared for this, I don’t think I could’ve ever been.

''Lexa, I am sorry for telling you this.’’ Lincoln sounds concerned and regretful. ''This thing with Octavia is getting serious and you’re my bestfriend…I thought I should tell you before something unexpected happens and it catches you off guard.’’

I nod and face the floor. ''I know.’’

''Do you want to talk about it?’’ My bestfriend asks and I am not sure if I do or if I don’t. I feel good and comfortable sharing everything with him, but this is a heavy thing to talk about.

''Not really.’’ I decide to leave it like this. I don’t want to mess with my emotions anymore today. Especially, talking about this specific topic.

''You’re my bestfriend you know…’’ Lincoln rests his elbows on his knees and looks at me while I’m still facing the floor. ''This still haunts you.’’

I lift my head up to give him a warning look so he doesn’t go further. ''I don’t want to talk about this Linc.’’

''I am sorry, I know.’’ He says calmly and respectfully.

We fall into silence again but this time, I don’t feel all the comfort I was feeling before. Everything turned heavier, even the air I am breathing. I never imagined that I would live a moment like this one day. How can a broken heart have so much impact in your life? How much time does it take to recover from it? I wish I could simply talk about this and be okay with it, but it’s hard. Maybe I got so used to keep this part for myself, that I can’t manage to share it with anyone now. Maybe if I started talking about these emotions eight years ago, it wouldn’t be so hard now. I am wondering, with thousands of soldiers where I was training, I met Lincoln that was from the same town as me, he became my bestfriend and now he is dating my ex’s bestfriend. I told Lincoln about my past relationship in our first mission in Afghanistan when we went for a walk at night and he asked me why I joined the army. I could’ve easily go to another city and start college there, but this seemed the right direction for me. I can’t really explain why. I gave him the most honest answer that I never gave anyone else, I followed a different direction because my heart couldn’t handle such dispair and pain. I never really talked about the relationship itself, or even mentioned her name to him…Wait, so how did he know she was the ex I once told him about?

''Lincoln…’’ I break the silence with curiosity in my voice. ''How did you know it was her?’’

I look at him and he scratches his head, clearly not knowing how to answer my question. ''Hum, when we were in Kosovo, I sent her the pictures with took there from that day we danced with the children.’’

''So your girlfriend basically told you that one girl in your Unit was her bestfriend’s ex?’’ I ask not satisfied with the answer he gave me. He didn’t really answer what I asked and I don’t understand why I am so curious.

''No.’’ He shakes his head slowly and looks down. ''When I came back, I went to their place and they started asking me about you…’’ I get really surprised about the things Lincoln is revealing to me. I get a weird sensation on my stomach that I can’t put into words what it is. I also notice that he said he went to their place, which probably means they are housemates? I bet Raven lives with them too. ''And hum…’’ Lincoln pauses and he seems to doubt what his next words are. ''She kinda fell apart and they ended up telling me you once were in a relationship.’’

At this point, I have no idea what to say. I am absolutely lost with what he just revealed to me. I know I shouldn’t have asked anything, I didn’t want to hear about this. It’s too much for my head. All this time, avoiding the thoughts about her seems in vain now. I am so exhausted of being haunted by this, so exhausted of my life being controlled and consumed by this. I feel like my head will explode anytime.

I get up and Lincoln does the same. ''I am going home now.’’ I give him a quick hug and I run away in my house’s direction before he could say anything.


	7. Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Raven go for a walk at the park and they find someone unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry I have been late. I didn't mean to spend all this days without updating my story and I am sorry. Life has just been a little busy lately but I will always do my best efforts to deliver the next chapters as soon as I can. Even more because some Clexa might be finally coming up eheh

**Chapter VII – Clarke’s P.O.V**

Today’s work has been merciful to me. I checked up on six patients and none of them had any serious health problem fortunately. I will be doing mostly day shifts this week and I thank God for it. The only night shift I have is in three days, on Friday.

I grab my phone to check a message I received early morning from Finn. We haven’t been talking too much, after the rollercoaster ride of emotions I had in the past few days, I can feel myself closing up again for the idea of a new future. I feel like I owe him an effort at least since it was me deciding we should try to move forward. It’s not healthy to force yourself doing things you don’t want to do, but how can I tell him that I changed my mind now?

_''Hey Clarke. How are you doing? I know we haven’t been talking much and you’re probably busy but I was wondering if we could grab a coffee any time?’’_

I sigh staring at this message. I feel guilty for being so distant with him after our conversation over dinner the other night. Instead of sending him a text, I decide to call him. Finn picks up almost instantly.

_''Hello, Clarke. Did you get my message?’’_ I hear the excited voice of Finn from the other side of the line.

''Finn, yes I did. I finish my shift in a couple of minutes if you’re down.’’ I propose.

_''Hmm…I still have work to finish, I will only be done around dinner.’’_ He answers and I feel somewhat relieved with his answer.

''I am having dinner with my friends but I’ll text you later.’’ I lie to him. I don’t have any dinner scheduled with my friends, and it’s completely stupid for me to be lying when days ago I agreed to give both of us a chance and try to get into a relationship.

_''Oh…’’_ Finn doesn’t hide the confusion and annoyance in his voice.

''I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.’’ I don’t know what else to tell him.

I hear him releasing a deep breath. _''It’s fine Clarke. Bye.’’_

Finn hung up before I could say anything else. In all this time we’ve known each other, I never witnessed his annoyed side. I mean, not with me but I can’t say I should be surprised, I’ve been doing the exact opposite of what we discussed. It’s true I didn’t promise him to be totally focused on us, but what I am doing is not right. I am not taking things slowly, I am not taking things at all.

I am finally done with work today but for once, I don’t feel like going home. I remember Raven told me she was off today so I decide to call her to ask if she wants to hang out.

_''Hey Griffin, what’s up?’’_ The voice of my bestfriend brings me to a better mood.

''I am done with work for today, do you want to grab a coffee?’’ I ask her while searching for my car key when I enter the parking lot.

_''I was actually heading out to have a walk at the park. Want to join me?’’_ She gives me another option.

''Sounds good to me. I am going home to change my clothes and I will meet you there?’’ I enter my car after finding my key and I place my bag on the passenger seat.

' _'I could wait for you, but I am doing a run to the park and I know you’re allergic to jogging.’’_ My bestfriend and I both laugh at the teasing but truthful sentence.

''Ha-ha, you’re becoming funnier each day.’’ I roll my eyes when she laughs again. ''I’ll meet you there.’’

I start my car engine after my phone talk with my bestfriend and I head home. The day is perfect for a walk at the park actually, we’re entering June so it means the days are becoming hotter. The summer time in Polis is fantastic, especially when it’s the best time to gather with my friends. I smile at the thought of them, I can’t wait for our beginning of the summer party.

I arrive home not longer than fifteen minutes after. There is never too much traffic in my city and we have easy access to pretty much everything. Our apartment is really close to the park me and my friends are used to go to, the only thing separating is a calm and beautiful neighbourhood.

After changing into my black and white Nike leggings and a black tank top, I put on my comfortable shoes and I leave home. I could take my car and park it outside the park, but I decide to walk instead. It’s been a while since I’ve moved my body whether for jogging or for a simple walk. I almost forgot how it feels to have your body exposed to the sun and the cool and fresh air. I should start doing this more often.

I am walking for three minutes already when I enter the neighbourhood next to the park. I calculate that I will reach my destination in a maximum of five minutes. While I am walking, I appreciate the houses around me, every each one of them has a beautiful and clean garden. I can spot some people outside their homes taking care of their trees or some children together playing. It feels great to walk around a place full of live and peacefulness.

I spot the park’s entrance after around five minutes of walking and I grab my phone to text Raven.

_''I’m at the entrace. Where are you?’’_

I type and I press send as I walk inside the park.

I can hear the birds singing, the kids playing and so many sounds of joy and happiness. I close my eyes and I focus on my breathing. The air is soft and pure, I can feel my lungs screaming in bliss. I spend some moments in the same position until my phone vibrates on my hand with a new incoming text from Raven.

_''I am next to the fountain.’’_

I know by heart where it is, we used to go there a lot especially to walk Octavia’s dog that passed away two years ago. He was such a sweet and caring dog, his name was Luke. Unfortunately, he got a very bad disease in his intestines and ended up dying. I remember Octavia needed a week to start feeling better, it was really hard for her to lose her companion.

I am walking in the fountain’s direction and I spot Raven stretching. She is wearing a black top, woodland camo leggings and black shoes. I chuckle internally when I also realize two guys staring at my bestfriend. It’s not something new, Raven has a fit and nice body and she can pretty much get whoever she wants. She is used to having this kind of attention, even from women.

I can’t hide my amusement face as I step closer to her and she frowns. ''What?’’

I laugh slightly. ''I noticed two guys very interested in your stretching.’’ I tell her and I move my head indicating where they are standing.

Raven looks in the same direction as me to find the two guys who were staring at her. She faces me again and rolls her eyes. ''They can dream.’’

I giggle at her reaction. ''Where is O?’’ I change the subject.

''She’s with Linc. I think she is spending the day with him.’’ She answers and we both start walking around the park.

''She seems so happy with him…’’ I smile imagining both of them together. I always wished for Octavia to find a great guy since she pretty much had jerks all her life. ''I like him a lot.’’

''Me too. Finally our bestfriend gets a good guy.’’ She puts my thoughts into words.

''I can’t wait to see who’s going to steal your heart.’’ I tease my bestfriend and add a smirk.

Raven shakes her hand and rolls her eyes. ''Thank you for being so concerned about my love life…’’ She rests her right arm around my neck. ''I am actually far more interested in your relationship with Finn.’’

I sigh. ''There’s absolutely no relationship, and to be honest with myself for once, I don’t think there will ever be.’’ It felt good to speak my mind without guilt or fear. It is how I feel and I am done fooling myself with fake hopes.

She takes her arm off of me and we keep walking in silence for a while before my bestfriend speaks. ''I imagined that what Lincoln told us gave you hope to find her again.’’

''I didn’t go to her parents’ house yet because of my lack of courage and plus it would probably be too weird.’’ After Lincoln told me Lexa would probably come home, I thought about finding her. But then, what was I going to say after not speaking for eight years? It’s funny to think this way because my mind is filled with things that I hope I have the opportunity to tell her about one day.

''Yes, it would indeed be too weird.’’ Raven agrees. ''But Clarke, if you feel like finding her, do it.’’

The advice of my bestfriend gets me surprised. Raven never encouraged me to find or wait for Lexa, mostly because she knew how badly I hurt her and after all this time, we’d most likely not speak to each other ever. I can’t help but feeling now that, somehow, life is giving me a second chance and make things right. A week ago, I had absolutely no idea about Lexa’s life and all of a sudden, I discover my bestfriend’s boyfriend is a great friend of hers and they happen to be in the army together.

''She probably wouldn’t even want to hear me…’’ I say sadly. ''It’s been eight years, she might as well have someone and is happy now.’’ I try to swallow my own words, but it’s an almost impossible task.

''That’s possible.’’ My bestfriend agrees with me. ''But look at you, you can’t move on, not until you get your closure at least. You’ve been waiting, consciously or not, for the time you see Lexa again.’’ She sighs and we stop to face each other. ''I know how you still feel for her, I’ve witnessed the story between you two…’’

I face the floor processing the words of my bestfriend. I can feel her brown eyes staring at me waiting for a response, little does she know I am searching for an answer, but none comes to my head. What Raven is saying is true, she’s been there since the beginning of my story with Lexa and after we broke, she told me several times to contact her, but I thought Lexa just needed some time for herself and she’d eventually come back. Never crossed my mind that we’d never talk anymore. I realized that she was truly gone when I went to her house and talked to her mom. I keep in my memory that day when Indra, sadly, told me Lexa left the city. It felt like a sword was slicing through my heart when I heard that, I couldn’t manage to ask for Lexa’s contact, I just left their porch so Indra wouldn’t see me breaking down in front of her.

I hear my bestfriend expelling a deep breath. ''What I am trying to say Clarke is, you both loved each other deeply, I hoped that with time everything would get better for your side, but all these years passed and you’re still in the same circle.’’ I look at her and she gives me a sympathetic smile. ''You’re trying but you’re still not ready to try and I got that message when you started crying in front of Lincoln.’’

I remember that situation at home for a second and I get slightly embarrassed thinking about it. The truth is, when I started hearing all that about Lexa, I couldn’t contain myself. Every tear, every emotion I was holding for so many time, broke free.

''I don’t even know what to think anymore…’’ I say as we resume our walk. ''I found so many things about Lexa and knowing she might be in town gave me hope. I destroyed our relationship but I suffered already so much, I still do.’’ I pause to focus on my breathing. Even if my voice is coming out sad and insecure, I am still determined to talk to my bestfriend about this. I have to. ''What if I findd out she’s now happy and moving on with someone else Ray? Actually, it would make totally sense, there’s more chance that she is dating than she is single…’’

I see Raven lower her head with a sad facial expression from the corner of my eye. I understand her reaction to what I said, she is afraid of me getting more hurt than I already am and if I am being honest, so am I.

''You can talk to Lincoln first before searching for Lexa.’’ She gives me an option with a calm voice and it sounded good. ''He surely knows a lot about her life now.’’

I nod in agreement. ''I think that might be a good idea.’’

We walk for a little more before deciding to leave the park. I make a mentally note to come to the park more often. It’s a wonderful place that recharges your energies and I don’t feel like wasting a sunny day at home anymore.

''My brother is coming to town for some days.’’ Raven breaks the silence when we spot the park’s gate nearby . ''I have to find a place for him to stay now.’’

I look at Raven surprised and I realize this situation made her tense. ''He can stay in our apartment Ray, you know me and O wouldn’t have a problem with that.’’

''Matias is complicated Clarke…’’ She stops and places both her hands on her hips. Raven faces her feet and closes her eyes before speaking again. ''God knows how bad I would feel if he put any of you in trouble.’’

I walk closer to her and rest my hand on her shoulder. ''It’s fine Ray, we’re here to support you.’’ She lifts her head to face me and I smile softly. ''And it would be easier to keep an eye on him if he’s closer.’’

''True.’’ Raven finally agrees. ''But let’s talk to O before deciding anything.’’

''Did he decide to come himself?’’ I question doubtful that the answer is going to turn out to be a yes. What I know about Raven’s brother, I don’t think he would decide to come here by himself.

Raven shakes her head. ''My dad forced him to leave the neighbourhood for some time.’’

''Maybe it will do him good.’’ I try to keep a positive mind about it.

''I don’t think so.’’ She says with sadness and I can see it in her eyes that her heart aches for Matias. ''I don’t believe my brother can change, not anymore.’’

''Hey Raven, don’t lose faith in him.’’ I say and she gives me a sad smile almost like she wants to believe but she can’t. ''I do have hope that one day he will change.’’

''Well, that makes one of us.’’ She simply responds.

I was about to tell her something to try to comfort her mood a little more when I see she moved her gaze to something behind me and raised an eyebrow. I quickly turn around and I find a blonde boy who is wearing a baseball cap and with a baseball on his left hand walking in our direction. My heart skips a beat when I realize it’s Lexa’s brother. I haven’t seen him in a long time, he’s taller than what I remember but the face remains the same.

''Hello Clarke!’’ Aden greets me with an excited voice when he stops right in front of my freezing body. 

I feel Raven pinching me from behind because I spent too much time staring at the blonde boy without saying a word. ''Hello Aden, how are you?’’ I hear my bestfriend’s voice behind me making time for me to compose myself.

''I’m good.’’ He shares a full smile with Raven. I notice how different children smile, such freedom and with no worries.

''Hello Aden, it’s nice to see you.’’ I finally find my voice and smile at him.

''Did you came to play baseball buddy?’’ Raven asks and walks closer to him. The last time I saw Aden, he was barely half of my height and now his head almost reaches my shoulders.

''Yeah.’’ He lifts his left hand to show his baseball and smiles excited. ''I came to play with my sister.’’

This was probably the last thing I expected to happen on my way out of the park, but I find myself looking slightly left and right with hope to find her. My heart is beating fast, this is the first time in eight years that I feel close to Lexa.

''Where is she?’’ I ask lowly, returning my gaze to Aden.

''Hum…’’ He looks at me confused and rubs the back of his head. ''Behind you.’’

With no hesitation, I turn my body around and I immediately find her. There is no explanation for the feelings running through my body at this moment. My eyes focus on the gorgeous woman walking towards our direction. She is wearing black jeans, a white Dodgers baseball jersey and black vans. I appreciate the fact she is holding her blue baseball cap on her hand instead of wearing it, because this way I can notice the changes on her hair which is straight now. Lexa stops walking when she realizes my presence. After eight years, our eyes finally met and created a magnetic field around us. It’s like, the ocean finally met the earth. I never forgot the power her intense eyes had over me, the only difference is that now I am experiencing it instead of imagining.

Here we are with our freezing bodies making eye contact with each other without daring to speak a word. Lexa walks closer to close the distance between her and the three of us and I see her breaking our eye contact to look at Raven that is perplexed by my left side.

''Wow, Lexa?’’ Raven breaks the silence and does not disguise the both confusion and surprise she is feeling for seeing Lexa again.

For both Raven and Octavia, Lexa wasn’t just my girlfriend back then, she was also their friend. Actually, they were really good friends. I wasn’t the only one sad for Lexa’s departure, they suffered for it too. As much as they were trying to remain positive because of how bad I was feeling, I know they felt the weight of her absence too.

I keep staring at Lexa and I can’t manage to understand what she could be possibly be thinking. That’s when I realize how much she perhaps changed…When we both were together, I could decifer every mood, every thought just by looking at her but now I don’t know what I know anymore.

Lexa gives my bestfriend a small head greeting nod. ''Raven.’’

It feels like my body was electrocuted when I heard her voice again. The sweet voice that once held promises about a future together, that described me all the love she felt for me and also the voice that trembled and begged me to stay.

The next moment, I see Raven wrapping her arms around Lexa’s neck and I notice how tense her body gets at my bestfriend’s gesture.

Raven finally pulls back from the hug and notices Lexa’s body reaction. ''I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen you in so long.’’

Lexa doesn’t say anything, she simply gives Raven a small smile before directing her attention towards me again. I melt under her green eyes. I feel my emotions betraying me and filling my body with more hopes and happiness and I am not strong enough to block it.

''Are we going to play more Lexa?’’ Aden’s voice comes up and once again, Lexa breaks our mutual gaze to focus on his brother that is patiently waiting to return to their game.

Lexa nods and takes his baseball out of his hands. Before I could risk losing the sight of her again, I gain courage to speak.

''Can we talk?’’ My voice comes out shaking and described a hidden fear of rejection.

She doesn’t look at me, instead she is facing the floor maybe processing the answer to my question. My eyes fall from Lexa’s face to her arms and it’s the first time I notice some scars caused by a sharp object. I feel this wave of curiosity and also sadness at the thought of every bad scenario Lexa has crossed in her life after we broke up.

Lexa lifts her head and I take my eyes off of her scars to meet her eyes once more. I wait patiently for a reply, but it doesn’t seem like I will receive any.

''What about we both go play for a little while and then you can come back to your sister again?’’ Raven proposes to Aden and he smiles in agreement. I watch both of them walking away leaving me and Lexa alone.

I face Lexa again who is watching Raven and Aden play in some distance from us. I can’t help but admire the pure beauty of this woman once again. Her jawline, her lips, her eyes, everything about her is perfection. I wonder how I managed to keep going without her by my side, and the answer resumes to this moment. I always hoped to find her one day and I did.

''I didn’t expect to see you at all.’’ I break the silence and feel surprised with my ability to speak when I feel way too nervous to be next to her.

I hear Lexa softly sigh but she doesn’t say anything. I decide to respect her silence and give her time to communicate whenever she wishes. I won’t deny that I am eager to hear her voice but I try to be patient, which is not my forte, so I don’t scare her away.

The silence between us starts getting longer than I previously expected. I start to believe that she doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her and this thought, makes my heart break a little more, something I thought wasn’t possible. But then, she could’ve said she didn’t want to talk and stop Raven from going to play with her brother.

Lexa is standing beside me, some inches away, but close enough for me to notice her familiar scent. I wish I could just hug her like Raven did earlier, make all the pain of eight years go away and feel her arms giving me security. I notice some changes physically, like her hair and she has a more athletic body than before. Even though she hasn’t talked at all, I notice difference in her personality as well. I can feel her more distant and colder. Maybe what she has been through made her this way but that would only be my fault. When I look at Lexa now, it almost seems like she is somehow…Haunted.

''I can’t be here.’’ Lexa’s low voice kicks out my thoughts.

I look at her and see that she is still aiming towards her brother and my bestfriend’s direction.

''I’m sorry I just…’’ I pause when se finally looks at me and I find her eyes penetrating my soul. I could never look at someone the same way I look at Lexa, this is the moment I confirm this truth. ''I have so much I want to tell you, Lexa.’’

She moves her eyes to the ground and shakes her head slowly. ''You can not.’’ Lexa maintains a low and soft tone to her voice.

''I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, the way I disappointed you…’’ I ignore her earlier response and I fight the tears that start to threaten my eyes. ''All these years I replayed the moment I left you over and over again and I could never forgive myself for that. I could never find my peace after that.’’

I finish speaking and I can’t care how desperate I might sound, even more when we haven’t seen each other for years, I can’t help it and neither can I lose this opportunity to talk with Lexa when she is right next to me.

Lexa lets out a heavy breath and looks up to the sky before returning her gaze to the scenario in front of us. ''I forgive you.’’

''What are you trying to mean by that?’’ I ask and she turns her body to face me.

She tilted her head up and placed both of her arms on her back adopting a very formal posture. This action made me very confused and scared of what might come next.

''I mean I forgive you.’’ Lexa speaks calmly still looking at me. ''I don’t want you to be hard on yourself because of what happened in the past. It’s been a long time, you deserve to move on and find your own happiness.’’

These words made my whole body shake. It seemed like the air all of a sudden became thicker and harder to breath. In my head, Lexa almost confirmed that she was or even already moved on from everything that happened. I can feel my heart bleeding inside my chest, maybe I don’t get to have a second chance at all.

''Is this what closure sounds like?’’ I find strenght to question her about the intention of her last words. I can feel two tears escaping my eyes and leaving a trail of pain on my cheeks. I can’t take my eyes off of Lexa, even as much as I wouldn’t want her to notice that I’m getting teary. ''Do you have someone?’’

Lexa clenches her jaw before giving me a slow nod in response. I look away and try to focus on everything that is not her. I find Raven looking at me confused and worried at the same time, I know my face is screaming for rescue of my own humiliation. God knows how much I am fighting hard the urge I feel to cry. If I think well, it’s not surprising that she moved on and found someone but having the confirmation, breaks my heart again into million pieces. The worst thing is, I was feeling every piece coming together with all the hope I felt when we exchange glares. Now, it’s gone.

I see Raven and Aden walking towards us and I, somehow, manage to look at Lexa who has her eyes still fixed on me. ''I hope you’re happy.’’ I fake a small smile and I quickly begin to walk towards to the park’s gate to leave.

I swear I can feel Lexa’s gaze on my back because it’s on fire. The moment I step out of the park, I start crying. After eight years with endless nights of heartache, Lexa gave me closure. I cried before because I lost her but I still had hope she’d come back and now that she is back, I discovered she moved on. The more I think about Lexa with someone else, the more unbearable is the pain. I know she deserves the best, but I just wish I was the person to give that to her.

''Clarke, wait up!’’ I hear Raven calling me and I turn around when I see her making a slow run towards me. She hugs me when she realizes I’ve been crying.

''She moved on… Lexa has someone now.’’ Telling this out loud made it a painful reality. I lose myself on my own tears.

''Shh.’’ Raven starts caressing my hair. ''I’m here.’’

I am sobbing and I completely lost control of myself. I should’ve expected this to happen if one day we ended up meeting each other, I feel like I lost her all over again. Every feeling from eight years ago, is coming to the surface.

''It’s over, Ray.’’


	8. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Lexa's point of view on the encounter with Clarke at the park. After this, you can expect more intensity in the story. There will be new characters introduced and way more action from now on. I can't wait to deliver more chapters to you. Also it's really late here so I am sorry if there's grammar mistakes, I read everything before publishing it but I am so sleepy I don't know if I saw right or not lol.

**Chapter VIII – Lexa’s P.O.V**

Our own mind can be our worst enemy, that’s what I tell myself whenever my mind start playing tricks on me when I don’t feel strong enough. Our minds are so powerful to the point that they can save every detail about you and use it against you in the exact right times. This is self sabotage, when you no longer believe you’re strong or good enough. I know perfectly the weakest and scariest part of me and instead of facing it, I hide it and when someone or something touches it, leaves me vulnerable. This is my problem, my inability of fighting my own demons and progress.

Returning home was a challenge, and bringing Costia with me seemed, at first, that it would be easier for me until I realized I was wrong. This whole situation proved to be harder than I thought when I found myself learning that the past is coming to test me.

After speaking with Lincoln at the park, I felt like I couldn’t delay a certain conversation with Costia anymore if I truly want us to move forward. As much as I’d like to hide this part of my story, it made me who I am today and made me have all the problems that affect my relationship now, and Costia deserves to learn about this part of myself.

I used the time that my girlfriend took to take a shower to make a decision…Not really to make a decision because the decision has been made, more like to gain courage and finally open up to her a little more.

I am sitting on the edge of the bed as I watch her leave the bathroom with a towel on her head and a robe she always wears after leaving the shower. She walks closer to me and places a soft kiss on my lips.

''Is there any plans for today?’’ She asks while reaching her suitcase to pick some clothes to get dressed.

''No.’’ I say simply and I think about how Costia might want me to show her around my hometown, my favourite places to eat or the my favourite places to be. I would like to do that with her, but right now I feel like we should talk first.

She turns her attention at me and studies my posture. ''Is there anything bothering you babe?’’

I start composing the words in my head really quickly. If I tell Costia everything is alright, she won’t believe it but she probably won’t insist either and this is something I need to let out. I’ve been way too long holding it from her and now it’s time to share it.

''There is something I want to share with you.’’ I try to adopt my secure and determined self. Every deep and hard conversation seem to become easier when I do that.

Costia sits next to me by my left and fixes her gaze on me. I try hard not to be distracted by the intense brown eyes staring at me patiently waiting to understand what is on my head since forever.

''Talk to me.’’ She says softly and I close my eyes preparing myself for the future conversation.

''There’s something about my past that I never told you, I never had the courage to…’’ I begin to speak and I do all the effort to remain calm and determinate. ''I am ready to share the reason I have a lots of problems in terms of relationship or even in my life in general. A reason that is not simply the cruel situations I crossed in the army.’’

My girlfriend is one of the most secure persons I know, there is little that can scare her or make her uncomfortable, but I swear I can feel her body shift into a bundle of nerves. ''I always knew there was something else besides the army.’’

Her observation doesn’t surprise me, Costia is not stupid, in fact she is a really smart woman. That’s one thing that impressed me about her when we start to get to know each other. I found her instantly attractive, but her personality was spot on as well. The views she has about life and love always mesmerized me, the way she talks about such complex things with so much class and maturity.

''I was once in a relationship I believed were meant to be forever. We were in high school and then college together, we were young but in love.’’ I take my time to focus and I ignore the endless curiosity coming from Costia by my side. There’s this deep silence around me, the only thing I can hear is myself breathing. It almost feels like I’m closed inside a box, nowhere to go and no space to move. ''She broke up with me…’’ I make a pause after saying these words out loud. Costia placed her hand on top of mine that is resting on my legs. ''I left our apartment that day and I decided to move away from town because I couldn’t stand the memories it gave me of her.’’

''You decided to join the army after you left Polis?’’ She asks gently and curious about my story.

I nod before speaking. ''It felt right to do that so.’’

For the first time I can feel Costia’s eyes leaving me and I watch her face the wall in front of us. I can’t decifer her mood or can tell what she is thinking about now. I remember she told me earlier she knew that was more than just some events in the army haunting me and I admire for a second how patient she can be to never bring up such conversation during the time we’ve been together. She always waited for the time I felt comfortable for the first physical contact, first deep conversation about our feelings towards each other, bringing her home to meet my parents…

''I always wondered when this time would come. The time where you share this part of you.’’ She moves her head to face me and our eyes meet. I can see that she is relieved but also, perhaps, sad. ''When I asked you the first time about your previous relationships when we were getting to know each other and you got uncomfortable…But you still managed to give me a very vague answer. I figured you didn’t want to talk about it, so I decided to let you talk when you felt ready.’’

I watch her understanding expression and I feel grateful for her personality and how much she’s been trying to help me healing. ''I’m sorry for making you wait so long.’’

''Can I make you happy?’’ She asks with a slice of insecurity in her voice, something I never experienced from her before. I frown unconsciously. ''I mean, you don’t seem over what happened Lex.’’

I break our eye contact and this time I am the one facing the wall in front of us. I know she is right, I am not over the hurting that it caused me because I carry the pain until this day, but I want to be over it and finally begin a new story.

''The problem is not you Costia, it’s me.’’ I sigh. I look at her again and she is waiting for me to continue. ''You can make me happy, I want to share all this with you but I have been holding that pain inside for so long that I let it become part of me and I don’t want to feel pain anymore.’’

Costia wraps her arms around me and I let myself enjoy the comfort of her arms. ''Thank you for all you’ve shared with me.’’

We stay in the arms of each other for a while. I feel relieved for this conversation, is like a heavyweight left my chest. I don’t think I could choose better a person to share my broken parts other than Costia. I remember the day we met in that bar, I didn’t want to go out at all but my friends insisted so much that I ended up drawn to this woman that is willing to do everything for us. Everything happens for a reason.

I go downstairs to the kitchen where I found my mom and Aden while Costia is getting dressed in my room. There is something about this family environment that calms my heart and brings live to my soul. I wish I didn’t take all this time to start healing but now it’s time to not dwell on the past and focus on the present.

''Can we have a sibling day today?’’ I hear my brother asking and the question makes me grin.

''Of course.’’ I see Aden’s eyes getting thrilled with my answer. We haven’t had a sibling day in a long time. ''Where’s dad, mom?’’

''Your dad is in the backyard.’’ She says while cleaning the dirty dishes from lunch. ''What are you both going to do today?’’ My mom asks happy that me and Aden decided to have a day together.

''I was thinking about going to a gaming store…’’ I pause and I smirk when I see how big Aden’s eyes turned. ''And buy a game for Aden if he behaves well, right champ?’’

Aden nods frenetically and I share a full smile with him. ''Can we go play baseball to the park as well?’’

Before I reply, I watch my girlfriend Costia walking inside the kitchen and we both share a smile with each other. ''Hey guys.’’ She greets my mom and my brother and places a peek on my cheek.

I look at Costia who’s standing next to me. ''Me and my brother are planning to have a sibling day today.’’ I turn my attention to my brother and I smile witnessing his excitment.

''That’s a great idea!’’ Costia says smiling. ''I can stay home and catch up with your parents. Maybe they have some more funny stories to share about you.’’ My mom seemed to like her idea. Actually, she seems to like Costia in general, but who wouldn’t?

After catching up for a while in the kitchen, me and my brother Aden grab our baseball caps and jerseys and we leave home. The days are becoming warmer, I can hear the summer knocking ready to come in and bring us sun and perfect days to be in the nature. I couldn’t choose one season to be my favourite, every each one of them has their charm and I am blessed to be walking on this earth to experience it.

We walk to our parent’s car and I start driving towards the gaming store. Aden can’t contain his happiness on the passenger seat, I can hear him trying to rap a music from Travis Scott that is streaming on the radio.

''You’re way to excited aren’t you?’’ I ask him and I watch is reaction to the question from the corner of my eye.

''You’re about to buy me a new game! Of course I am excited.’’ Aden says and I giggle. ''I’ve been waiting a game for a while, but mom and dad don’t give those types of things so easily.’’ He adds and let’s out a tip of annoyance in his voice.

Even if our parents gave us everything we needed, we were raised in a type of way that we should earn the things that we want. I never got mad like most of the kids do when their parents don’t give them something when they ask for it, I spent a part of my childhood having only what was strictly necessary and I got used by that way of living. I can’t and won’t deny that when we got adopted I started enjoying the materialistic world a little more, but it was never too much. Plus it was normal, for a kid who was used to not have much and all of sudden finding myself in a place with my own bedroom, more clothing options and more toys.

I am proud of how my parents raised us, especially Aden that is still young. Everyone knows that kids are a little complicated to raise nowadays, they get attached to material world really quickly and most parents give them whatever they want and the kids that have whatever they want, occasionally are mean to those who don’t. It happened a few times with my brother in the past, but I know that he understands now the whole purpose of our parents’ education now and one day, he will be even more thankful for it.

''What type of game is it?’’ I try to make conversation with him. I know that I can find myself lost in my thoughts really fast, but this day is supposed to be me and my brother reconnecting so I want to learn more about him.

''It’s the new Call of Duty game. The war game we used to play.’’ He says and I move my mind to the army for a second. Not just kids but many people enjoy playing war games the most, I do like them too and I played them before becoming a soldier. Those are interesting games on my perspective, but it’s nothing compared to the reality. ''How is it like in the army?’’

''It’s something that can’t be described…’’ I look at him for a tiny moment and I found his curious gaze waiting for me to develop the conversation. ''It’s intense and unique.’’ I move my eyes to the road again.

''Is it scary?’’ I hear his innocent voice and I nod slowly while half smiling. ''Those scars you have, do you got really hurt before?’’

I look at my left arm that is holding the steering wheel and I spot the scars that will never leave my body. In the past, I hated them and everything it represented, all the pain and torture but with time I started accepting it and I allowed myself to dress clothes that would make them visible. It’s part of me and my story as a proud soldier I am.

''A little bit.’’ I try to use a relaxed tone so my brother doesn’t get too worried. ''Didn’t hurt as much as when Indra tugged our ears.’’ I smile at him and Aden chuckles. We were well behaved except from when we started with our shenanigans and pushed our mom’s patience beyond the limit.

We arrive to the store after ten minutes of driving. Aden didn’t even wait for me to walk inside, he just jumped out of the car as soon as I parked. I grab my wallet and I leave the car to walk towards the store as well. When I walk inside, I see that there’s people from every different age, there are kids younger than Aden, there are teenagers and even adults. It doesn’t surprise me, technology plays a big role in the society nowadays, everyone likes to play video games even my dad.

I walk towards the videogames section because I figure that’s where my brother is. When I get there, I see him holding a game on his hand and he looks at me happy.

''It’s this one!’’ He hands me the game when I get close to him.

I analyze the games cover for a while. There’s a soldier on the front cover and some random images of the game on the back. There is one image on the back that are soldiers in the desert shooting and it brings to my memory all those times that it was my reality. By the pictures, I can tell the game graphics are great and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel curious about playing it. ''So war games are still your favourites?’’

''They are the most interesting of them all!’’ Aden says excited. ''There’s this new mode in that game where we can play online against other people and the last team standing wins! I’ve been practicing and I’m almost a God.’’

I laugh slightly at my brother’s innocent cockiness. ''Maybe I can beat you sometime.’’

''Pfft…’’ Aden looks at me like I said something out of this world. ''You can try.’’

We both walk around the store for a little bit, seeing all the products it has and anyone would believe me if I told them how many things Aden is asking for his birthday or for Christmas. I want to think he is just too thrilled to be seeing all this and he is not turning himself into a materialistic kid. I know that what Aden does the most is playing, he goes out of the house only with our parents to take a walk at the park or go groceries and sometimes, he doesn’t even want to do that. When I was leaving with them here, nothing was like this. Aden would actually beg for us to go play at the park or just go for a car ride with the whole family.

After paying for the game, we go back to the car so we can head to the park to play some baseball.

''You don’t want to go home to test your new game?’’ I give him a test question.

''No, I want to go to the park first.’’ Aden says while fasten his seat belt.

I start the engine and drive in the direction of the park.

''Mom says you’ve been in your room a lot…’’ I begin the subject I’ve been wanting to talk to my brother about. ''Why don’t you go out more?’’

Aden shrugs. ''All my friends like to play videogames. We play together every time. I don’t think they like to play outside anymore.’’ He answers softly and a little bit sad too.

''But you still can go out with mom and dad.’’ I tell him when I stop at the traffic light and take a look at his posture. He seems a little bit sad which is weird because he was so happy and excited about the new game I just bought him.

''It’s not the same.’’ Aden says and looks outside his window avoiding my gaze.

Seeing my brother like this, makes me concerned and also sad. I know he has something on his mind that he won’t share unless I push him to. ''What’s not the same Aden?’’ I ask before the traffic light turns green.

''You’re not here anymore.’’ My heart aches hearing his innocent and sad voice. The more time I spend with my family, the more I realize how much everything changed when I decided to leave. ''Are you not going to live here anymore?’’

I am not prepared for that question because I don’t have a definitive answer for it. On one side I would like to come back because this is the kind of environment I like, I am not a big city type of person. On the other side, I am building a life with Costia in New York, she has her job there and I don’t think she could develop in her career in Polis as much as she can in New York. We never discussed such thing because it never occured in my mind the possibility of coming back for good. Now that I am here with her, in a calm city without so much noise, without so much trouble and way less people, I don’t think the idea of coming back is so bad after all. But I am building a life together with someone, this decision can’t be taken by just one person.

''I don’t know.’’ My answer is one hundred percent honest, I can’t say yes and neither can say no. Maybe it can happen and maybe it can’t.

We stay quiet for the rest of the way to the park which didn’t take long. As much as I want to talk to my brother about his feelings and what is bothering him, I want to have quality time too and forget about the problems around me.

After I park the car, we enter the Nopar Park. I place my hand on Aden’s shoulder as we walk to a good spot to play baseball. There is a good amount of people at the park today. Some came to walk their dogs, some are jogging, some playing and some are simply sitting on the grass chilling.

Aden and I finally find a good spot to play. We usually don’t play with the baseball bat here, we only use our gloves and throw the baseball to each other and catch it. If we used the bat, there’s a high chance that it can hurt someone so we play it safe.

My brother throws the ball at me and I get impressed by the good throw he made. Before his throws were clumsy and weak, sometimes I forget how much he’s been growing ever since and he is not so little anymore. ''Nice throw!’’ I use a louder tone than I am used to because we have a significant distance between us.

He catches the baseball I threw back at him. ''One day I will have a stronger throw than you do!’’ He speaks loud too before throwing the ball back at me.

We play for a while, we laugh, tease each other and have a great sibling time. It feels refreshing. My brother seems to forget about our conversation earlier and he’s now happy and filled with too much joy. Aden and I have a great connection and being in the company of each other, everything becomes better and more bearable…We may not share the same blood but he’s always going to be my brother and one of the persons I care the most.

I hear my phone ringing on my pocket and I give Aden a sign to hold up before he throws the ball back at me. I take the phone out of my pocket and Lincoln’s name appears.

''Heya Linc.’’ I greet him after accepting the phone call.

_''Heya Lex, what are you up to?’’_ He asks.

''Nothing much, I’m at the park with my brother…’’ I pause when my brother signals that he’s going somewhere that I don’t quite understand. ''What about you?’’

_''I was thinking about a double date?’’_ I hear his amusing voice expecting me to accept his invitation.

''And do you think that’s going to be a good idea?’’ It’s a normal thing to go on double dates with your friends, but my bestfriend is dating Octavia and to be honest, it would be overwhelming a little bit.

_''Come on Lex, don’t think about it too much. I already talked with Octavia.’’_ He insists trying to get me to say yes.

I sigh and I think about it for a second. Maybe it’s not a completely bad idea. ''Yes, sure.’’

_''Great! Today, 7 pm at Tom’s?’’_ Lincoln asks with an excited tone.

''We’ll be there. See you.’’ I hung up.

I put my phone back in my pocket and I start looking for my brother that went somewhere I don’t know. He pointed to the entrance’s direction, so I think that he might be around there. I take my cap off my head and I start walking.

I walk some meters and I finally spot the park’s gate. I look around while I’m walking hoping to find my brother but my eyes burned when, out of nowhere, I saw _her_ staring at me. I stop and I look at the blonde woman a few metters away from me. Clarke? Our eyes meet for the first time after almost a decade. I don’t want to tell myself that my heart is hurting right now, I don’t want to believe in it. This is my test to prove myself I am strong enough to overcome my fears.

I get closer and I don’t break the eye contact we are sharing. It’s like her blue eyes are trying to tell me a story that I can’t understand…Or maybe I don’t want to. I finally move my eyes to the other woman standing next to her. Raven, the one and only Raven Reyes. One of the most genuine, humble and foul-mouthed, in a good way, person I’ve ever met. She became one of my great friends really quickly, it’s crazy to think about all these people I lost contact with.

''Wow, Lexa?’’ Raven sounds really surprised.

I give her a small head greeting nod trying to contain my surprise too. ''Raven.’’

I feel Raven wrapping her arms around me and my body freezes completely. For so many time it’s been hard for me to have emotional physical contact with anyone. I managed to overcome that with the closest people around me but with everyone else, it just feels…something close to weird that is not weird.

She probably noticed my tense posture because she pulled back really quickly and looked slightly embarassed. How come Raven Reyes get embarassed? ''I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen you in so long.’’

I do understand her gesture but I don’t know what to tell her. Plus, I won’t explain that I am not the same person she used to know, that nowadays I am not as loving as I used to be before and that I get tense and act all weird at unusual physical contact. So I just give her a small smile hoping that will assure her that it’s okay and I get it.

I return my attention to the pair of eyes that have been, attentively, analyzing me. There is so much behind them, I can risk to say there is sadness and regret. I can see both of those ice spheres melt into a deep blue and calm ocean.

''Are we going to play more?’’ I look at Aden and I nod while I take the baseball out of his hands.

''Can we talk?’’ I hear the scared voice that broke me apart one day.

I face the floor thinking about what’s the best thing to do. I don’t feel comfortable or secure to hear what probably she want to tell me. It’s been a long time, there’s so much hurting involving the two of us, I don’t hold grudges but it’s not healthy for me or even for her to discuss something that’s in the past, something that was too painful.

''What about we go play for a little while and then you can come back to your sister again?’’ Raven asks Aden before I could say no to a future conversation with Clarke.

Both Aden and Raven walk away and I keep staring at them avoiding the eye contact with the person that I share so much history with. The silence is uncomfortable but I know for sure it won’t be the one breaking it.

''I didn’t expect to see you at all.’’ I hear the nervous voice coming from my right side.

I sigh lowly still not knowing what to say. This situation feels surreal to me, I didn’t expect to find Clarke here, if I am being honest, it was one of the things that scared me the most before coming here because she is the source of many memories. Nobody will ever know the amount of effort I am doing to remain calm and relaxed in this moment. Whenever I find myself in such uncomfortable situations, it’s so hard to deal with the anxiety, but somehow, right now I am managing.

''I can’t be here.’’ I finally break our silence. I said I can’t so I didn’t say I don’t want to because I don’t want to seem rude or insecure.

''I’m sorry…’’ She apologizes and I look at her. ''I have so much I want to tell you, Lexa.’’

I quickly face the ground avoiding the eye contact because of the unexpected impact it had on me. I can’t do this. I shake my head slowly. ''You can not.’’

''I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, the way I disappointed you…All these years I replayed the moment I left you over and over again and I could never forgive myself for that. I could never find my peace after that.’’

I try to digest everything she told me and I realize how much she’s haunted by what happened between us. I think about what my brother told me the other day, that Clarke went to my parents’ home to talk to me but I was already gone. Maybe she needs closure now to move on with her life, perhaps she is feeling so bad about the way she broke up and what she said to me and she can’t move forward.

I look up to the sky before looking to Aden’s and Raven’s direction and let out a heavy breath. ''I forgive you.’’

''What are you trying to mean by that?’’ She asks right after I spoke and I turn to face her.

I decide to adopt a very formal posture we are used to have in the army not to just seem secure, but also to feel more secure. I tilt my head up and I place both my arms on my back. I notice that Clarke gets confused by my new posture and maybe a bit scared?

''I mean I forgive you.’’ I try to sound calm but determined. ''I don’t want you to be hard on yourself because of what happened in the past. It’s been a long time, you deserve to move on and find your own happiness.’’

I watch Clarke’s body trembling and she seems even more sad than before. How did a conversation with someone I haven’t seen in eight years became so deep?

''Is this what closure sounds like?’’ I see her eyes getting teary and she doesn’t move them away from mine. ''Do you have someone?’’

I clench my jaw and I give her a slow and half nod in response to her question. Clarke looks away from me for the first time and I understand the impact this information had on her. I didn’t want to make her feel bad, but I know that she needs and deserves closure. Despite everything, she deserves to be happy.

I can see Raven and Aden approaching us from the corner of my eye when I still have my eyes fixed on Clarke. ''I hope you’re happy.’’ She looks at me and smiles softly before heading towards the park’s gate.

I watch Clarke speeding up her pace eagerly to leave the park.

''It was nice to see you again Lexa.’’ Raven tells me before leaving in a hurry to catch Clarke.

I only take my eyes off of their direction when I can no longer see her. I put my hat on and place my hand on Aden’s shoulder. We go to play a little more so I can distract myself from what just happened.

After getting home, I told Costia about Lincoln’s plans and she got really excited and happy about it. I’m still not entirely sure and I can’t say I’m in the best mood for it. But here we are, getting dressed to go on a double date with Lincoln and Octavia. I’m going to try hard to not overthink about it too much before I decide against this dinner.

''Are you okay babe?’’ Costia asks while putting on her jeans. ''You seem a little off.’’

''I’m good.’’ I answer hoping that she won’t realize that neither I know how I feel.

After getting dressed, we start heading to Jim’s. Costia is a very social person so she is in fact really pleased about Lincoln’s invitation. We haven’t done much together since we got here, we’ve been pretty much spending our time with my family and it’s not a bad thing, Costia likes them and they like Costia too.

I was debating on putting GPS or not but I decided against and it proved to be a good decision. I came to Tom’s a lot of times in the past, it’s one of the best casual restaurants in town. They mostly serve comfort food and the place is cozy and friendly itself. I remember it also has two pool tables and I actually learned to play pool there. The first time I couldn’t even hit the white ball but I found the game so interesting that I decided to keep practicing until I got good at it. We made lots of pool tournaments in the military base, I won some of them so I was grateful for learning how to play before joining the army.

We arrive our destination after not longer than a fifteen minutes drive and we walk inside Tom’s. There are some changes, they have new tables and chairs and the walls are now covered with wood. The theme at Tom’s is dark, it can almost compare to an Irish pub.

Me and Costia look around to try to find Lincoln and Octavia. It doesn’t take long when I spot the happy couple snuggling up to each other so we head towards them.

When we arrive the table they’ve chosen, I immediately change gaze with Octavia who has a smile and a hint of curiosity inside her. First I saw Clarke and Raven, and then I see Octavia. I give myself a note to look at her mostly has my bestfriend’s girlfriend and not just my ex’s bestfriend. But i tis normal right? I haven’t seen this people in ages and I left without even saying a goodbye.

''Hi, I’m Costia!’’ My girlfriend presents herself to Octavia who gets up to give Costia a kiss on her cheek.

''Nice to meet you, I’m Octavia.’’ She says wearing a full smile on her face. I notice Octavia has her hair longer and she still looks as beautiful as ever. ''Lexa, who would say?’’ I hear her joking about the situation.

''I know.’’ I say softly and I realize the curiosity on Costia’s face. ''We used to be good friends when I was still living in Polis.’’ I clarify so my girlfriend understands how me and Octavia are familiar with each other.

Costia greets Lincoln too and we seat in front of them. I realize that Octavia didn’t try to greet me has she done with Costia and I wonder if Lincoln told her about me not enjoying unusual physical contact.

''How’s your family?’’ Octavia asks me.

''They’re good.’’ I half smile. ''How’s yours?’’

''Great, Bellamy still annoying as ever.’’ She rolls her eyes and I almost grin. I remember Bellamy perfectly and how overprotective he was of her sister. By her response I can tell he didn’t change that part of him yet and from what I know about him, I don’t think he ever will.

''Did you guys went to High school together?’’ Costia asks the both of us but I let Octavia have the answer.

''Yes, we had some classes together too.’’ She answers.

''I bet Lex was a geeky.’’ Lincoln jokes and I roll my eyes.

''A little bit.’’ Octavia chuckles while looking at me. It seems like she is analyzing myself probably wondering what she can say or not.

Costia turns her head to face me. ''I know that behind that commander spirit, there’s a hidden geeky.’’ She smiles and gives me a quick kiss on my lips.

We order some food and we talk about pretty much my life and Lincoln’s in the army and Costia and Octavia share some details about each other. I start to relax a little bit more, I start to think this double date might turned out to be a good idea.

''So how did you two guys meet?’’ Octavia asks me and Costia before taking a sip of her drink.

''Well…’’ Costia pauses and looks at me silently questioning if I want to answer the question or if she wants to go ahead. I simply smile letting her respond. ''We met in a bar in New York city. She was accompanied by her friends from the army. One of them was Lincoln actually.’’

''Of course, somebody responsible have to take care of the wolfpack.’’ Lincoln jokes and I give him a playful death glare and he laughs. ''Sorry, Heda.’’ He apologizes sarcastically.

Costia has a full smile on her face and I see that she is enjoying this double date a lot. I am really glad for that. ''So when I laid my eyes on her I was like, I have to meet this girl. I walked towards them and asked her if I could buy her a drink. Pretty cliché.’’ She chuckles and I look at Octavia who is giving her full attention. ''If Luna didn’t give you a push, you would have totally rejected though.’’ Costia looks at me smiling.

''Maybe not.’’ I tell her. Luna had a good role in that situation, probably I would’ve rejected but regretted rejecting a beautiful woman like Costia.

''Luna is the one with curly hair you once showed me a picture with her in Iraq right?’’ Octavia asks Lincoln.

He nods while taking a sip of his drink. ''That’s the one.’’ He looks at me and grins. ''Don’t be jealous Leksa, I showed pictures of both of us too.’’ My bestfriend jokes again and this time I can’t help but laugh slightly.

''Shof op.’’ I tell him to shut up in a playful tone. ''Linkon is a pain in the ass sometimes, isn’t he?’’ I direct my question to Octavia who laughs.

''Sometimes.’’ She giggles when watches Lincoln pouting.

The environment between the four of us became really soft and nice. I can say I almost fully relaxed by now. But when I look at Octavia, I still have many memories ready to come out and overwhelm me and now, I think about the unexpected encounter earlier too. Even if it was stressful, it might have benefit both me and Clarke. I saw with my own eyes her getting closure after eight years, it’s crazy to imagine someone waited so long to move on. Maybe that encounter was good for me too, I proved myself to be strong enough to survive such thing, maybe this part of me started to genuinely heal after that.

''Laik yu ok?’’ Lincoln shakes the thoughts in my head.

''Sha. Nou get yu daun.’’ I reply lowly so neither Costia or Octavia get curious about our secret way of communication.

Me and my Unit developed a language so we could communicate without anyone else understand what we were saying. It came out pretty handy a lot of times.

The rest of the dinner is calm and pleasant. I got lost in my thoughts a lot of times but fortunately, Lincoln and Costia already know that’s something normal about me and they don’t pay too much attention to it. Octavia knows I’ve always been a quiet person but not this much and I found herself looking to check up on me some times. I am not sure if she was expecting another reaction from me after seeing her for the first time after so long, but I am not the greatest person to show my emotions. At least not anymore.

I remember perfectly the moments Octavia and I shared together. She was actually one of the persons that made me do crazy stuff like sneaking into one of my basketball teammate’s locker to grab a letter Octavia put there that she regretted last minute. She showed up at our basketball practice and she simply called my name interrupting the whole game. I could’ve gotten annoyed but it was Octavia and we had a really good friendship. I wonder if she knows about what happened earlier this afternoon since she lives together with Clarke and Raven. I wonder if Clarke’s alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shof op- Shut up
> 
> Laik yu ok?- Are you ok?
> 
> Sha. Nou get yu daun - Yes. Don't worry


	9. Friendship is a treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke decides that she and her friends should hang out at a bar. Everything seems fine until Finn decides to make an unexpected appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am so sorry for being so late. I have to study because I have a very important exam on July and also there's been a death of a friend of my family. I wish I could give you this chapter sooner, but there was absolutely no way. I am going to start writing the next chapter today (Sunday here) because Sunday is usually my day off of studies lol. There's going to be interesting events coming up, especially when it comes to Raven's brother. I hope you like this chapter and eventually the others I've been preparing for you. You can expect a Clexa moment in the next chapter, maybeeeee

**Chapter IX – Clarke’s P.O.V**

Visiting my father’s grave has to be the most peaceful place I can be in my life. I wish I could have his arms wrapped around me now, I miss the comfort his presence gave me. Now the only thing I can do is visit his grave and hope it’s slightly enough.

''I miss you so much dad.’’ I whisper and I fight the urge to cry for the millionth time this week.

It’s been four days since the day I saw Lexa at the park. If I knew I was going to see her, I like to think I would have had a better reaction, but I was caught by surprise. For a moment, I feel proud of myself for not breaking down in front of Lexa because that would be absolutely humiliating. More than it already was. Sometimes I wonder what went through my head for speak my mind to a person I haven’t seen or talked for eight years. My mom told me not to be too hard on myself and maybe she is right. I shouldn’t be. It’s true, I should’ve been patient and study the moment before saying what I said, I just feel like I waited so many years for that moment and I coulnd’t contain myself.

A big part of me believed in a fantasy where Lexa and I would reconnect and talk about everything that happened in our lives after we separated our ways but now thinking of it, I feel dumb. Of course something like that would never happen. I wish I had, at least, the opportunity to tell her I came back home that day for her…I wish I could’ve done more. I regret not fighting for her, maybe we would be together now if I did so. When I realized Lexa left our apartment, I could only think about how hurt she was and how much I did not deserve her.

Everything that I did, all the times I rejected her love, hit me hard and in my head I didn’t have any right to go after her. If only I knew how miserable I would become, I would’ve changed that. I would’ve done everything differently, but I can’t change it. As much as it hurts right now, it’s time for me to start to move on seriously. After eight years, the hopes I had are gone. It’s weird to think it’s been almost a decade and I was stuck in the same circle over and over again, what was I expecting really? That we would run into each others arms? God, how stupid can someone be.

I arrive home around lunch time after visiting my dad’s grave and I hear the shower from the bathroom. That must be Raven since Octavia is working. I sit on the couch and turn on the TV. I am the most indecisive person when it comes to choose something to watch, sometimes I eat all goodies before even choosing a movie or TV show and other times I play something randomly and I don’t pay attention to it at all since I’m focusing mainly on my phone. I think everybody does this, right?

I am not addicted to social media like Raven or Octavia, I don’t post as much as they do but I do love to scroll and see what is going on on other peoples’ lives, not gonna lie. I have also several group chats in every social media platforms with my friends. It’s funny that every group chat is the same, it’s pretty much Jasper and Monty sending stupid but funny memes, Bellamy always trying to catch up with everyone’s lives, Harper the one who only types ''haha’’ as a response to every message and Raven and Octavia always trying to make plans to get everyone together. If someone asked me days ago to hang out with my friends and get a little drunk, I’d totally say no but today, my Saturday day off, I feel like going out and have fun like I haven’t in a while.

''Hey, you’re back.’’ I hear Raven’s voice coming from the bathroom behind me and I turn my head to see her with a towel wrapped around her body and one in her head.

''Yeah, do you want to hang out today?’’ I ask her as she joins me on the couch. 

''Of course, do you want to go for lunch?’’ Ravens asks and takes the remote from my hand.

''We can but I was thinking more like, going out to the club.’’ I explain and she gives me an inquisitive look.

''Did I listen well? Clarke Griffin wants to go out clubbing?’’ She jokes and grins.

I roll my eyes at my bestfriend amused expression. ''I just wanna have some fun now, tired of my monotonous life.’’

''Oh my god finally!’’ Raven let’s out a sound of relief playfully. ''I thought I lost that part of you forever.’’

I laugh slightly. ''No you haven’t.’’

''Maybe I’ll ask Matias to come with us, he says he’s too bored and there’s nothing to do in Polis.’’ I completely forgot that Raven’s brother is in town. I only saw him twice, he was supposed to stay in our apartment on the couch but Lincoln offered one room for him to stay there. ''Of course he finds Polis too boring, he’d rather stay in the neighbourhood and hang out with those stupid friends of his.’’

''Or maybe, he’ll like Polis so much that he will even want to live here.’’ I try to sound positive. Nothing is impossible, is it?

I face Raven and she has this skeptical look on her face like I just said the weirdest thing ever. ''That’s never going to happen.’’

''Is Matias getting along with Lincoln?’’ I ask her.

''Linc is making a huge effort to get my brother to like this town a little more or even try to understand his problems, but Matias is focusing all of his energy in hating Polis and doesn’t open up at all.’’ Raven sounds sad and annoyed at the same time.

''Maybe we should try to hang out with him a little more, show him the best parts of this town, maybe he’ll change ideas.’’ I really want to help out my bestfriend with this problem that’s been bothering her for long enough.

''I doubt it, but we can try…’’ She sighs. ''Thank you.’’ We share a smile with each other.

''Should we order something for lunch?’’ I ask her after I feel the emptiness inside my stomach.

''We could totally order something, I’m _star-ving_.’’ She emphasizes the word dramatically.

''Quesadillas?’’

She nods. ''Do I need to remind how I like mine or can I go to my room get dressed?

I roll my eyes. ''Go.’’

I order two quesadillas for me and Raven. My bestfriend always orders the one with chicken and spicy but I always go for the vegan spicy one. My friends often ask me if I am turning into a vegan because of my choices whenever we go out to eat, I can’t say that I am actually turning into a vegan, but some years ago I made a decision of reducing the meat I eat. I still eat meat and I do love steaks and it reminds me of the steak I ate the other day when I had dinner out with Finn.

We haven’t talked in four days, I won’t tell it bothers me since I didn’t even realize we weren’t talking until now. Maybe if I keep things this way, I won’t need to have the conversation with him where I say I didn’t think fully straight when I told him we should slowly head towards a relationship. This makes me a coward, I know, but how am I supposed to do that anyway?

I find myself wondering when will I ever stop making so bad decisions for myself. For the past few days I’ve been feeling low and sad, I still do but at least, I want to try to focus on myself and only on myself from now on. I thought I needed someone beside me to get over the past, but the only person I need is me. I went through so many suffering my whole life and I am still standing, for sure I will be able to find my own peace. It doesn’t matter how much I think I don’t deserve it, it’s time to stop and take care of me.

''Madre mia, still scrolling on Netflix?’’ Raven asks as she approaches the couch once more after getting dressed. Thing is, I didn’t even realize what I was doing, I was so lost on my thoughts. She takes the remote from my hands again. ''Did you order food already?’’

''Yes I did.’’ I answer while I grab my phone and start scrolling on my social media one more time.

We fall silent for a while, me focusing on social media and Raven still looking for something to watch. I stop scrolling when I see Octavia posted a picture with Lincoln, a very silly one. They’re both doing weird faces and I smile at my screen completely delighted at one of my bestfriends’ happiness. I also notice that Octavia tagged Lincoln in the picture which means that he has Instagram now, he didn’t have before. I go to his profile and sent him a follow request. ''Look at them.’’ I turn my screen to Raven to show her the picture Octavia posted.

''Two dorks.’’ She says smiling in a very loving way. ''It seems the night they went to that double date. At least she was wearing that same black shirt.’’

I raise my eyebrow silently questioning what she meant by that, because clearly I had no idea Octavia went to a double date. ''Double date? With who?’’

Raven rubs her forehead slightly uncomfortable. ''Lincoln wanted to introduce Octavia as his girlfriend to Lexa.’’

''Oh.’’ I try not be bothered by it. Not to be bothered by the thought of Lexa with someone else…On a double date with her bestfriend…And my bestfriend that is dating her bestfriend.

''I shouldn’t have said anything, sorry Clarke.’’ Raven says concerned.

''Don’t worry Ray, it’s all good.’’ It’s not, but it will be. At least I will fight for it.

''So, everybody has been talking about this show called _Love is Blind_ and I am kinda curious to see if it’s has good has they say.’’ I thank God for a minute that Raven didn’t insist on the previous conversation.

''What is it about?’’ I look to the TV and then to her and Raven seems to be attentively reading the show’s synopsis.

''A co-worker told me it’s about men and women that meet without seeing each other and they have some days to find a connection with someone, if they find.’’ She explains me.

''What happens if they find?’’ I ask curiously.

''They have to agree on marriage and then they see each other. After that I think they do a normal life as a couple until their marriage.’’

''Sounds interesting, let’s do it.’’ I agree with her choice.

Raven looks at me playfully. ''Do what? Wanna go to that show to find love blindly?’’

''God no, I want a break from love.’’ I answer her playful question.

''Guess we’re both in the same boat Griff, love is a crazy virus.’’ She grins and I chuckle at the way my bestfriend described love.

''What do you know about that? Have you ever even been in love?’’ I joke with her and she makes a disgusted face that makes me laugh.

''Someone needs to be the sober one in this house to take care of two hopeless hearts.’’

I roll my eyes and shake my head slowly amused. ''So we’re going out later or not?’’

Raven smirks devilishly like she’s thinking about all the crazy fun she’s planning in her head. ''Of course.’’

Our food was delivered in the middle of the first episode of the TV show. The quesadillas were delicious as always and it was even better when there was something interesting to watch while eating them. Fortunately, not everyone at home is as indecisive as me when it comes to choose something to watch on TV. The worst thing about taking years to finally make a decision, is realizing your decision was absolutely terrible. Thank God I have Raven in my life in these moments.

We watch three more episodes before I decide to go take a shower. Actually, my bestfriend saw that I was getting so excited about the reality show that she was afraid I had second thoughts about going out today and I’d rather stay home to finish watching the whole thing. I won’t deny that it crossed my mind.

''I’m gonna call Matias to ask him if he wants to join us.’’ Raven says before I disappear into the bathroom.

I enter the shower and I let the warm water fall all over me. I hate myself that I start thinking about the double date Octavia went to. The way the scene plays in my head, seems like Lexa find her happiness. She deserves that, after everything she’s been through. I don’t know half of the third of it, but I can imagine it was a lot. I could see it in her face, in her body, that she was different. More distant, colder. Now that I think about this, I realize that maybe part of the hopes I had that we’d be talking and reconnecting were there because I always remembered Lexa as this warm and extremely loving person, I never really thought about how much she could’ve possibly changed.

My mind brings back the scars that were spread all over her arms. Even though I am focused on moving on, I am curious about her story, about her life when I wasn’t in it. There’s no words to describe the pain I feel when I think about Lexa being hurt in a cruel way. I will always care about her and I just have to accept that she is happy, as she deserves.

After getting ready, I walk towards the room when I see Raven waiting for me.

''Damn girl, where you goin’?’’ Raven fakes a funny accent and I laugh.

''There are so many things inside my closet I don’t wear, I should change that.’’ Sometimes my friends would make me go shopping with them, but I never ended up going out so I have plenty of new clothes that I never wore. Today I decided on tight ripped black jeans, an off shoulder white top, a black leather jacket and black ankle strap heels. I decided to go for slight makeup, I like this way better on myself.

''I’d do you.’’ I laugh at Raven’s joke.

''Do I have to tell you that you look hot?’’ I compliment her. Raven is the kind of woman who always looks good no matter what she is wearing. She went for women denim shorts, a white top, a black leather jacket and black heels ankle strap heels as well.

''I don’t get tired of receiving compliments, but no you don’t have to.’’ She jokes.

''Is Matias coming with us?’’ I ask while we start preparing to leave our apartment.

''Yes, he’ll meet us there with O and Linc.’’ She answers before we leave our apartment’s door. ''I invited them.’’

''That’s great!’’ I feel excited for having a night with them. We haven’t done this in a while. I haven’t done this in a while, actually.

Raven requested an Uber to take us to the club. We always take an Uber or a cab, there is no way I would tolerate one of us driving while drunk. Not after what happened to my dad.

***

We arrive at the club and the whole place is crowded. I shouldn’t be surprised because The Ark is always crowded on a Saturday night, but I haven’t been in a club for so long that I almost forgot how it feels like.

''How will we find them in the middle of all these people?’’ I raise my voice so my bestfriend can hear my question.

Raven grins. ''Do you think me and O would let your comeback to hoe life go unnoticed?’’

I frown. ''What did you guys do?’’

''Relax Griff…’’ I must have seemed scared of her statement. It did scare me, Raven and Octavia together can do crazy stuff, we’ll never know with those two. ''We only got the whole VIP area for us.’’

I smile hearing that, not only because it seems like a great idea but it’s a relief. The club is really busy tonight and I don’t think we could’ve managed to find space for the five of us.

We walk upstairs to the VIP area that gives us an aerial perspective of the club. It seems even more crowded from the top, honestly. It’s almost impossible to find a place where someone could fit in. The walk Raven and I had to do to reach this area, was a big challenge and almost got me all sweaty already.

I spot Lincoln, Octavia and Matias sitting on a black couch next to a table with few drinks on top of it. Seems like a bottle of Vodka, some redbulls and water.

''Already drinking without us?’’ Raven says.

Octavia gets up from the couch to hug both of us that just arrived. ''I still can’t believe Clarke decided to come clubbing under her free will.’’ Both my friends laugh.

''Very funny.’’ I approach the table to greet the boys. ''Hey guys.’’ I place a kiss on their cheeks.

Lincoln hands me a drink he just made. ''Here.’’ He says smiling.

''Thank you.’’ I accept his drink and turn my attention to Matias. ''Are you enjoying?’’

He shrugs, clearly not interested in any of this. ''It’s cool I guess.’’

Raven and Octavia joins us at the table and Lincoln hands them a drink as well.

''Give me a cigarette.’’ Raven asks her brother and he gives her a surprised and scared look. ''What? I know you smoke. The fact you think I’m dumb enough to not know you smoke is almost worse than the fact you actually smoke.’’

Matias gives her a cigarette and a lighter. ''When did you start smoking, sis?’’

''I only smoke at parties…When I feel like to.’’ Raven explains.

''Bellamy might join us later by the way…’’ Octavia says. ''At least he is going to try to.’’

''Is Bell being too hard on you Linc?’’ Raven jokes while taking a puff.

Lincoln chuckles a little. ''He’s been great.’’

Raven frowns and gives him a skeptical look. Everybody knows how protective Bellamy is when it comes to Octavia. Sometimes I find it cute, sometimes I think he exaggerates but he doesn’t mean to be bad. My friend already had several problems with past relationships, I think Bellamy got even more overprotective of her because of it, I don’t blame him for that, I’d do the same. Also, everyone knows how easy it is for O to fall in love with someone, she gets easily attached, but when I look at Lincoln, I don’t think she chose bad. Well, if he is Lexa’s bestfriend, that must mean something. She would never be friends with someone with poor character.

''Define great.’’ Raven dares clearly not believing what Lincoln just told her. She always says Bellamy is a pain in the ass but deep down, she loves him like he is her own brother.

''We already crossed that phase…’’ He looks to Octavia who’s smiling towards him. ''We’re buddies.’’

Raven, playfully, started clapping and we all laughed at her surprised but pleased expression, like Bellamy being friends with his sister’s boyfriend was the most spectacular thing in the world.

After two hours, we’re all pretty much wasted. Even Raven’s brother is socializing, something he wouldn’t do much before, Octavia and Lincoln are dancing and making out at the same time and me and Raven are downing shots like crazy while dancing to every song.

Everybody seems pretty pleased with the DJ’s choices, it’s a combination from nowadays hits and 80s songs and I love 80s songs. The beats, the lyrics, the voices, everything is amazing about these songs. Being here, with people I love, carefree, drunk, dancing and laughing, makes me wonder why I didn’t do this sooner. Octavia, Raven and even I have been doing some videos and taking some selfies to post on their stories, I know how much I will cringe tomorrow when I see them, but tonight I don’t care.

The boys are sitting on the couch talking and drinking, I feel Matias more at ease and way more comfortable with our presence. He’s a great guy that chose a bad path of his life by being friends with people who don’t think about anything else other than themselves, I always tell Raven that he is just lost and he will find his way back again. My bestfriend wants to show that she’s given up, I know she’s doing that because she’s afraid of getting her hopes high that her brother is going to do better and in the end, Matias ends up disappointing everyone. Deep down, Raven has hopes, I do too. Looking at him right now, I could totally see Matias changing, reconnecting more with Raven, I would love for that to happen because this is the problema that bothers my friend the most.

I serve myself another drink and I walk closer to my bestfriends who are dancing and laughing heartily.

''Clarke, I’m soooo happy we’re here!’’ Raven says while putting her arm around my shoulders.

''God, we’re completely wasted aren’t we.’’ I say and we laugh completely aware of how drunk each other is.

''I missed this my girls like this.’’ Octavia says and we give a group hug.

''I went back to high school here for a second…’’ I hear Raven saying after we break the group embrace. ''When life didn’t have fucked up shit like it has now.’’

''Amen to that.’’ Me and Octavia say in unison and we all take a big sip of the drinks we’re holding.

We laugh and dance a little more. Three bestfriends moving their hips at the song’s rythm, completely lost in this circle of friendship. I lost my father, I lost my happiest future but this, them, I can never lose. The best friends I could’ve asked for.

''Is that Finn?’’ Raven raises her eyebrow focusing her gaze on the staircase behind me. I turn around and see Finn walking towards us. I am so confusing, I have no idea what he’s doing here. I notice he doesn’t look happy, I can find some anger and annoyance in his eyes. The way he is walking towards me without ever diver his eyes from mine, leaves me tense and…scared. Raven must have sensed the same vibe coming from Finn, like something is wrong, so she quickly stood in front of me and stretched out her arm preventing him to get closer to me. ''What’s going on?’’ Raven’s voice sounds overprotective and fearless.

''I want to talk to, Clarke!’’ Finn looks like he’s been drinking?

''Nah, cowboy, not with that tone.’’ Raven refuses Finn’s request and I just stand freezed. I have absolutely no clue about why he is this angry and annoyed. Actually, I would understand if he was annoyed because we haven’t been talking even more after I asked for both of us to try, but this angry? And following me?

''Why haven’t you answer my phone calls?’’ He asks looking into my direction.

I don’t know what to say, I’m speechless by this reaction of him. I was completely drunk, but all of a sudden I’m sober and sick. I never expected this kind of action from him, I always saw Finn as a very sweet guy, what is he doing? We never fully know people, that’s scary. The anger coming from his eyes is scary. A lot.

Suddenly, I feel the presence of Lincoln and Matias next to us and I feel safer. Wow, I didn’t even know I was feeling threatened in the first place. I look at Finn, the guy I’ve been having some casual dates with, the same guy who asked about my day and showed interest on my well being and I don’t recognize this side of him.

''What’s the problem here?’’ Lincoln asks trying to keep a calm tone.

''I have no idea, but I am not enjoying this guy’s posture for a bit.’’ Octavia says.

''I just want to talk to Clarke.’’ It seemed like Finn relaxed a bit, he doesn’t have the anger in his eyes like he had earlier, but I still wouldn’t feel comfortable staying near him.

''My friend, I know guys like you, if you think you’re going to talk to the Princess over here…’’ Raven points her finger in my direction. ''You’re really wrong.’’

''Who do you think you are?’’ The anger came back as soon as Raven stopped speaking.

Lincoln tried to grab Raven’s arm attempting to put distance from her and Finn but she pulled her arm away from him. ''It’s okay Linc. This bastard doesn’t scare me.’’ She looks right into Finn’s eyes. ''I’m not going to lie, I thought you were a good guy for my blondie, but after this whole vibe, man I’ll kick your ass if you ever get near her.’’

Finn looked away and faced the wall on his right. He stayed like that for what felt like ten minutes, but the reality is that he turned his gaze to Raven after three painful seconds. As soon as Finn lift his hand like he was going to hurt Raven, Lincoln grabbed his wrist and Matias jumped and pushed him away.

''Were you fucking lifting your hand to my sister?’’ Matias kept pushing him towards the wall. Finn tried to push him back, but Raven’s brother punched him right on his face.

Lincoln rushed to separate Matias from Finn because we all saw the situation getting ugly.

''Stop guys!’’ Octavia yelled when we saw Finn getting up and try to fight with Matias again.

I saw Lincoln’s amazing reflexes again in awe. I don’t think anyone in this club could ever reach his face, Linc’s moves are fast and firm. I wonder how much he practiced, I wonder if Lexa has the same capabilities has he does. I bet she does, when Lexa commits herself to something, she tries the hardest to be good at it. I am sure it was her hardwork that kept her alive and strong the whole time she’s been executing dangerous missions overseas. I remember Lincoln told us that she is the commander of their Unit, one of the best soldiers he ever crossed paths with. She is so strong.

Not long after, The Ark’s securities were grabbing Finn to kick him out of the club.

''Clarke let me talk to you!’’ He yelled and I felt so embarassed of this whole situation. What the hell is wrong with this guy?

The securities weren’t in the mood to play, they just dragged him out of the VIP area and when Finn was out of sight, I finally let out a heavy breath. It’s like I was holding my breath for so long and I feel relieved that he is not here anymore.

''Are you okay, Clarke?’’ Lincoln asks and I finally move my body that has been freezing since the moment I saw Finn’s angry eyes walking towards me.

''Yeah, thank you.’’ I manage to break the silence I fell into.

''Is he really like this?’’ Octavia asks incredulous.

''I swear to God, if I see this guy again I’ll send him to hospital.’’ Matias stated angry. He has his arm wrapped around Raven’s waist.

''I need to go to the bathroom.’’ Raven said.

''I’ll go with you.’’ Octavia walk next to Raven.

''As much as I love our WC moment, I really need a drink right now girls.’’ I try to lighten the mood, they toothy grin and left towards the bathroom.

Lincoln, Matias and I went back to sit on the couch and served drinks to each other. I am still confused, nervous and embarassed about what happened, but the night was being so nice that I don’t want to ruin it even more. I tell myself to pretend that I’m good just for a few more hours.

''Did you learn all those reflexes in the army?’’ I ask Lincoln while taking a sip of my vodka with redbull.

Lincoln giggles. ''Well you need to spend a lot of time practicing when you’re becoming part of an elite Unit. You learn lots of types of defenses and attacks.’’

''I’d be down to learn some of it man.’’ I hear Matias voice and I smile at the thought that he is probably coming out of his shell. Maybe he can find a great friend in Lincoln and like better the idea of being in Polis.

''I will teach you…’’ Lincoln turns his attention to Matias who’s sitting on his left side. ''If you give your sister the opportunity to show you the great side of Polis.’’ He says with a smile. I can totally see why Octavia loves him, he has a pure heart, always thinks about others before himself, always willing to help whoever. I liked him instantly when Octavia introduced Lincoln for the first time, but now I consider him already a good friend of mine. I love him and I love Octavia with him.

Matias grins to Lincoln and he stands up to go smoke a cigarette next to the balcony of the VIP area with the view for the whole club.

Lincoln and I keep each other company, he’s scrolling on his phone while taking small sips of his drink. I don’t mind the silence between us, it’s comfortable and I feel safe next to him.

''Are you definitely retiring from the army?’’ I ask him breaking the silence.

Lincoln blocks his screen and puts his phone on his pocket. ''Yeah, I think it’s time to finally retire.’’

''Are you going to miss it?’’

He chuckles. ''Actually yes, many people may think it’s crazy to miss something that puts you through such danger but the reality is, I’m used to it and I like it. I like feeling useful and the army is way more than just danger and fight. Is respect, unity and discipline.’’

I smile at how warmly he talks about it. ''What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever faced there?’’

I watch Lincoln smiling a bit sadly but not uncomfortable with the question. Probably I should’ve left these questions for other time, but I feel curious about what he did in the army…About what he and Lexa did in the army. Who am I kidding, I am just finding a way to ask about her. Everything leads to the same door.

''Are you sure you want to hear about it?’’ He looks at me and I nod. ''When I thought I lost Lexa in our mission, my bestfriend, was the hardest thing I faced in duty. Probably in my whole life. I spent weeks without knowing anything about her, there was nightmares of her screaming for my help and I was restless. It was the hardest weeks for me and I bet for the rest of our Unit as well. No one is ever prepared to lose a comrade, especially if the person is from the same Unit and really special for you.’’

 _When I thought I lost Lexa in our mission,_ this sentence is echoing in my head. Again, imagining Lexa crossing so much danger gives me chills, makes me want to scream and cry of guilt. She chose this way because of me, she changed her whole life because of me. Lexa could’ve died because of me, because of a horrible person like me who didn’t give her enough value, who destroyed the most beautiful love. Why isn’t there a time machine? Why isn’t there an opportunity to change one thing in your past? Why?

''Heya, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.’’ Lincoln gently places his hand on my shoulder after noticing that my eyes got teary. It’s so hard to hear her name without feeling the urge to cry and it’s even harder to contain myself when I’m hearing she could’ve actually die.

''I’m sorry.’’ I apologize for my reaction.

''Don’t apologize, I get it.’’ He sounds comprehensive and sweet. His expression is reassuring. ''You still love her a lot.’’

''Yeah.’’ I admit it out loud. I am talking to Lexa’s bestfriend about how I still love her. Absolutely perfect. I don’t know why, but I laugh a little. ''There’s no not loving her in my world.’’

''Lexa got really hurt…’’ He began speaking carefully. ''When we met I could see she was struggling with something inside her. Like she was trying to become someone different from what she was before. We spent a lot of time together and eventually we shared some stuff about our lives. It took her some time to share this part of her, the reason why she was becoming a different person and why she get away from town. People do change, but the true essence will always remain with us.’’

I sigh and I feel emotional drained…Again. It always happens when Lexa is the subject of the conversation. ''I didn’t mean to hurt her the way I did. God, if only I could go back in time and change everything I did, I would. I hate myself for the fact that I still continued to hurt her even after we broke up. She didn’t deserve any of that.’’ I pause for a bit. I feel Lincoln’s attentive eyes waiting for me to compose myself because I’m trying hard not to cry. I smile sadly. ''Is she happy now?’’

''Honestly?’’ He asks and I nod in response. ''I don’t know. She’s trying to.’’

''We saw each other the other day at the park…’’ I tell him and I face the wall with frames of famous 80s artists in front of us. I feel Lincoln’s gaze on me. ''I could feel that she was different, but deep down I still felt the presence of the Lexa I know in her eyes. Her smell, her eyes, her voice…I felt like I was coming home after eight years. But she told me she has someone else in her life…’’ I pause and I wip the two tears that were falling down my cheeks. ''I deserved to be heartbroken one more time, even though I know she didn’t mean to hurt me.’’

''Clarke, everybody deserves to be happy. Everybody makes mistakes.’’ Lincoln says kindly trying to make me feel better. I think for a second, how much I’ve been opening up to him. The alcohol helped, but it’s not just that. It’s really easy to talk with him, Lincoln is someone anybody could trust.

''Yeah…’’ I let my eyes fall down to my lap. I’m staring at the drink on my hands and I remember those nights I filled myself with alcohol to forget my pain when there was the love of my life at home, waiting for me, fighting for me, willing to do everything for me to feel good. I could’ve spent all my nights crying and grieving next to her, she would’ve hold me tight and say that everything was going to be alright in a way that only Lexa can. Her love would have saved me, instead I rejected it. ''I lost the key to my happiness eight years ago.’’

Lincoln wraps his arm around my shoulder, something that never happened between us, but it feels good, comforting. Of course Lexa would see him as a bestfriend, anyone would see Lincoln has a bestfriend, I can find myself looking at Lincoln as one of my future bestfriends as well. I pray to God that everything goes well with him and Octavia, they’re great for each other and my bestfriend is in great hands.

''Whatever has to be, it will be.’’ Lincoln says. ''You’ll always have us here for you. Octavia is crazy about you and Raven. When we first met, you both were the topic of many of our conversations. She wanted me to meet you guys so bad. You’re family to each other, friendships like this is so important. You’re really important to Octavia, and whoever is important to Octavia is important for me too. You can talk to me whenever you need, alright?’’

I look at him and I smile. ''Thank you a lot. I couldn’t have asked a better guy for my bestfriend, really.’’

Lincoln laughs and takes his arm from my shoulders. ''I am lucky to have found her. And you’re three lucky to have found each other.’’

I look at the bathroom’s direction when I see Raven and Octavia passing through the door and walking towards us. They’re both laughing and I admire the complicity. It’s true, we are lucky to have found each other. My life would be a complete misery if they weren’t here, these crazy, beautiful, kind and loving women. I smile at the sight of them. Our precious friendship.

''We are.’’


	10. The closure she needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn, it's been a good while since I've updated. Besides having a different schedule and responsabilities in my life at the moment, I have decided to make some changes in my story and I need your opinion. I decided that I will write the story in the third person and not in Clarke's or Lexa's point of view. Because I just feel it will give me more advantage this way.  
> I know this chapter might be weaker than the others but every chapter I will post is important for the main events that will occur in the future. It also took longer to update because I needed to change some other things in the story.  
> I am gladly to announce that I will be introducing new characters (or explore characters that have been mentioned before)  
> I am sorry I took so long to update, my life's really been crazy.  
> AND BTW, I created an email for you to contact me if you have anything to say or ask. Feel free to send me any question or thought, whatever you want. ( yongon.operationkfor@hotmail.com )

''Clarke!’’ She hears her friend Raven shouting her name from the kitchen.

Clarke leaves her room and find Raven leaning back towards the counter with her arms crossed over her chest and she notices a very concerned look. 

''Raven, what’s going on?’’

''I don’t know, it’s my brother…’’ She pauses and looks at Clarke. ''Lincoln called me asking if Matias was with me. When I said no he explained that they both agreed having dinner together at 7pm and he didn’t show up. It’s almost 10 pm.’’

''Did you try to call him?’’

''Duh, of course. Many times.’’ Raven picks her phone and tries to call him again. She gives up after a while. ''It just goes straight to the voicemail. I swear to God I am going to kill him if he came to my town to do the shit he’s so used to do in that shitty neighbourhood!’’

''Ray, calm down, we don’t know what happened.’’ Clarke tries to relax her a little bit but it seems impossible because Raven is restless. 

Clarke takes a seat in one of the chairs in the kitchen and they stay silent for a while. She sees her bestfriend checking and typing on her phone endlessly. 

Clarke finds herself hoping that Matias is not into trouble right now. Clarke could swear she saw some hope in Raven’s eyes when she saw her brother and Lincoln getting along and connecting so well. Matias is Raven’s biggest concern, always has been and she’s been suffering so much because of it even if she doesn’t let it show. 

''Who are you texting?’’ Clarke asks her breaking the cold silence in the kitchen.

''I’m texting Octavia and Lincoln. He is searching for him, I should go too.’’ Raven replies and locks her phone.

''If it will make you feel better, then let’s go. I will drive.’’  
Raven and Clarke leaves their apartment and start heading for the parking lot. Raven keeps a very fast pace in the car direction, she is almost running. Normally, Clarke would probably say something about it but she can understand and feel how worried her bestfriend is and she feels bad that these problems always find a way to affect Raven even if she runs away from it as far as she possibly can.

Clarke turns on the car and start driving towards Lincoln’s home. 

''We probably should go to Lincoln’s and tell him to meet us there so we can search for him together?’’ Clarke asks Raven who can’t stop moving her leg up and down on the passenger seat.

''Yeah.’’ Raven simply replies.

It takes them not longer than 15 minutes to arrive Lincoln’s place. Clarke spots him next to his car in the house’s entrance.

''Hey Lincoln, any news?’’ Clarke asks him after she leaves my car.

''Nothing yet.’’ He replies and she can sense the disappointment in his voice for not being able to find Matias already.  
They spend sometime chatting and exposing their ideas of where Raven’s brother might be. Clarke thinks that maybe he went to a bar and got drunk, he needed sometime alone to think or maybe even went back home without saying anything. The first option always made more sense to Clarke but again, he was supposed to have dinner with Lincoln.

The night is cold, a little bit windy and it’s turning to be a little unpleasant to be outside especially when they are not doing anything, Clarke thinks.

''Why don’t we get inside? It’s getting cold here.’’ She suggests and they all agree. ''By the way, where’s Octavia?’’ She asks him as soon as we enter the house.

''Octavia went to take a shower when we arrived home, she’s probably upstairs getting dressed.’’ Lincoln answers.

The whole room fall into silence. The environment is tense, they can hear Raven’s anxiety growing and growing. Unfortunately, there’s nothing much they can do to help, even if they keep searching for him… He could be anywhere and if Matias doesn’t want to be found, it will be harder. Raven’s intuition says that he is in trouble and Clarke believes her at the same time she believe that she is just a sister that is too worried about his brother.

Clarke hears Lincoln’s phone ringing and brings her back from her thoughts. Raven suddenly turns all of her attention to him with hopes it’s her brother calling Lincoln.

''Heya.’’ He says after picking up his phone. Raven understands that it’s not her brother and Clarke see her hopeful expression turn into a disappointed one.

''Hey guys.’’ Octavia greets them while coming down the stairs. ''Any news about Matias?’’

Clake looks at Raven to see if she is going to reply to Octavia’s question but she looks too distracted and probably didn’t hear her. Octavia takes a seat next to Clarke still waiting for an answer.

''No…’’ Clarke replies. ''Raven is restless, I don’t know what will happen if she doesn’t find her brother tonight.’’ She talks lowly so Octavia is the only one to hear her.

Lincoln comes back from the kitchen after hanging up the call and Raven finally turns her attention to them.

''It wasn’t Matias was it?’’ Raven asks him.

Lincoln shakes his head. ''It was huh…Lexa.’’ He looks at Clarke perhaps expecting a reaction at the mention of her name. As much as Clarke tries to not have a reaction, it just comes automatically. ''She told me she was on her way to my house.’’ 

Clarke suddenly feels all eyes on her, like her friends are waiting for her to say anything about it. She is really not prepared to face Lexa but their friends are now connected and they will be seeing each other frequently, which is something Clarke can’t complain about.

''It’s alright guys, I don’t mind.’’ Clarke obviously lies and she knows it by the skeptical look on their faces, but her friends don’t say anything back. It’s better this way, she thinks.

Before Clarke was anxious to hear something about Raven’s brother, she was nervous to see her friend so desperate, now she keeps looking at the front door waiting for the moment Lexa will knock and enter. She haven’t seen her since the last encounter at the park, Clarke feels embarassed because of her reaction but she has never been the kind of person to hold her emotions. Since that day, she has been wondering what were Lexa’s thoughts, what did she feel when she saw Clarke again…And she just realizes her head is a mess…again…and again.

After what felt like a year, Clarke finally hears a knock on the door and her heart jumps out of her chest. Clarke is going to see Lexa again. 

Lincoln opens the door and Lexa’s face is revealed. She’s wearing black workout clothing and Clarke supposes she’s been running. It doesn’t take long before Lexa notices Clarke sitting on the couch. One more time, their eyes connect and only Clarke knows how her heart and soul aches to realize the misery she has become for not having those eyes looking at her with the love like it was before. Now it’s just cold and empty.

The tension keeps rising as Lexa and Lincoln get closer to the couch.

''Hey Lexa.’’ Octavia says and Lexa simply greets her with small smile and a half nod.

''Let’s go to the kitchen so we can talk, Lex.’’ Lincoln says and they both leave the living room.

After some minutes, Clarke feels her eyes getting heavier and she knows she will fall asleep soon. Clarke adopts a more comfortable position on the couch and tries to rest a little bit.

I wake up in a very small room. It has nothing but a broken window, a door made of wood and a mattress on the floor. Where am I? I stand up and I realize I barely have energy. Somehow I manage to find strenght to walk towards the window to check my surroundings. I see nothing but a long desert. I am confused and scared, I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I also see two tall men both holding a rifle and I remove my head from the window. Who are these people? Have I been kidnapped? Why am I in the middle of the desert?  
I place both my hands on the sides of my forehead and try to answer the million questions that are on my head right now, but I can’t find an explanation. I am even too tired to torture my head like this.  
I feel my mind and my body being filled with fear. I know I need to get out of this room or God knows what will happen if I don’t leave this place.  
The sound of the door opening freaks me out and suddenly I see three men entering the room. All of them armed. All of them have big beards and a towel on their heads. They seem muslim by the appearance.  
''Are you ready to talk white girl?’’ The tall man says with a smirk.  
''What am I doing in here and who are you?’’ I ask while walking backwards so my back leans on the wall.  
The man looks at his other mates and laughs slightly. ''Where’s your girlfriend? Do you think I would let her go after she killed so many of my brothers?’’  
''What are you talking about?’’ I ask absolutely confused and I see the anger rising on his eyes.  
''When I find her, I will kill her right in front of your eyes and you will go next. I will make sure the last thing you see is her suffering, her torture.’’ The tall man says and closes his fist as hard as he could possibly can. ''I will leave you alive for days so your head keeps picturing her pain and you can’t do anything about it, feeling powerless.’’  
''You will never get a finger on Lexa!’’ I scream at him.  
He laughs again, this time a little loud. ''She will come back for you, you’re just the bait. You know well enough there is no way she won’t try to save you.’’

Clarke wakes up suddenly and she doesn’t know for how long she has been asleep. She sits on the couch and starts processing the nightmare she just had. Her mind keeps returning to the same circle, to the same person, to the same concerns. Will Clarke ever get over this? Will it ever get less painful for her?

She lifts her head and she sees Lexa standing next to the window. Clarke looks around and she doesn’t see anyone else. She starts getting nervous because she doesn’t know what to say or if she should ask what happened while she was asleep.

Lexa realizes Clarke is awake, turns around and locks her gaze with Clarke’s. Clarke can feel Lexa is trying hard to hide everything behind her emotionless and cold eyes. Everything that she fears and she won’t say. Her gaze is cold as ice but Clarke is melting underneath it. She feels like they’ve been staring to each other for an hour, but the truth is she only can’t take her eyes off of that woman. The woman she loves and has her heart forever.

''Where are them?’’ She manages to find courage to break the silence.

Lexa returns her attention to the window and takes a while to respond. ''Lincoln and Octavia had to go somewhere.’’ Her voice sends shivers down Clarke’s spine.

''Raven?’’

She just shrugs. ''I don’t know.’’

The silence takes power in the living room again. It’s uncomfortable and weird. It’s sad to realize that two people who once loved each other so deeply and shared a beautiful story, can’t manage to have a conversation. They are just…strangers. Clarke changed so much and she can see how Lexa changed too. They can’t look into each other’s eyes and know the story behind it, everything is unknown. It hurts Clarke to realize that she doesn’t know Lexa’s story and that probably, she will never know it. 

Lexa starts walking towards the front door and something on Clarke’s brain tells her to now let her go. To not let her leave. 

''Are you leaving?’’ She asks while standing up from the couch.

She pauses and looks back before giving Clarke a small nod. Lexa returns her walk to the door.

''Lexa…’’ Clarke calls out her name and Lexa stops again returning her attention to Clarke. ''Can I say something?’’

Lexa gives her a scared expression and Clarke quickly adds. ''It’s nothing to worry about really, I just wanted to apologize for my reaction at the park the last time we saw each other.’’

''Don’t worry about it.’’ She says.

''Will it even be possible for both of us to have a normal converstion?’’ Clarke asks walking a little bit closer to her. She hears Lexa letting out a deep breath. ''What happened to  
you?’’ The words just leave my mouth without permission.

''There’s no reason for us to have this conversation.’’ Lexa answers coldly and once again, adopts a very formal that makes her gain more confidence.

Clarke in her head knows there is no reason for them to have that conversation, but her heart is screaming something else. Whenever she pictures Lexa’s arms, Lexa’s lack of emotions and now the recent dream she had…It leaves so many interrogations marks that she doesn’t want to have.

''Yes, I guess you’re right.’’ She says sadly. 

Lexa notices the reaction that her response created on Clarke and regrets talking so coldly at her for a moment. But then, she told Clarke the truth, they seperated their ways a long time ago.

Clarke wonders if Lexa feels the same tension as her…The tension where there is so many unspoken words eager to come out. She knows she is fighting hard the urge to finish the conversation she started at the park. But she can’t. She can’t apologize more for what happened because Lexa already accepted her apologies. But for someone who spent a huge part of her life trying to deal with the pain of losing someone she deeply cared about, Clarke knows it will be too hard to get used to Lexa’s presence. Especially when Lexa doesn’t make it any easier. But they have to, they have friends in common now. 

Her mind goes further. To the moment she hopes never happens. When she sees Lexa with her girlfriend. Clarke wonders how she looks like, how did they met and how important this person might have become in Lexa’s life. How this person managed to support Lexa when she wasn’t present. How this person has a place on Lexa’s life and she hasn’t anymore. 

''Lexa, we don’t have to act like this all the time, we have friends in common now…’’ Clarke breaks the silence and thinks she notices Lexa’s body freezing. ''I am sorry for…’’

''I already accepted your apologies Clarke.’’ Lexa interrupts Clarke before she could finish her sentence. Clarke’s name mentioned by Lexa doesn’t go unnoticed, in fact Clarke  
melted under the sound. It has been some time since she heard Lexa calling by her name and it only reminded her how much she was missing it.

Clarke looks right into Lexa’s eyes and she can feel her own getting teary. Lexa has an effect on her that nobody else had, has or will ever have. She thinks that she looks even more beautiful than she remembered, if that’s even possible. Clarke’s eyes search for Lexa’s beautiful lips. She stares at them for not longer than three seconds and when she turns her gaze to Lexa’s eyes, she finds a surprised and…vulnerable expression?

''I know…’’ Clarke manages to say, but her husky voice is trembling. ''Yet you will never be able to have a proper conversation with me…’’ She adds sadly.

Lexa sighs and finds herself in a complicated position. She knows Clarke is too stubborn and she will always insist in having a conversation whenever she has the opportunity to, but Lexa can’t give it to her. It’s been years, their lives are separated, their love story ended and she is moving on with her life now. Clarke is right, they have friends in common and with Lincoln dating one of Clarke’s bestfriend they will most likely see each other more frequently. Probably the tension between them will always remain the same until Clarke gets used to it or maybe…

''Lexa please just listen…’’ Clarke says and moves a step forward provoking a defensive reaction in the beautiful brunette standing right in front of her. ''I know we will never go back to where we were, I know you will never see me the same as you did before…I know I lost your love forever. I can feel you are a completely different person from what I remember, I don’t have any idea about what you have been through, what is your story. It kills me to know that I might be the reason you’ve been through so many terribles things. If I could go back and change everything I did, I would. I know I can’t do anything now to change the past, but please Lexa, our conversation at the park wasn’t enough to give me the closure I need.’’

At this point, Clarke is trying the hardest not to cry. But the more she tries, the harder it gets…And the first tears starts rolling off of her eyes. 

''As much as it’s hard for me to admit, I can’t change the past, I can’t change my actions. I know you moved on, but I didn’t. I will never have you back so please Lexa, give me what I need to start moving on.’’

Lexa looks attentively to Clarke. She doesn’t know how to react, she is witnessing Clarke falling apart right in front of her once again. Lexa didn’t want this to happen, she wasn’t even prepared to see Clarke again when she returned to her home. 

''Perhaps you should ignore my presence.’’ Lexa says.

Clarke looks unbelieving at Lexa. She can’t believe how emotionless Lexa can be and she starts getting angry at the lack of consideration Lexa is showing her, even if that is what she deserves.

Clarke turns her head to the left and faces the couch she fell asleep on. She feels sad, hurt and angry. 

''If I should ignore your presence then why did you stay here when everyone left?’’ Clarke askes looking back at Lexa.

The question left a bruise on Lexa’s pride because Clarke has a point. Lexa starts feeling anxious and completely out of her comfort zone. She is feeling what she hates the most. Vulnerability. 

Lexa takes too long to answer, but Clarke decides not to wait. 

''You don’t have an answer for me?’’ Clarke feels her confidence growing.

Lexa is still silent. She can feel her breathing and her chest getting heavier and understands what is about to come. An anxiety attack and Lexa knows she needs to get out of the house quickly. 

Fortunately for her, Clarke and Lexa’s tension moment is broken by Octavia’s arrival.

''Hey guys what is going on?’’ Octavia asks while closing the door sensing the weird energy coming from her friends. 

Before anyone could say anything else, Lexa simply rushes out of the door and starts running towards her house.

Clarke lets out a deep breath like she’s been holding it her whole life. She starts thinking about what just happened. The second encounter between her and Lexa and almost the same ending…The only difference is that Lexa was the one running off this time.

She looks at Octavia who is looking at her absolutely confused.

''Don’t ask.’’ Clarke says.

''Clarke, are you okay?’’ Octavia asks concerned because she realized that Clarke is emotional.

The blonde sighs. ''I don’t even know O. Just…Nevermind. Where is Matias? Did you guys find him?’’

''Yes, actually we did.’’ Octavia’s response brings Clarke back to reality. ''Can you believe some members of the gang back in his neighbourhood came here just to mess with him?’’

''What!? Are you serious right now?’’ Clarke asks incredulous.

''Yup…We were in the hospital because he needed some stitches but he is fine…Raven not so much.’’ Octavia answers and starts moving towards the living room table to grab Lincoln’s wallet. ''I am going back, are you coming?’’

''Of course.’’

Clarke and Octavia leave Lincoln’s house and they start heading to the hospital. 

Octavia is busy driving and busy cursing at some drivers who she meets on her way, so Clarke finds herself thinking about the previous events. She knows now that the closure she needs will have to come from herself. Lexa barely spoke a word at her and when she did, it felt like swords cutting through her heart. As much as she feels guilty about the end of the story with Lexa, she is also tired of suffering. She thinks at least Lexa could’ve shown some more consideration towards her, but again…Lexa isn’t the same person she knows. That hurts, but she needs to learn how to accept it. At this very moment, she is determined to do it…Tomorrow, she is doesn’t know.


End file.
